Felt the need to post it twice

(I will be using foul language in this status, but I need to get this off my chest) It's been 2 years since I left Champaign, but I've still been holding on.  Holding on to people that I once called friend or family even, holding on to things that I was apart of and wanting to still identify as one with them.  I've been holding on to the idea that maybe people aren't as shitty as they seem.  But, truth is....people are.  How does one not practice all they preach?  If anybody ever crossed paths with me and it was not a pleasant experience please tell me.  If anyone ever saw me not being supportive and caring please tell me!  And I've still been supporting even from a far, or at least trying to...Why?...That is the question that I have to now finally address.  Now after being hospitalized three times for believing in something greater...now after my genius has seemingly fallen by the wayside...now after seeing that the people who I held dearly and who I looked up to and who I believed in have not and maybe never have given a legitimate fuck about me.  Never reached out once... I love and appreciate everyone that has, everyone that didn't block or unfriend me or who is still friends with me.  BUT there's a lot of shit that has happened  and that exists today because of my presence...MY LOVE...MY PEACE...and the grace of God most importantly.  People woulda never met.  People woulda never worked together.  Shit would not exist or have happened the way it did...period.  But fuck me right?...You break bread with the same people that talked hella shit about you behind your back...But fuck me right?.....and as tears begin to fall from my eyes...I'm still sitting here just wanting to love...wanting to support...wanting to be there for people...wanting to help people's reach go just a little bit further than the spectrums they've seemingly been confined to.  But as I sit I'm also deciding that it's time for me to love me more...The love I have to give will continue to reach somebody and it will be somebody who appreciates that shit...fuck the fake love, fuck the fake peace.  Be real with your shit...all the dirty shit...I ALWAYS have.  Otherwise...u ain't shit...period.  There's a diss track in this world that exists about me, people speak ill about me and no one speaks up, people fail to acknowledge me as a part of how or why they got to where they are, people have stolen from me and not owned up to that shit...fuck all ya'll.  I love ya'll...but fuck ya'll.  And if you got an issue with this fuck u too cuz it ain't nothin but me ventin...the person who never says shit...the person that doesn't have to "clap back,"  but the person who has had your back...the person who still has your back...if you need love....I got that...but until then or otherwise...Love...Peace...Progression........peace...........love

"You are my everything"

God-
You are my everything =) You are the only one who can tear me down and pick me back up.  You are life unimagineable.  You changed me and showed me your mercy and your grace and the love that I've always wanted.  You have changed me with your heart and your intent to love me and willingness to serve me as a servant of you.  You are everything - my everything.  Thank you.

12-6-2015

12-6-2015
I know that the enemy is attacking me Lord, but I also know that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. "I will call on the lord who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies."  I will not be defeated in Jesus' name.  There is a call on my life to do more and although I know not what it is - I'm here and I'm ready, waiting patiently (or as patiently as possible) for you.  Have your way God.  I love you more than anything because of all you've done for me, all you're doing, and all you're going to do.

Thank you
Psalm 18:3

________________________________________________________________________

11-29-2015::12-1-2015

11-29-2015 12-1-2015
Since you keep asking God...I want a job that allows me to work in my own space, doing things that I'm good at - talking to people and/or creating things.  I want to be surrounded by older people whom I can learn from and younger people that I can learn from.  I want to be able to dress how I want to a certain extent and I want to make enough to cover what I need and to save.  I don't want to be far from home and I want the job to do what it was created to do...in Jesus name...if I had my own office again I'd be happy - a job where I'm trusted to get my work done independently.  I guess I don't really want this Red Lobster job, but I'm thankful for it and still excited about what's to come from it.

11-23-2015 "Thanks..."

11-23-2015
Thanks for the job God.  I'm too focused on the negative and what I don't have.  It's been a very different way of living - not having - and having to depend on people.  Thank you for allowing me to have a friend here with me...even if he doesn't really want to be here, thank you.  I pray for everybody else I call a friend or that has called me friend.  I believe that everything happens for a reason and that I am still on this Earth for a reason.
You made me with a heart for people and patience for people and I thank you for that.  I don't know where I'd be without you God.  I don't know where I'd be at all.  Right now - you're shining grace on me and mercy and [I] appreciate it all and I know that things are getting better.  I know that things aren't always easy but I do believe in your word and your promises.  I've seen them come true for so many and I believe that you'll do the same for me too.  Thanks you for life.  Thank you for opportunity.  Thank you for tomorrow.  Things will be better.

11-8-2015

11-8-2015
Today is a new day God.  I mean that more than I've ever meant it before lol.  It's funny that it's the 8th too - the number of new beginnings.  I'm excited about it.  I want to be sad - my flesh wants to cry and throw tantrums and scream and be angry - but I know that great things are in store for me.  They always are.  I just get so impatient and I just want everything right now...still do...but I must realize that I do have everything because I have God.  I believe you'll get me through whatever it is that I face.  With you all things are possible.  That is why I've failed for so long.  I've been relying too heavily on man and they have not ceased to let me fall but they've also lifted me up and drawn me closer to you.  I thank you for all of them God and for the life I have now.  I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.  More of you is all I want God and all I ask.  I love you God in the name of Jesus.

(Why does this pen ink keep changing colors? lol)

(Happy Birthday Great-Grandma)

11-5-2015 part 2

11-5-2015 part 2
I know I'm not supposed to understand everything...but that ain't you God.  It's sometimes hard to tell where you truthfully reside.  I catch glimpses of you.  Whether or not it's reality or my own will is the question.  I try to see the best in all people and acknowledge the potential they have to get there.  But if they refuse to grow, there's just nothing I can do right?  Just pray for them.  God grant my loved ones the gift of forgiveness.  The ability to look past the flaws of the flesh and see you.  I truly am sorry.  You know my conscious mind does not behave that way.  Have your way God.

11-5-2015

11-5-2015

I don't know how tired you want me to be.  I don't know what else you want me to give up.  I feel more and more like I don't want want to live while waiting for whatever or whoever.  Help is needed.  You are needed. I should be saying that to myself.  Lead the way - I trust you.  Just tired...really tired.

11-1-2015 part 2

11-1-2015

WTF God? lol come on son....(please)

11-1-2015

This was the day after coming home from the hospital...I had been there for about 5-6 days

11-1-2015
I've been on a spiritual trip for about a month now God.  I've cried a lot of tears...tears of sadness, tears of joy, tears of remembrance...and through it all you've shown yourself to be true.  During this time I've done things I've never done before and you've protected me and kept me safe and for that I thank you.  I truly owe my life to you God and I'm ready for you to take complete control.  I'm working to deny my flesh the pleasures that it enjoys in hopes that you will provide me with something greater...something that I've never felt before.  I want to be comfortable and maintain the peace you've given me in order for your will to be done.  But you know what I want God.  More importantly, you know what I need.  I want what I need now more than ever.  Please guide me to where I'm supposed to go.  I'll follow you.  I am ready to love...you.

Day Eleven

Forever Yours 10.25.15

Forever Yours 10.25.15

I'm so glad I made it God.  Everything I do.  I want to do for you God.  I was made to worship you and you alone God.  I don't have to do anything I don't want to.  But, I want to do those things for you God.  If you ask me to - for you - I'll do it.  For you I will.  You're so amazing God.  And I can't tell you enough, how much I love you.  I am ready for a new life with you.  I'm ready to do your work.  I want to do your work.

