Brick

I refuse to let you kill me
Wounded and scarred...
Bounded and bruised...
I'm too strong
Watch me fight back watch me claw
Get mauled

I love Jill Scott

https://youtu.be/ulLhzJbaq-o

My Trip

Soooo...
A couple weeks ago I was in the mental hospital.
The diagnosis was that I was on drugs and trippin basically.
But, to tell you all the truth...the trip didn't begin when everyone thinks it did.
I had been on my journey for awhile
Detaching myself from things and people
But towards a happier place...
It was the sweet outdoors...
nature...
and love was floating around all in it.
I was at such a peace.
Everything I saw was beautiful.
I didn't think anything of it because I knew that I was on my way towards some good news.
Everything that I could ever want or ask for was at the end of this journey and I just had to push forward.
Till I got there...

Being there helped me to understand what my problems and issues were, and not only that but to approach them and deal with them better so that the consequences hurt less.
That place became home to me.
A place for learning, a place for achieving and overcoming...
a place that's okay to visit but not okay to dwell for too long.

And to this day, I believe that it was just God's voice that I was following.

Long story short...
I'm saved.

Rebirth

I'm going to start just sharing how I feel on here.

On Facebook, I posted a note about how I felt like I wasn't black.
It's about a month or so later and I can definitely say I'm feeling it now.

   Living in Chicago has been a new experience for me.  New but at the same time very familiar.  I grew up in the South Suburbs, got into my fair share of trouble, hung out with the "wrong" people, but lived a decent life.  I witnessed the police bein on bull with some of my friends, experienced them being of no help to me when I needed it, got followed in stores, all that good stuff and never argued with the fact that I was black.
   For some reason going to college changed everything.  Prior to college I had a lot more white friends...I don't think I hardly made any in college.  There was definite segregation.  Being involved in the black community and watching it transform, I began to separate myself from everyone.  I didn't want to be "black" anymore.
   Now when I say that, I don't mean it in the sense that I was ashamed of my race, or where I came from, or that I wanted to change anything at all about who I am/was.  I just didn't want to be herded into a group or be generalized.  I get upset when people talk about women as though we're all the same too, and that's how I felt.  We're all individuals and I couldn't bring myself to carry the same concerns or to be focused on the same trends as everyone else unless I believed in them or cared for them.  But everything was becoming the same.  Black people were trapping themselves in a place where there was so much diversity and knowledge to be gained.  I still struggle with it but....I've definitely grown to appreciate all the differences within black culture and outside of our culture...and also not speak as though I don't understand because I do understand.  We are all different, come from different places and ave different struggles.
At the end of the day I am black.
Black Lives Matter
There are a lot of black people that don't do ish.
There are lot of geniuses in the black community.
There are a lot of people that look at being black as a problem...
I didn't want to be black because we were becoming the problem.
But I'm proud to be black because how I represent myself....although small in comparison to the larger community have the potential to change it.

(Here's my post from Facebook)

Honestly...

With everything that is going on, I'm going to finally address this...

I don't feel black.

Everyday I see #Blacklivesmatter and yes they do and yes they should but...
I don't even know how to define black culture.
Aside from naturally looking different, our music, and maybe some of our homecookin...I don't know what else it is
Maybe because I grew up with white friends
Listened to "white people" music
And only knew about being black from school.
I didn't really watch TV...
Pretty much only heard the music that was played on the radio.
But I didn't see color.
I still don't.
I see people and people with issues.
People who discriminate and are racist, angry, ignorant, selfish, impatient, misinformed, misguided, and need help.
White people.
Black people.
All people.
Most issues being faced today require and effect all people.
I'm sorry but I do not have faith that the black population will come together and make their situation...our situation...better.
Are they able to? Yes.
Black people, whenever there is community, are capable of transgressing as history has shown.
But history has also shown us how often that that has occurred.
The blame can't be entirely on everybody else because
meanwhile, with blacks lacking consistent unification...
those Jim Crow laws have undergone transformation and are lowkey running this entire nation.
It's more than police brutality
Ya'll think this stuff just started happening
Folks die everyday.
The media has been and is still controlling what you see...
Most folks out here are motivated by rage and anger because of it
Why not just be motivated by the right to be free?
To be a human being?
To breathe.
I can't breathe by having to identify as black on everything...but maybe that's just me.
I don't know enough about my heritage to comfortably claim anything.
I'm still learning.
While doing that I'm fighting for what I feel is right and speaking against what I feel is wrong, but last I checked right and wrong wasn't divided racially.
Ya know...I think I'm Native American actually and African American secondly, but I was born in Germany so I could even argue that as my nationality.
What really does any of it mean?
It's just an easy way for someone else to define me...
even though who raised us and where we grew up more accurately display who we're going to be.

