11-23-2015 "Thanks..."

11-23-2015
Thanks for the job God.  I'm too focused on the negative and what I don't have.  It's been a very different way of living - not having - and having to depend on people.  Thank you for allowing me to have a friend here with me...even if he doesn't really want to be here, thank you.  I pray for everybody else I call a friend or that has called me friend.  I believe that everything happens for a reason and that I am still on this Earth for a reason.
You made me with a heart for people and patience for people and I thank you for that.  I don't know where I'd be without you God.  I don't know where I'd be at all.  Right now - you're shining grace on me and mercy and [I] appreciate it all and I know that things are getting better.  I know that things aren't always easy but I do believe in your word and your promises.  I've seen them come true for so many and I believe that you'll do the same for me too.  Thanks you for life.  Thank you for opportunity.  Thank you for tomorrow.  Things will be better.

11-8-2015

11-8-2015
Today is a new day God.  I mean that more than I've ever meant it before lol.  It's funny that it's the 8th too - the number of new beginnings.  I'm excited about it.  I want to be sad - my flesh wants to cry and throw tantrums and scream and be angry - but I know that great things are in store for me.  They always are.  I just get so impatient and I just want everything right now...still do...but I must realize that I do have everything because I have God.  I believe you'll get me through whatever it is that I face.  With you all things are possible.  That is why I've failed for so long.  I've been relying too heavily on man and they have not ceased to let me fall but they've also lifted me up and drawn me closer to you.  I thank you for all of them God and for the life I have now.  I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.  More of you is all I want God and all I ask.  I love you God in the name of Jesus.

(Why does this pen ink keep changing colors? lol)

(Happy Birthday Great-Grandma)

11-5-2015 part 2

11-5-2015 part 2
I know I'm not supposed to understand everything...but that ain't you God.  It's sometimes hard to tell where you truthfully reside.  I catch glimpses of you.  Whether or not it's reality or my own will is the question.  I try to see the best in all people and acknowledge the potential they have to get there.  But if they refuse to grow, there's just nothing I can do right?  Just pray for them.  God grant my loved ones the gift of forgiveness.  The ability to look past the flaws of the flesh and see you.  I truly am sorry.  You know my conscious mind does not behave that way.  Have your way God.

11-5-2015

11-5-2015

I don't know how tired you want me to be.  I don't know what else you want me to give up.  I feel more and more like I don't want want to live while waiting for whatever or whoever.  Help is needed.  You are needed. I should be saying that to myself.  Lead the way - I trust you.  Just tired...really tired.

11-1-2015 part 2

11-1-2015

WTF God? lol come on son....(please)

11-1-2015

This was the day after coming home from the hospital...I had been there for about 5-6 days

11-1-2015
I've been on a spiritual trip for about a month now God.  I've cried a lot of tears...tears of sadness, tears of joy, tears of remembrance...and through it all you've shown yourself to be true.  During this time I've done things I've never done before and you've protected me and kept me safe and for that I thank you.  I truly owe my life to you God and I'm ready for you to take complete control.  I'm working to deny my flesh the pleasures that it enjoys in hopes that you will provide me with something greater...something that I've never felt before.  I want to be comfortable and maintain the peace you've given me in order for your will to be done.  But you know what I want God.  More importantly, you know what I need.  I want what I need now more than ever.  Please guide me to where I'm supposed to go.  I'll follow you.  I am ready to love...you.

Day Eleven

Forever Yours 10.25.15

Forever Yours 10.25.15

I'm so glad I made it God.  Everything I do.  I want to do for you God.  I was made to worship you and you alone God.  I don't have to do anything I don't want to.  But, I want to do those things for you God.  If you ask me to - for you - I'll do it.  For you I will.  You're so amazing God.  And I can't tell you enough, how much I love you.  I am ready for a new life with you.  I'm ready to do your work.  I want to do your work.

Forever Yours,
Danitra

10.25.15

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I ain't stupid God.  You know that though.  You've built me from scraps of much rubble.  fallen pieces and fragments of something much larger.  You.  God you are bigger than all of us and none of this would be possible without you.  The choices we have to make in life are never easy.  Things can be hard, but they won't be for long.  You make it so that it's not.  I'm gon be alright alone or with you.  I'll only last so long by myself though without crying.  I'll survive.  I'll still live and work - but I'll feel empty doing it alone, or if I have no one to share it with.  But, I know that I have the world now.  I know that I was created to do big things.  Thank you God.

Love you
Peace =)

10.23.2015

10.23.2015
I'm tired.  Haven't been to sleep and I'm just tired.  I probably am being selfish but why shouldn't I be.  Nobody seems to want to look at the bigger issues.  Just the things that involve them personally.  I'm not going to speak just because I am able.  I should have something to say.  I could've sat and sang all night, but I can do that at home.  Only difference is getting paid for it.  I don't want to entertain people though.  What do I look like telling everyone else to shut up so I can talk.

________________________________

Not sure if I've mentioned that I'm manic-depressive...