Forever Yours,
Danitra

10.25.15

----.----.-----

-----.-----.------
I ain't stupid God.  You know that though.  You've built me from scraps of much rubble.  fallen pieces and fragments of something much larger.  You.  God you are bigger than all of us and none of this would be possible without you.  The choices we have to make in life are never easy.  Things can be hard, but they won't be for long.  You make it so that it's not.  I'm gon be alright alone or with you.  I'll only last so long by myself though without crying.  I'll survive.  I'll still live and work - but I'll feel empty doing it alone, or if I have no one to share it with.  But, I know that I have the world now.  I know that I was created to do big things.  Thank you God.

Love you
Peace =)

10.23.2015

10.23.2015
I'm tired.  Haven't been to sleep and I'm just tired.  I probably am being selfish but why shouldn't I be.  Nobody seems to want to look at the bigger issues.  Just the things that involve them personally.  I'm not going to speak just because I am able.  I should have something to say.  I could've sat and sang all night, but I can do that at home.  Only difference is getting paid for it.  I don't want to entertain people though.  What do I look like telling everyone else to shut up so I can talk.

________________________________

Not sure if I've mentioned that I'm manic-depressive...

10.21.2015

10.21.2015

The last journal I had was full of nasty things.  I made note of the boys that noticed me and what I thought of them and what transpired among us.  My mom found it and that was the end of that.  My interactions with man/men have been so informative.  I've learned a lot from mistakes that have been made, words that haven't been said, and hurts that I've caused and endured.  People are so interesting.  Answers can lie in front of a person for years before that person decides to acknowledge them as correct.  But everything takes time and more importantly, patience.  My patience is growing thanks to God.  I have a greater sense of urgency, but I'm learning not to rush.  "Fate will unwind as it must..." I still love that quote, but - I also believe and accept it now.  God has a plan for my life and for the lives of those around me.  I just gotta pay attention and keep moving

"What do I want?" 10.19.2015

10.19.2015

What do I want? Where do I want to be?  God, I just want to get your work done and not have to work for man anymore.  I want to continue having an abundance of love to give.  I don't ever want to get tired of people again.  I truly love them all and how unique you've made all of us.  I really want a husband though God.  If not a husband, just someone that's going to be there.  I know you are the only one that's going to always be there but if I could have someone there a good amount of the time, I'd be happy. Let him be handsome, strong minded and strong physically - just able to support me.  Let him know who you are.  Let him know who he is, and let him know who I am.  Don't let him doubt me.  I'm tired of being doubted.  Let us have all we need and never let money become an issue in my life God, or anyone else around me please.  Allow me to have a family and not struggle to provide their needs.  Just hold me close God.  Please don't let me go again.  Thank you for saving me.  Thank you for sending help.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for whatever is coming.

Day Five - 10.18.2015

I want to stop typing these up and sharing them but that would just add to my list of incompletions.  I start things without finishing them a lot.  I finish things and I'm not satisfied with them a lot. But, I'm going to keep sharing these.  For those who don't know, (I stated in a previous post), I recently lost my mind.  These entries are from a time where I was unsure of a lot and still coming to terms with who I was and who I wanted to be just in general.  Therefore if they don't make sense, hopefully you can understand that I was in the process of making my life make sense...though it still doesn't...there's a new found peace in it.
Anyway...here's what I wrote the fifth day...  

10.18.2015

It's funny that I explain my relationship with my first love as consistently inconsistent.  I fall in and out of love all too often.  It never dawned on me...until now...that I fall in and out of my faith as well.  God can, will, and is making LIFE happen.  Whether it be good or bad in my eyes, it's been orchestrated or ordained by God.  I'm thankful for this realization.  This new hope and this new love.  LOL and I love how everything happens whether or not we want it to happen.  We're not in control of anything.  We have a choice but that is the choice of having one...or not...truly putting everything in God's hands and just living.  BUT listening, staying focused, and practicing patience.  Man...God is good =)

10.16.15

10.16.15

4:18pm HBDJ

Today has been so beautiful.

Top to bottom. With family...with friends...with love.  It feels good to be here.  Sitting in the sunlight, basking in his glow and his glory.  I appreciate him so much.  He's just- my God.  He's my everything. Love, Peace + Progression

10-9-15 "I'm in love..."

10-9-15

I'm in love.  I woke up with a smile today.  I'm happy.  Not even knowing what the day is going to bring.  I'm excited about it.  I see myself in the future and the future is bright.  The possibilities are endless.  Anything I want, is already mine.  I don't have to look anymore.  I don't have to worry about what ifs.  I just have to keep listening and living.  My eyes have to stay open in order to see.  By having my eyes open, even those things that are invisible begin to manifest and become reality.  Dreams are tangible.  I've been waking up next to one for the past few days.  I never even saw it before.  And what's crazy about that is that it was right there for so long.  The decisions we make can impede us.  Life can catch us off guard if we let it...but we should always be expecting.  What- is not even a question because that doesn't matter.  Faith shows us that it's impossible to fail.  But in faith, we can't lead ourselves.  We don't have the final say.  We choose whether or not to accept it.  We choose whether or not we love.  We choose to live.

10-8-15

10-8-15

God... I think  know what you want me to do.  I keep stopping to think about what I want although I know you'll fulfill it and make a way.  When I was in Bloomington, I saw  a whole community built to do what I've always dreamed.  I have work to do.  My want for a relationship and a family is clouding my vision slightly - it is making it harder for me to see you.  In my dream last night, I saw so many people creating.  The only people that weren't were the ones distracted by each other.  I don't want to lose you anymore.  I don't want to worry or have questions.  I just want to live.
Have your way God...I don't know my destination.  I keep trying to choose and decide but that's for you to do God.  I'm glad that I can at least recognize that now.

Intro/10-6-2015...Day One

Dear World,

Hello...
    I feel like it's been forever since we've spoken.  During our time apart I've written a lot of letters that, opposite of this one, were written to God.  Prayers are intimate things, some of these letters essentially being those..., God has led me to share with you. I don't want to say too much else, except that, although I wrote these, I hope they benefit you.

#Love #Peace #Progression

Danitra

panitradope.blogspot.com

10-6-2015

Life doesn't seem real anymore.
For the past few days - I've been in purgatory.  I've been forced to reconsider what life is and what it really means to live.  I don't feel comfortable anymore.  I honestly am on the verge of tears.  I feel pressure from all different directions.  I have no job, no money, and no plans.  I want to make plans, but would almost prefer if they were made for me.  I know that I have no control over what happens, the people that surround me, or the environment and how it receives me.  I just know that I'm alive.  Well....I think I'm alive.
I question if this is what death feels like though.  The world is rotating around me.  It would appear as though all of those things are working together to decide my fate.  I feel sorry...lost...sad...excited - it's definitely a mixture.  God is real.  He has a plan.  But I have to acknowledge his voice in order to walk the right direction.  I don't know who I'll face in the end or when the end is coming, but now is the time to get ready.  I want a husband.  I want children.  I see that there are several prospects.  I'm growing impatient, but I have no choice but to wait.

POCKET THOUGHTS AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD NOW!!!!!!!

So I decided to go ahead and give it away...who needs Valentine's Day to show love anyway.....

S/O to MLK

Check out http://theofficialps.wix.com/paradigmshift to find the link on my exclusive page!!!!! (I think that's the link)  I appreciate your support. Like, comment, share....Love!!!!!!

How I be feelin...

#LovePeaceProgression

It's Never Too Late

It's never too late to start over.
I haven't done it in awhile but I don't know when's the last time I did it.
I love doing it...
but it's bad for me.
It makes me feel good...
but my parents don't like it
Honor thy father and thy mother right?
PLEASE!!!!!
I don't know what my life would be like without it
I don't know if I can live without it
I don't want to live without it for the rest of my life
PLEASE!!!!
Help me.

It's that simple.

Just ask for some help
If you can't do it alone....
Someone will help you

#PocketThoughts
         2.14.16
   Coming Soon...

  Happy Monday!

#LovePeaceProgression

Memories

Sometimes I forget
but sometimes I remember
I've done this before

#dopehaiku
#LovePeaceProgression

Good morning all. Stay motivated. Stay peaceful. Stay encouraged.  Be patient. Be you.

What Do I Deserve?

I feel like I should be able to have my cake and eat it too.  I'm a pretty good person if I do say so myself, but maybe that's a flaw.  The I part.

That's exactly why I feel good about me though.  People typically have nice things to say about me.
There is a "me"in team....
Just spelled wrong and with space in between and backwards.  But that's other people's saying...not really mine.

I don't think I have a saying for this.

Don't we all like I though?  Aren't we supposed to love ourselves? Shouldn't I want great things for myself?

Of course I should...because I deserve it.

But...you deserve it too =)

Soooo I watched Chiraq the other day...

Soooo I watched Chiraq the other day..

The purpose of Chiraq was not to educate people...but it was.  That's my take on it.
The movie itself is what sends a message.  People didn't support it because they thought it would be trash right?  But so what if it was.  Especially in the midst of all this black powerness.  Spike Lee is a historical figure.  In my eyes...mind you I haven't seen many "black" movies.  But I've seen a decent amount of Spike, not even knowing that I have I'm sure...and I rocks with him.  He got money...I don't.  He put a lot of familiar faces in that movie...that I know personally...aren't we supporting those people?  If not someone please explain to me the movie industry and how all of that works because I don't get it.  Aren't we supporting the people that make them or is it just the story.

People speak a lot of "game," but do they really represent that life.  Are they bout that life? Are we about that life?

I don't think we as a people are because if we as a people were we'd be supporting one another and assisting one another to prosper.  But maybe people are really that selfish.  Maybe people are really that scared.  Maybe people are smart and I'm dumb...I don't know.  But I know that Spike Lee can do something that I don't and won't do.  I know Bill Cosby can do something I don't and won't do...and I love them because they can do those things...period.  What types of lives do they live though?  What are they doing for our people?

Better question is what are you doing? And why?



Oh yea...Music was DOPE!!!!!!!!
And that's the bottom line cuz...(real ones know)

Is the space you're in affecting you?

Is the space you're in affecting you?

I feel distant...Not close to anything familiar...lost. I once wrote...”I'm so lost don't know where I am going...left...right...nowhere. Blinded, can't see. Invisible can't feel...me.”

That's where I've been.

Every person, place, or thing I've known for 25 years...has all at once vanished. It's insane. And that's where I've gone...literally.

I'm currently awaiting psychological evaluation for the second time due to a few incidents I had recently. I've had far too many questions and not enough answers. I haven't sought answers to these questions because I believe there are none. But here lies the answer.

Writing....

Placing my thoughts on paper.

Me, myself, and I.

A great poet...a gifted writer...

Trapped in negative space. Uncomfortable space...but livable.

Trapped right where I need to be.

Writer's block

R.I.P.

#LovePeaceProgression

Find me

Where do you look when you've lost yourself?
Instinctively we look to our surroundings assuming that a piece of us has been misplaced amongst the weather changes and tradgedies
Sadly we find no trace
So we...look at the lives of those around us, those we've found and befriended and those that have found us looking for familiarity in their faces, their embraces, their conversations, and their touch
What's there?
Nothing much.
Not us.
Not what we're looking for or have lost, but there we at least find fragments of our own hearts that we've given away or invested and can feel a slight sense of completion

Brick

I refuse to let you kill me
Wounded and scarred...
Bounded and bruised...
I'm too strong
Watch me fight back watch me claw
Get mauled

I love Jill Scott

https://youtu.be/ulLhzJbaq-o

My Trip

Soooo...
A couple weeks ago I was in the mental hospital.
The diagnosis was that I was on drugs and trippin basically.
But, to tell you all the truth...the trip didn't begin when everyone thinks it did.
I had been on my journey for awhile
Detaching myself from things and people
But towards a happier place...
It was the sweet outdoors...
nature...
and love was floating around all in it.
I was at such a peace.
Everything I saw was beautiful.
I didn't think anything of it because I knew that I was on my way towards some good news.
Everything that I could ever want or ask for was at the end of this journey and I just had to push forward.
Till I got there...

Being there helped me to understand what my problems and issues were, and not only that but to approach them and deal with them better so that the consequences hurt less.
That place became home to me.
A place for learning, a place for achieving and overcoming...
a place that's okay to visit but not okay to dwell for too long.

And to this day, I believe that it was just God's voice that I was following.

Long story short...
I'm saved.

Rebirth

I'm going to start just sharing how I feel on here.

On Facebook, I posted a note about how I felt like I wasn't black.
It's about a month or so later and I can definitely say I'm feeling it now.

   Living in Chicago has been a new experience for me.  New but at the same time very familiar.  I grew up in the South Suburbs, got into my fair share of trouble, hung out with the "wrong" people, but lived a decent life.  I witnessed the police bein on bull with some of my friends, experienced them being of no help to me when I needed it, got followed in stores, all that good stuff and never argued with the fact that I was black.
   For some reason going to college changed everything.  Prior to college I had a lot more white friends...I don't think I hardly made any in college.  There was definite segregation.  Being involved in the black community and watching it transform, I began to separate myself from everyone.  I didn't want to be "black" anymore.
   Now when I say that, I don't mean it in the sense that I was ashamed of my race, or where I came from, or that I wanted to change anything at all about who I am/was.  I just didn't want to be herded into a group or be generalized.  I get upset when people talk about women as though we're all the same too, and that's how I felt.  We're all individuals and I couldn't bring myself to carry the same concerns or to be focused on the same trends as everyone else unless I believed in them or cared for them.  But everything was becoming the same.  Black people were trapping themselves in a place where there was so much diversity and knowledge to be gained.  I still struggle with it but....I've definitely grown to appreciate all the differences within black culture and outside of our culture...and also not speak as though I don't understand because I do understand.  We are all different, come from different places and ave different struggles.
At the end of the day I am black.
Black Lives Matter
There are a lot of black people that don't do ish.
There are lot of geniuses in the black community.
There are a lot of people that look at being black as a problem...
I didn't want to be black because we were becoming the problem.
But I'm proud to be black because how I represent myself....although small in comparison to the larger community have the potential to change it.

(Here's my post from Facebook)

Honestly...

With everything that is going on, I'm going to finally address this...

I don't feel black.