10.21.2015

10.21.2015

The last journal I had was full of nasty things.  I made note of the boys that noticed me and what I thought of them and what transpired among us.  My mom found it and that was the end of that.  My interactions with man/men have been so informative.  I've learned a lot from mistakes that have been made, words that haven't been said, and hurts that I've caused and endured.  People are so interesting.  Answers can lie in front of a person for years before that person decides to acknowledge them as correct.  But everything takes time and more importantly, patience.  My patience is growing thanks to God.  I have a greater sense of urgency, but I'm learning not to rush.  "Fate will unwind as it must..." I still love that quote, but - I also believe and accept it now.  God has a plan for my life and for the lives of those around me.  I just gotta pay attention and keep moving

"What do I want?" 10.19.2015

10.19.2015

What do I want? Where do I want to be?  God, I just want to get your work done and not have to work for man anymore.  I want to continue having an abundance of love to give.  I don't ever want to get tired of people again.  I truly love them all and how unique you've made all of us.  I really want a husband though God.  If not a husband, just someone that's going to be there.  I know you are the only one that's going to always be there but if I could have someone there a good amount of the time, I'd be happy. Let him be handsome, strong minded and strong physically - just able to support me.  Let him know who you are.  Let him know who he is, and let him know who I am.  Don't let him doubt me.  I'm tired of being doubted.  Let us have all we need and never let money become an issue in my life God, or anyone else around me please.  Allow me to have a family and not struggle to provide their needs.  Just hold me close God.  Please don't let me go again.  Thank you for saving me.  Thank you for sending help.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for whatever is coming.

Day Five - 10.18.2015

I want to stop typing these up and sharing them but that would just add to my list of incompletions.  I start things without finishing them a lot.  I finish things and I'm not satisfied with them a lot. But, I'm going to keep sharing these.  For those who don't know, (I stated in a previous post), I recently lost my mind.  These entries are from a time where I was unsure of a lot and still coming to terms with who I was and who I wanted to be just in general.  Therefore if they don't make sense, hopefully you can understand that I was in the process of making my life make sense...though it still doesn't...there's a new found peace in it.
Anyway...here's what I wrote the fifth day...  

10.18.2015

It's funny that I explain my relationship with my first love as consistently inconsistent.  I fall in and out of love all too often.  It never dawned on me...until now...that I fall in and out of my faith as well.  God can, will, and is making LIFE happen.  Whether it be good or bad in my eyes, it's been orchestrated or ordained by God.  I'm thankful for this realization.  This new hope and this new love.  LOL and I love how everything happens whether or not we want it to happen.  We're not in control of anything.  We have a choice but that is the choice of having one...or not...truly putting everything in God's hands and just living.  BUT listening, staying focused, and practicing patience.  Man...God is good =)

10.16.15

10.16.15

4:18pm HBDJ

Today has been so beautiful.

Top to bottom. With family...with friends...with love.  It feels good to be here.  Sitting in the sunlight, basking in his glow and his glory.  I appreciate him so much.  He's just- my God.  He's my everything. Love, Peace + Progression

10-9-15 "I'm in love..."

10-9-15

I'm in love.  I woke up with a smile today.  I'm happy.  Not even knowing what the day is going to bring.  I'm excited about it.  I see myself in the future and the future is bright.  The possibilities are endless.  Anything I want, is already mine.  I don't have to look anymore.  I don't have to worry about what ifs.  I just have to keep listening and living.  My eyes have to stay open in order to see.  By having my eyes open, even those things that are invisible begin to manifest and become reality.  Dreams are tangible.  I've been waking up next to one for the past few days.  I never even saw it before.  And what's crazy about that is that it was right there for so long.  The decisions we make can impede us.  Life can catch us off guard if we let it...but we should always be expecting.  What- is not even a question because that doesn't matter.  Faith shows us that it's impossible to fail.  But in faith, we can't lead ourselves.  We don't have the final say.  We choose whether or not to accept it.  We choose whether or not we love.  We choose to live.

10-8-15

10-8-15

God... I think  know what you want me to do.  I keep stopping to think about what I want although I know you'll fulfill it and make a way.  When I was in Bloomington, I saw  a whole community built to do what I've always dreamed.  I have work to do.  My want for a relationship and a family is clouding my vision slightly - it is making it harder for me to see you.  In my dream last night, I saw so many people creating.  The only people that weren't were the ones distracted by each other.  I don't want to lose you anymore.  I don't want to worry or have questions.  I just want to live.
Have your way God...I don't know my destination.  I keep trying to choose and decide but that's for you to do God.  I'm glad that I can at least recognize that now.

Intro/10-6-2015...Day One

Dear World,

Hello...
    I feel like it's been forever since we've spoken.  During our time apart I've written a lot of letters that, opposite of this one, were written to God.  Prayers are intimate things, some of these letters essentially being those..., God has led me to share with you. I don't want to say too much else, except that, although I wrote these, I hope they benefit you.

#Love #Peace #Progression

Danitra

panitradope.blogspot.com

10-6-2015

Life doesn't seem real anymore.
For the past few days - I've been in purgatory.  I've been forced to reconsider what life is and what it really means to live.  I don't feel comfortable anymore.  I honestly am on the verge of tears.  I feel pressure from all different directions.  I have no job, no money, and no plans.  I want to make plans, but would almost prefer if they were made for me.  I know that I have no control over what happens, the people that surround me, or the environment and how it receives me.  I just know that I'm alive.  Well....I think I'm alive.
I question if this is what death feels like though.  The world is rotating around me.  It would appear as though all of those things are working together to decide my fate.  I feel sorry...lost...sad...excited - it's definitely a mixture.  God is real.  He has a plan.  But I have to acknowledge his voice in order to walk the right direction.  I don't know who I'll face in the end or when the end is coming, but now is the time to get ready.  I want a husband.  I want children.  I see that there are several prospects.  I'm growing impatient, but I have no choice but to wait.