Everyday I see #Blacklivesmatter and yes they do and yes they should but...
I don't even know how to define black culture.
Aside from naturally looking different, our music, and maybe some of our homecookin...I don't know what else it is
Maybe because I grew up with white friends
Listened to "white people" music
And only knew about being black from school.
I didn't really watch TV...
Pretty much only heard the music that was played on the radio.
But I didn't see color.
I still don't.
I see people and people with issues.
People who discriminate and are racist, angry, ignorant, selfish, impatient, misinformed, misguided, and need help.
White people.
Black people.
All people.
Most issues being faced today require and effect all people.
I'm sorry but I do not have faith that the black population will come together and make their situation...our situation...better.
Are they able to? Yes.
Black people, whenever there is community, are capable of transgressing as history has shown.
But history has also shown us how often that that has occurred.
The blame can't be entirely on everybody else because
meanwhile, with blacks lacking consistent unification...
those Jim Crow laws have undergone transformation and are lowkey running this entire nation.
It's more than police brutality
Ya'll think this stuff just started happening
Folks die everyday.
The media has been and is still controlling what you see...
Most folks out here are motivated by rage and anger because of it
Why not just be motivated by the right to be free?
To be a human being?
To breathe.
I can't breathe by having to identify as black on everything...but maybe that's just me.
I don't know enough about my heritage to comfortably claim anything.
I'm still learning.
While doing that I'm fighting for what I feel is right and speaking against what I feel is wrong, but last I checked right and wrong wasn't divided racially.
Ya know...I think I'm Native American actually and African American secondly, but I was born in Germany so I could even argue that as my nationality.
What really does any of it mean?
It's just an easy way for someone else to define me...
even though who raised us and where we grew up more accurately display who we're going to be.

Honestly though...
I'm sorry
this is just stuff I needed to get off my chest....
this is stuff that I believe.
I feel lost.
Stuck in the midst of all this chaos.
But it's not new to me.
I just don't understand why,
if we want to be treated equal,
that we don't remove the adjectives
and just be people.

     

Everybody Learns and Communicates Differently

Rise

I can't read your mind.
What you don't say will forever go unheard and misinterpreted as long as you continue to give some but not all of you. You speak in fragments, you start a sentence but never insert punction, you use symbols to say something but you're only using them to draw a picture.
...creating landscape images...
Plains, mountains, waterfalls...peace.
So many places i want to go with you, things I want to see,
air I want to taste...
I want you to breathe.
Let out the words you've been choking on for so long.
Breathe.
Say what you mean...
Allow yourself to interact with me naturally and just be.
Assuming that is what you want....
i could be wrong...

I just be writin.....

Chapter 1

I was in the fifth grade when I realized I was different. I was able to look at things and recognize what bothered me about people. If my vocabulary were more extensive at that age, words and phrases like materialistic, self-centered, ignorant, and misguided would have ran through my mind. But instead words like stupid and hoes filled my mouth.

Ignorance and intelligence are birthed at an early age, sometimes simultaneously.

The Cost of Education

We spend a lot of our time on this earth not knowing things. We live in order to seek out and find answers. Where we find those answers however, differ from person to person. It is very easy to worsen your situation by looking for answers in the wrong places. You begin justifying yourself as opposed to seeking justification. We as people come up with a million reasons as to why we do certain things or as to why things are the way that they are. Even though in reality, gaining knowledge and knowing the real reasons behind these things is much more cost efficient.

It's free to educate yourself. But people consistently choose to wrap their minds around the physical cost of education rather than how readily accessible it already is, with or without the money. People allow cost to deter them from being determined. We should be so determined to gain knowledge that we will do whatever it takes to obtain it. Schools are not the only place to learn and I don't think that school is for everybody. However, in order to succeed in the way that society defines, a school education necessary. Now, that doesn't mean that you can't be successful without school. You can change the world without ever going to school.

The things we experience in life and the situations we're placed in teach lessons, lessons that can't be taught in school. I see myself as intelligent not because I got good grades in school and not because I have a degree, but because I've learned from my mistakes and have grown as a person. With knowledge comes growth. It's impossible to learn and there not be growth in some fashion. We get older, we get wiser, and our overall capacity for knowledge is heightened. Nobody can take away your ability to educate yourself. We innately manufacture excuses as to why we do not excel when really there are none valid. Think about it. We're created to interact with each other and our environment. As soon as we're born we respond to our surroundings, we adapt, and we learn. If an infant, fresh out of the womb has the ability to educate his or herself, then what's stopping you?

Don't let society discourage you. Money doesn't matter, otherwise we would have been born with it. You have everything you need to get whatever you need. The only question you must pose is what don't you know, what do you want to know, what do you need to know, and what do you want to do with that knowledge? Do you want to be happy or do you want to be wealthy?

Clarity

Some people really just can't see beyond themselves....
blinded by imperfection despite the fact that they see 20/20...
there's nothing to be mistaken or interpreted incorrectly...
it just is what it is...
nothing more, nothing less,
but never just you....
because that aint how our vision works....
we see others...
others see us....
and we search for our reflection in them...
in the people around us...
in nature....
and in life.
What you find is what you allow yourself to see.
Vision impairment can b corrected...is it always....no?
But it can be.

Happy Mother's Day

Love your mother.

1:35am on a Tuesday

I never know when it's gonna hit me...
Love.
Something I dream about more awake than I do while sleeping even though most believe it's something that they're consciously feeling and seeing...

Love has no physical characteristic, so how can we possibly know what it is,...Love?

You don't decide.
You don't get to choose.
You don't get to pick with love.
You just do it.

Not even knowing what it is....
we must know and remember...

we have the power

and the strength

To Love.

PEOPLE!

February 18, 2015 @ work

Painted as weak but close to invincible.
Torn down, beaten, neglected, and abused...
but indestructible.
Strong enough to make others believe
But weak enough to crumble with a single touch
A beautiful flower - now withered,
but still rooted in hopes of rebirth.
Potential defined.
Lost...
Confused...
Denied the opportunity to experience life...
To grow...
To just be...
Some there's no saving....trying to find themselves...
wandering aimlessly...refusing help...ready to give up.
For them it's hard to hope
In them it's hard to believe
But change is unpredictable, always attainable, and infinite in its existence when someone reaches deep within them-self or decides to reach out.
To Believe....

Past.Present.Future Love

I spend a lot of time thinking about you...
I wonder...
Have the thoughts of you ever escaped my mind?
These thoughts resurface and the feelings I once felt become tangible again.
I smile.
I laugh.
I remember.
And I still love.
Despite forced distances we've managed to keep in touch, our reaches extended equally, though that's never been enough to really feel anything.
We still love.
We still grasp and hold tight to the understanding that us together just seems right.
We want it to be what it was, and what it was was unfinished.
So I wonder....
what will we become?

Cotton Club Performance 2k12

As you can see we've taken quite a journey through history, and have heard from some famous artists that people see as inspiring.
But while they're doing that, what is it that we're aspiring to be?
Yes "I am a woman phenomenally, phenomenal woman that's me," but what good is that if it's not something the world can see.
We are the generation that has the potential to make change.
The future lies within us and it truly pisses me off to see folks consistently tryna make dollars instead.
Yes Cash Rules Everything Around Me C.R.E.A.M., but this is life not a mug filled with caffeine.
Invest yourself in people cuz when you do it in banks nothing is really that interesting.
Do something more.
Learn something more.
Be something more.
Obama made history but us Kanyes out here doing it everyday and don't need a month will never get mentioning unless we're doin it for real.
Talk is cheap which definitely ain't a good deal; I'll use coupons on a shrink if I wanted that, someone to act like they care how I feel.
We need some repair, some restoration, rejuvenation.
We need everyone to get up and help rebuild this broke down nation.
Through the arts they made a difference back in the renaissance which you've seen; and through the decades when black power was their thing.
But today is a new day.
People are sick, sad, and hungry,
You wanna sit at the grown up table but what are you gonna bring?
The time is now and I'm just here asking how?

How are you gonna do better?  How are you gonna inspire others? How are you gonna be different?

How are YOU gonna be the the change you wanna see?

To dope...for this.

I'm the type of person that frees criminals because I see the imprisonment taking place in their mental state.
These people can't understand. They can't relate to common sense, they hate the world and fight in their own defense because they do not know true love.
They're not allowed to receive hugs...but they see that other people do.
They get kisses too.
But who wouldn't wanna wipe out the whole world by simply attacking our youth?
It's the lower class people that have parents who believe only white folks can b lethal and also anyone who points out that we are not all equals. That we are all different, we all have a deficit, we can't be equivalent, we're not positive people but we're the answer to this simple mathematical equation.
A negative and a negative equals more negative,...the cycle's repetitive.  So why not support the people that we define in our minds, probably because in our own minds we're held captive with the same strength we have to find freedom.

Simply reading,...but beyond just the letters and symbols and other physical representations.
Using our imaginations but creating the world we want to live in.
Every person, is a prisoner because who you are is within.
#PS #MoretoCome #LovePeaceProgressionLive

Mirror Work

Sometimes you just have to face the facts.
Admit to yourself that you messed up,
that you let yourself down,
that you can't blame anyone but yourself,
that you made the decision!

But also that you're human...

We all do it.
Own up to it.
You'll be forgiven by those that really love you.

Moment of Remembrance

Hey...hope all is well.
Just was thinking about you.
Talk to you later.

Love Haiku

I know I'm in love
When someone supports my dreams
By making them real

Creating an Artistic Community

Good Evening.

If it sounds like something worthwhile, please help me out if you can, and hit me up if you got questions, comments, or suggestions.  panitradope.blogspot.com

Barricaded

These keys hold freedom in their possession.
They lock in the depressed and are the source of my oppression,
I spend 40 plus hours a week redirecting
and trying to give people hope
in a place that sees no purpose in perpetuating progression
but rather making money off of special kids who need help dealing with life lessons
....these keys are weapons.
Harming to those that hold them and painful to those left behind because when the door to the outside closes it's magnetized, and both sides realize that this barricade exists not only physically but also in their minds.
..mine saying...
how could you?
Make these kids slaves, lock them up like they're caged, call them by patients and problems instead of by their names while the other side in their mind says...
I'm never leaving this place,
I'm tired of seeing the same faces, but I want to know what it's like, I need some space...
is this what my whole life will be like?
Keys open doors.
who is holding the key to yours?
the key to your life...
the keys to your home...???

Happy Birthday Father =)

Dear Father,
I love you.
When I was younger, I will admit,  I disregarded your existence.  Partly because I didn't want to be hurt is why I did that,  but mainly because I didn't understand. But dad...you are a great man.  As humans,  none of us are perfect.  But as children, which we all are,  we hold expectations of perfection from those who parent us.  It takes a certain level of maturity to love unconditionally,  and that's what my love for you is now.   We know what we've been through but I'm still your daughter and I still love you.   I know feelings are mutual when I say that there's nothin I wouldn't do for you.  I'm glad to be where we are.  I'm happy to have your nose and your freckles and your feet.  I'm happy to be me- and I'm only me because of you.  Thank you...and i thank God for you.   This is long overdue but here's your birthday letter.  I wrote mom a couple when I was younger and you and I were distant but happy birthday pops, hope to see you soon and always, always, always...love you.

Danitra (Neeti)...your baby

Love is a verb

He's stuck in my head playing video games that control the fate of the characterizations of us in my brain.... Washin my pain making me feel like I ain't goin insane. I'm happy Finally loving me Finally loving He Again =)

Proximity

Love is a desire for the unknown Wanting what you fear Knowing nothing but understanding everything Love is faith. And it seems as though it's brought me to this place of intimidation...A junction. But I turn away. Ignoring the fact that there are only two different paths I can take. There's the path where love gives and there's the path where love takes but those are kinda one in the same which is why I'm thinking in my mind it's best to stay in the middle lane actually not the middle lane but riding on the median trying to find a happy medium between pleasure and pain but I'm leaning towards the easy lane, the one that's right that my drive just kinda shifts towards due to the alignment if you're getting what I'm saying. Understanding that I only believe in one love and that's the love that's most demanding...the one that proceeds to break me down when I'm at my strongest then build me up. The one I don't have to wait on to grow up. The one that helps to grow me when the times are tough. What I need. Well...what I feel like I need and what will no doubt satisfy me. But this is territory unknown and the only time the ground is lit is when we're distant...we'll see what happens when we come close.

Lifesaver

Thank God for saving my life. I know I'm not the only one who has questioned their purpose here. I know I'm not the only one who has asked why to answers given and things we cannot change. I've cried for understanding and to be understood...to know why God has kept me so long through what has seemed like hell on earth. Deep down I think we all know why... there's something deep within that drives each of us and terrifies us to think about all at the same time. Our biggest fears tend to be our deepest desires. Typically it's those who do what we're afraid to do that inspire as we believe we're incapable. But there are always things that you can do that someone else can't; know that you are inspirational too...someone looks up to you, but you gotta be here for them to. Once you're gone the memory of you lives on but there's no one here to show them what to do and how to push through. I know I've made it far, moreover I know it's been hard, but I'm still here and it's time to stop sleeping on my dreams and make them reality. I take two steps forward and three steps back so frequently but I'm no longer settling, I'm not giving up, I know I'm still progressing. You can't let go of what you love although it's a struggle to love it, it'll help guide you to where you want to be and you'll be thankful because of it. Be thankful because it's a blessing to be alive...to feel, to heal, to create, to survive...we're power filled people...gifted with choice. Our minds are things that cannot be changed, not even by God himself, he gave us that before he gave us anything else. So decide on something and stop asking why...give yourself a reason to want to live your life, ask and God will supply. I almost didn't make it...to be honest...I wanted to die...but ain't no time like God's timing, patience surmounts pride, you'll get where you want to be. Just appreciate what you have, look forward to where you're going, fight for what u want, LOVE, don't be afraid and don't stop living.

My thoughts...

I hope I get a window seat...then maybe I'll see you in the clouds. Angelic, pure, serene....The definition of love. Your physical pain was minor in comparison to the amount of pain inflicted by the people closest to you...The ones that didn't fully know you...The ones that didn't know love enough to know the need to love one another. I pray they know now...We're family...when my great grandpa died I watched as we screamed at each other and fought the day after. How ridiculous is that? How selfish can we be?...I just hope things change. I'm thankful that you knew I loved you, even if that was from afar. Great Grandma...I love you even if it is from afar. Family...I love you, even if it is from afar...just know that distance is determined by our ability to communicate

Persevere

Lying to yourself 

Spending time that should be saved 

Maintain your focus 

Somethings are just hard

A test of patience and will

but we can do it

You are not alone

Just look around and smile

God is always good 

Transparency

I'm becoming too emotional...

it's okay that I show a little bit of vulnerability but I can't bare it all.  I have to try and convince myself that I don't care at all when really...I do...And I want to. I want to make moments last more than just minutes, more than just hours, more than just months...I want them to be infinite...time suspended.  But no...you have to go, you have to leave, you never stay.  God just didn't write the story that way and I've accepted it.  I accept the fact that my fairy tale may conclude with just I and my king...no Prince Charming and no manifestation of my dreams. But I'm still emotional about it.  I'm unable to say that I don't fantasize or get lost in my mind sometimes where those memories rewind and cause a few tears to fall from my eyes. I don't know what I'm feeling.  But I know there's healing.  There was for them and I know there will be for me.  Right now I just can't see.  Blinded by my emotions just waiting for love to find me...to hold me...to surround me...to be vulnerable with me so that I can bare it all and just be emotionally free

For the Hurt 10-28-12

I'm too strong, I'm too smart, I'm too brave...
When God created me, he built me with the capability to be anything I wanted to be.  He gave me hands so that I could write, fight, and feel.  He gave me feet so that I could walk, pave pathways, and leave footprints.  He gave me a voice so that I could speak...but I never did.  I once let a man dictate my every breath, direct my every step, and dominate my very existence.  He hurt me, abused me, broke me down, then built me up, killed me then resurrected me, cut me then stitched me up, stripped me then clothed me, grew me then mold me...
but I was too strong, too smart, and too brave.
 I knew better than to leave him, than to ever try and deceive him, but that's the same reason I'm here today...because I'm too strong, too smart, and too brave.  I knew better than to leave him and I knew better than to deceive Him....God...He made me for a purpose, not to be worthless, and never to spend time and energy on something that was worth less than the riches I've been blessed with.  I'm rich in His presence and there's nothing any man could claim to bless me with, and there's nothing man can test me with that my God would want me to stress with.  With man it is impossible but not with God for with God all things are possible.  Remember that in the midst of any and every obstacle.  Love yourself and don't expect someone else to do it.  Don't try to fight your Goliaths by yourself when you've got God to help you through it. 
Stay strong...stay smart...and be brave. 
Freedom is God given...man makes you a slave.  Domestic violence is the whip, lack of self and support are the chains.  So rise up and don't be defeated, do not quit, succeed it, when it comes to domestic violence...no pun intended...just beat it.

Blame - 8/4/08

Whose fault is it?  Mine - all the time - mine, mine, mine.
There is always a way 4 my name 2 fill the blank when the question is asked who's to blame?
My mind is in a constant state of pessimism.  Negative insight can be seen in the sight of many when they see the site of me. 
I'm misunderstood.
But- the way people look at me is clearly a correct perception + reflection of me, becuz it is me constantly in a state of lacrimation and me, I, Danitra then take that - meaning their interpretations - or my imagination twists their contemplations in2 fuel 4 my ever flowing frustrations. 
I can't get over myself - in a bad way.
God says I am 4given but my flesh has another say.
Though I'm in this world not of this world the world is fightin 4 me. Tryin 2 damage my mind + corrupt it into thinking faith is not the heavenly key.
I'm hurtin.
This can't be me but everything is God's plan - I'm so happy yet hatin myself so I just don't understand.  But I guess nobody really can.
 All I can say is soon I'll be okay maybe not 2morrow or 2day.  But the lord keeps tellin me the best is yet 2 come so don't throw it away.  Just wait.
Next time I'm asked if I'm okay, I'll just say not yet.
I'm waiting on the day that I can live + not regret. 
And that day is just not here yet... 

16 Haikus for you

What else have I done?

Why are you forgiving me?

I'm done with the past 

You've said this before

Did you not mean it last time?

Do you mean it now?

Am I in the wrong?

I'm just not sure if it's true

only time can tell

You've said many things

I thought I was your best friend

But what am I now?

You up and left me

you threw everything away

I'm just letting you

I don't burn bridges

but we know things need to change

the bridge is just drawn

I've done all I can

I have no more words for you

I'm just loving me

I'll always love you

no matter what was or is

because that is love

I'll keep on praying 

for you, for me...for the world

that's all I can do

God makes things happen

If not he allows them to.

It's all in his hands

Silence is empty

It does not need to be filled

but...it is needed

There's peace in silence 

When your thoughts don't consume you

That's when you've found it

No more I'm sorry

and no more I forgive you

no more need for that

Keep putting God first

Keep growing and keep loving

and I'll do the same

We know what we had

But right now we are nothing 

you're you and I'm me 

You don't have to text

It only confuses me

Love you...be happy 

Magnet

Magnetic Attraction

I feel the pull from different perspectives and am having a difficult time resisting the belief that God suspended time for us last night so that we could feel our future heaven together.  I don't know how many times I've laid with you even when you weren't there, your spirit caressing the lonely traces in my body.  Removing any feeling of tension I have by just allowing me to rest upon you.  You may be the one....magnetic pull....real love

For my Great-Grandpa

My Great-grandpa was a strong man.  Never showed a sign of weakness as he towered above us all, because my great-grandpa was tall.  He had more height than any of us physically and he had more might than the majority of us mentally, and he had a bigger appetite than most of us no matter how skinny he was.  Always tellin us to eat our meals with a piece of bread, my great-grandpa always made sure we were well fed.  Watering the seeds he planted and giving them what they needed while demanding no interference.  Ya see my great-grandpa had a green thumb when it came to gardening.  The fruits he produced provided life, love, and nourishment to the women who produced me.  And to be fortunate enough to feed and have fed off of the things that my great-grandpa grew is a blessing that I pray you have had the chance to experience too.  There was nothing that my great-grandpa couldn't do.  He built things from the ground up with his bare hands,...my great-grandpa was simply a great man.
But...I do believe we're falling short of his greatness, fighting to achieve nothing while fighting each other with obscenities, posting statuses and talking down to one another as though we're not all fam and we don't already have enough enemies. Is this what my great-grandpa gave birth to?  Even if you say it's not, that's how it seems.  Spending so much time bickering we're not catering to our loved ones needs and maybe if we were, the majority of us wouldn't be hurting.  My great-grandpa was a man to celebrate but we only cared when we had time and when we finally found the time we also found it was too late. 
Funerals bring families together from near and from afar.  I would think living in the same proximity does that but I guess that belief is sub-par.  I love my family with all my heart and I definitely love my great-grandpa, but looking around....I don't recognize ya'll.  This ain't what I remember...I'm kinda glad my great-grandpa stopped remembering because this ain't something that I would want him to see.  If he were to remember the seeds he planted he woulda also known that the roots seem to be dying and so with that great-grandpa...Rest in Peace. 

ReminiSCENT

Your scent lingers...stained flesh from you being pressed up against me and the fabrics and fibers of which you laid upon softly tempt me. It's like I'm inhaling ecstasy and every breath I take is recollection of when we rested in each other's presence.  The peace found there is so pleasant, but it doesn't remain.  Lost in the aroma again, you're just a figment of my fantasies that I will never capture.  Time with you is always temporary, and permanency is a dream to me that I doubt will come true...not with you. But maybe with your scent...which while you're gone seems everlasting...filling the void of emptiness and warming my heart, placing a smile on my face.  Smell so rich I can still taste your lips and feel your kiss and you pressed up against me, staining my flesh, atop the fabrics and fibers so soft and comforting.  Just a lingering memory...a lingering scent 

Life

Abuse and accusations from so called accidents
Business, bravery, babies born, and blood shed
Cultures converged collectively as one
Death from all different direction, with dishonesty, and disgrace to be dismissed
Evil things and deeds on this place we call Earth with little ecstatic energy
Families, friends, and fake followers with fiery and furious facades
Good, gracious, and sometimes greedy feelings gather inside of me
Humor, hiding, and hateful messages heard here and there
Intelligent individuals interested in improving imperfection.
Jealousy and joy through a living journey
Kind kinfolk keeping me safe and happy
Love and lies, a long learning experience
Music and media are many masterpieces/massacres made by man
Negative news throughout the nation a natural nuisance to my ears
Overly ostracized from the inside to the outdoors
Proud people full of plenty personality, sometimes too much and it's a pity
Quite a couple quarrels quashed quietly and completely
Relentless, rowdy, and ruthless behavior from wrong doing teens
Sorrow, salvaging, surprises and sports are things found under our sky
Tinkles of turmoil, terror, and treachery throughout this world trapped in a twilight zone
United States we live in under a God to whom we pledge though we are unusually unconcerned for each other we still say we're as one
Very valuable, vivacious, and timid our lives should be varnished and revived
Wishing, wondering, waiting to be welcome in the world
X-rays should be enhanced so we can look into our lives and realize that we may fall and we may rise
Yesterday will never come again so make yours live till today
Zooming through our lives can make us miss our zeniths so we should make them zesty

*written by my 8th grade self*

Poetry

Poetry I find interesting
With it you can express anything
Some emotions may sprout from what people write
Happiness, sadness, joy, and even spite
There are no limitations to what you can say
To hear the things you feel, many people will pay
Music is poetry a thing we all love
For those who know and can see above
Poetry can be very fun
So go out and try to write some.

Arts

Different ways to express feelings and emotions
Through music, acting, singing, drawing, writing, and speaking.
All these things bring happiness, sadness, and many thoughts
Art is a part of all of our lives.
As human beings we are art.
Art is everything.

R. M. S. (For my bestfriend)

Reggie is his real name, I don't call him that though

Maurice is his middle name, that is what he goes by

Silly, strange, and extremely special, that explains
                   Why he acts so stupid

D. R. P.

Danitra is devoted, determined, and distinguishable
Reliable, Respectful, yet rowdy she really is
Positive, proud, and full of pride
Poetically perfect in every way

PLEASE SUPPORT #RT #RT "This is the Dedication Page of my book"

I dedicate this book to myself.
The reason why I chose this dedication was
that I've done a lot for myself.  I've never
turned my back on me and I lived my life.
No one else lived my life for me, made my decisions,
influenced, or wrote this book.  I did it
all, that's why I dedicate this book to me.

I want

The sadness that fills me at the thought of you leaving me is endless. 

Any part of a smile that may have rested upon my lips escapes me. 

My enchantment...how I will forever long for thee. 

Thee flame that burns within your heart is what I yearn to spark again within me. Inside where I'm cold, lonely, and dark, you've illuminated the vacant cavity with life and with love.  

You are more than what you think and you mean more than what you think you do to me.  For real...

...but if my silence is what you want and what you need then 

peace....love....and progression....to you still.

After W.O.R.D....

March 16, 2011

There have been countless times that I've been told "I love you..."
That same amount were lies.
Numerous nights I've been forced to wipe tears from my eyes but I always go back.
I always go back to the hurt...
I always go back to the heartache...
I always go back to the pain...
it pulls me back, I'm attached, like a fixture, like an immovable structure...a monument...
because throughout time the story I tell remains the same.
He loves me, he loves me not, he leaves me now me is all I got, time and time again.
Addicted to this game...think I'm winning but I lose.
But that's what I choose to do...
I place myself in these positions...it's an illness that can't be fixed with prescriptions.
It's an addiction.
Without this false sense of security I find in most men...I shake, I tremble, I can't breathe.
I'm trying to stay with him but it's way passed my time to leave.
I want to be free but... I can't.
I'll never change.
Addicted to the hurt, addicted to the game, I'm addicted to heartache, I'm addicted to pain.

How I'm Feeling...(a haiku)

I'm numb to the world

I can not feel anything

Nope...nothing at all

8/25/14

The things that were once beautiful to me have lost their luster or maybe the beauty i saw was just lust for them.
Desiring satisfactions that were not pure and wanting interactions that were fulfilling only to the temporary state.
But as I sit and look at people more and more...those people I once adored...I see so much more.
It's like a light has illuminated their imperfections...
But it's those flaws that are the most alluring.
The thing us people have in common is in fact the dirt that we're made from...
and dirt....being a part of nature...is one of the purest forms of beauty.

February 11, 2010

I'm sure there have been a lot of love poems written, but all disclosin' an aspect of it that is different.
Most love poems I've read are happy; filled with fascinations, infatuations, and I love this about hers and hims.  But I have yet to read a love poem that contains the arguments, fights, and struggles within.
We all have em and we all go through em and if your love doesn't well shoot I say screw em because there's no foundation.

When building any structure you start from the bottom then make your way to the top, but if you already at the peak then what exactly do you got?

You can't take it any higher and I don't know about you but to me that's boring. Some of the greatest moments in my life have come from overcoming. That is the greatest feeling...
you know they say love conquers all but with nothing to conquer your love is nothing at all.
Oh yeah good times are great but they'll turn bad if you can't recover from a fall.
That's what love is.
It's when it ain't all about he/she makes me feel good about myself, you should already feel good about yourself, and love them for who they are, it shouldn't be about anyone else.
Remove you from the equation and see what you have left.  And if there's nothing then there's nothing put them phony feelings back on the shelf it wasn't love...it ain't love...it is not love....and this...ain't a love poem.

My Prayer 8-28-08

God - I'm waitin -
I know it's coming, but I know it has not reached me yet.
God - I'm tired -
I feel your works being done but I also feel the devil's work workin against you.
God - I'm hurtin -
Physically I'm tired and emotionally I'm drained
I'm in pain
God - I'm sorry
I feel as though I am a disgrace to your name and not worthy of your grace but you forgave
God - I thank you
Though I feel all these sorrows are infinite and never ending I know one day I will not feel this way.
One day I will see I am and always will be more than I am because my life is in your hands and you'll never steer me wrong.
You will make me strong.
But for now I know I'm where I belong.

It's hard to accept
but nevertheless

God - I'm stayin with you every step

9-8-09

It's painful
Not to kno what's going on in the minds of those who surround you
It's awkward
Who should initiate, who should go first, not even knowing if the others are willing 2 participate
But they already are participating in this game.
This challenge, this test of patience.
This silence.

1/22/12

It hurts...

to not know the source of my sorrow

It can be nothing but the devil trying to defeat...

me...

us...

the relationship we're building

the LOVE that we've found in each other

I'm terrified that it will fade

-that it will diminish

-that it will disappear

that is my greatest fear

because I don't see much use in me

but you do...

you have a vision,

you have a plan,

you have more for me than I could ever imagine

I just need to be able to look at myself

my potential

my strengths

my possibilities

and believe that

I can...

Why Not Love?

You distract me in the worst way...it's like I'm getting hit while crossing the street although I've looked both ways knowing which way was right...and unfortunately you're not it.  But the scenery with you is beautiful.  I take the detour delightfully because you excite me...you take a figure eight trip to paint a picture of how much you wanna be to me.  You're so sweet to me.  You very well may be what I need but every fear takes time to overcome, and I'm just taking heed because I don't wanna hurt you by filling your mind with things I can't be.  But know that I could be your everything if I just would, if we lived somewhere where time didn't matter and everything made sense before we even gained our common sense that we weren't supposed to get and only got because we robbed the flower of knowledge....Before we crossed those lines u coulda been mine, and you coulda been mine eternally. But where are we now? Look around.  Think about all of the people that need my love before you decide to settle down.  It's not about me, never will be and never was...Ask me why I love you...it's just because...

To a part of my heart...

With there being an us I didn't see a reason for just I.  I disregarded all feelings I should have possessed for myself and let me die.  Self mutilation led to my destruction. I was unable to feel the pain even as tears fell from my eyes and I was hurting because I refused to look in the mirror and see what scars had been left on me even tho i knew only magic mirrors could show what was inside.  i chose not to spend any time reflecting on the fact that the image of me was beautiful because once I realized that Snow White was the fairest Of them all i just knew that beautiful was something I could never be.  That is what I believed and therefore there was no going back for me.  Mentally I was trained to see myself as nothing physically and thus gave myself freely all the while suffering subconsciously while on the surface there was rising satisfaction in a life I was living lustfully, enjoying my ignorance and neglecting my necessities in order to provide pleasure to ppl at random taking pride in the ecstasies i provided them instantly, confidently stating that anyone could confide in me sexually and my ability to feed the needs of everyone but me i.e. I was thanking everybody and no one had to say please because I loved to do these things and I thought that by doing them that they would make me love me.  But making love is faking cuz nobody even made love to give birth to me, i mean if they did wouldn't it be something that I could still see.  The only things that are made are tangible things and last time I checked I ain't never felt love all over me but best believe I tried. I tried...to love you the best I knew how, and at this point I'm sure you can see that what I knew was nothing.  I thought that I was loving.  I wanted you to have my everything, I wanted to wear that wedding ring, I wanted you to marry me, but I failed us both cuz I expected you to carry me.  I expected you to be strong and know that I was weak, I expected you to know what I was going to say and for me to not have to even speak.  I expected you to say that we can wait and that you'd wait for me eternally but temptation came in and reality set in and I saw that you were just another human being and this love thing was not just something that got passed from person to person sexually even tho I was positive that I loved you and that you did indeed love me.  But because my definition of love was skewed I saw other ppl that deserved loving and that I knew would show me love as I perceived it to be.  I broke us because I was trying to please me and the route that we were headed I was afraid would be saddening and ultimately because I said I loved you not even knowing what love means.  But now...I'm ready because I've identified the only one that's loved me  all the way from the beginning.  He created you and me and gave us everything, all the tools that we'd be needing as we struggled through these lives that we're yet and still treading.  I know what love is now after seeing that He continues to bless me even after the smoking, the drinking, the lying, and the sexing.  Even though I thought I knew everything he taught me thru his word and life lessons that there was still room for bettering that I could not doing anything till I humbled myself and paid attention to the red lettering and what Jesus had said to me.  Darkness does not exist for people that follow me said he and I knew that it was time for me to adjust my lighting and see God shining, growing me and showing me what love is with a why that has no need for defining.  He led me back to you I did not pick the timing.  I was actually minding my own business.  Goin to church, reading, praying, trying to be a better Christian when suddenly I was told to just go and was subsequently asked..,why are you waiting.  So now I'm here, and I'm saying I love you, before I didn't know what it meant but now I do.  And you'll see it without me even needing to say it because my love for Him will always exceed my love for you. And I think he knows that too, I feel like that's the only reason that he's brought me back to you.  Sorry for everything, I know you forgave me but this time I forgive me too cuz I know that God will always love us even though he won't always love what we do, and even more so he doesn't get mad at you for doing the wrong things when the right things you don't know how to...but now that I'm aware and i understand what love is I am being held fully accountable for all that I do.  We can continue to show our friends, families, and the world God's love together but only if you want to...however...regardless of your decision, I will always love me and of course Romel Du'ane Moore II , I will always love you. 

****FEATURE****A Letter From Son to Mother...

I will read your clues in due time... but in the meantime i really need you to give me my space... i also need you to speak to me like a human being when you ask me to do something instead of yelling. maybe ask a friend to speak if you cant u the gumption to actually explain why you are behaving in the way that you are and your direction for my life.

I have seen many things that you haven't. And vice versa. You have to acknowledge that many of these viewpoints have taken hold just like your fears have done for you. For example. your fear of dogs and weed. I was convinced that these things would tear me apart just like they allegedly did you. But when I got to college these fears naturally drifted away as my peers convinced me that they were truly rubbish. You're not going to always like what I do. But you have to accept it or your very presence in my life will be misconstrued and eventually neutralized to your detriment.

I know you care but worry isn't going to help. Instead of threatening you should let me find out the hard way. I need advice rather than a tight gripping hand. If you let the world beat me than you then we can both succeed because success is written into my plans automatically. If what I deem as success goes along the path that you map out then I will comply. If not I will ignore you.

Missed Carriage by: Sean Vinson ***FEATURE***

My Jade..

"A smooth caramel complexion..

Almond eyes, small in size..

Gorgeous smile..

The mind of an intellectual coupled with the passion of an poet inspired.."

This.. was my imagined architecture of your uncompromised structure that was to be in company within 9 months..

I dreamed of the nights when the slow creeking of my bedroom door

Would signal your otherwise silent presence

Maneuvering under the veil of your favorite blanky across the floor in search of refuge from the Boogeyman's reach..

Maybe I did get ahead of myself by falling behind the lines at Walmart

Collecting a full shopping cart for the "Back to School" sale..

I figured I'd get your Crayola half-price,

That way, your classmates wouldn't even have to ask twice

About your artistic capability that you were bound to possess

But then, my unborn princess

I recognized error in thought process......

I never considered the prospect of you being male

My young Kal-El..

"Heir to my throne and presider over reign

Bearer of legacy and carrier of name

Towering beacon of charisma and fortitude..

Respected AND Respectful.."

Counterfeit flash forward scenes displayed the sight of you catching your first pigskin pass

Followed by an accomplishing laugh that warmed my heart like a Snuggie

My Princess..

My Young Hero..

I.. I love you

I love you though I was never given chance to hold you within the grip of my arms..

Never gifted opportunity to customize bedside tales for your ears only

Never granted fortune.. of fatherhood..

I shed a pint of tears every night I hear silence in place of your voices..

Poorly made choices interrupted the awaiting, weighted rejoices that would come attached to your arrival..

Your survival.. inhibited by annexed inhibitions

Result of poor nutrition of a relationship craving nourishment

We dropped the gifts that heaven sent and I can only pray God forgives us..

Ironically, your unlived life will outlive us..

My Princess..

My Young Hero..

You already have obtained what we so desperately yearn for..

Significance in time forever

Existing in history without ever making impression in the sands of age or experiencing expiration..

You live without death..

Live on