Honestly though...
I'm sorry
this is just stuff I needed to get off my chest....
this is stuff that I believe.
I feel lost.
Stuck in the midst of all this chaos.
But it's not new to me.
I just don't understand why,
if we want to be treated equal,
that we don't remove the adjectives
and just be people.

     

Everybody Learns and Communicates Differently

Rise

I can't read your mind.
What you don't say will forever go unheard and misinterpreted as long as you continue to give some but not all of you. You speak in fragments, you start a sentence but never insert punction, you use symbols to say something but you're only using them to draw a picture.
...creating landscape images...
Plains, mountains, waterfalls...peace.
So many places i want to go with you, things I want to see,
air I want to taste...
I want you to breathe.
Let out the words you've been choking on for so long.
Breathe.
Say what you mean...
Allow yourself to interact with me naturally and just be.
Assuming that is what you want....
i could be wrong...

I just be writin.....

Chapter 1

I was in the fifth grade when I realized I was different. I was able to look at things and recognize what bothered me about people. If my vocabulary were more extensive at that age, words and phrases like materialistic, self-centered, ignorant, and misguided would have ran through my mind. But instead words like stupid and hoes filled my mouth.

Ignorance and intelligence are birthed at an early age, sometimes simultaneously.

The Cost of Education

We spend a lot of our time on this earth not knowing things. We live in order to seek out and find answers. Where we find those answers however, differ from person to person. It is very easy to worsen your situation by looking for answers in the wrong places. You begin justifying yourself as opposed to seeking justification. We as people come up with a million reasons as to why we do certain things or as to why things are the way that they are. Even though in reality, gaining knowledge and knowing the real reasons behind these things is much more cost efficient.

It's free to educate yourself. But people consistently choose to wrap their minds around the physical cost of education rather than how readily accessible it already is, with or without the money. People allow cost to deter them from being determined. We should be so determined to gain knowledge that we will do whatever it takes to obtain it. Schools are not the only place to learn and I don't think that school is for everybody. However, in order to succeed in the way that society defines, a school education necessary. Now, that doesn't mean that you can't be successful without school. You can change the world without ever going to school.

The things we experience in life and the situations we're placed in teach lessons, lessons that can't be taught in school. I see myself as intelligent not because I got good grades in school and not because I have a degree, but because I've learned from my mistakes and have grown as a person. With knowledge comes growth. It's impossible to learn and there not be growth in some fashion. We get older, we get wiser, and our overall capacity for knowledge is heightened. Nobody can take away your ability to educate yourself. We innately manufacture excuses as to why we do not excel when really there are none valid. Think about it. We're created to interact with each other and our environment. As soon as we're born we respond to our surroundings, we adapt, and we learn. If an infant, fresh out of the womb has the ability to educate his or herself, then what's stopping you?

Don't let society discourage you. Money doesn't matter, otherwise we would have been born with it. You have everything you need to get whatever you need. The only question you must pose is what don't you know, what do you want to know, what do you need to know, and what do you want to do with that knowledge? Do you want to be happy or do you want to be wealthy?

Clarity

Some people really just can't see beyond themselves....
blinded by imperfection despite the fact that they see 20/20...
there's nothing to be mistaken or interpreted incorrectly...
it just is what it is...
nothing more, nothing less,
but never just you....
because that aint how our vision works....
we see others...
others see us....
and we search for our reflection in them...
in the people around us...
in nature....
and in life.
What you find is what you allow yourself to see.
Vision impairment can b corrected...is it always....no?
But it can be.

Happy Mother's Day

Love your mother.

1:35am on a Tuesday

I never know when it's gonna hit me...
Love.
Something I dream about more awake than I do while sleeping even though most believe it's something that they're consciously feeling and seeing...

Love has no physical characteristic, so how can we possibly know what it is,...Love?

You don't decide.
You don't get to choose.
You don't get to pick with love.
You just do it.

Not even knowing what it is....
we must know and remember...

we have the power

and the strength

To Love.

PEOPLE!

February 18, 2015 @ work

Painted as weak but close to invincible.
Torn down, beaten, neglected, and abused...
but indestructible.
Strong enough to make others believe
But weak enough to crumble with a single touch
A beautiful flower - now withered,
but still rooted in hopes of rebirth.
Potential defined.
Lost...
Confused...
Denied the opportunity to experience life...
To grow...
To just be...
Some there's no saving....trying to find themselves...
wandering aimlessly...refusing help...ready to give up.
For them it's hard to hope
In them it's hard to believe
But change is unpredictable, always attainable, and infinite in its existence when someone reaches deep within them-self or decides to reach out.
To Believe....

Past.Present.Future Love

I spend a lot of time thinking about you...
I wonder...
Have the thoughts of you ever escaped my mind?
These thoughts resurface and the feelings I once felt become tangible again.
I smile.
I laugh.
I remember.
And I still love.
Despite forced distances we've managed to keep in touch, our reaches extended equally, though that's never been enough to really feel anything.
We still love.
We still grasp and hold tight to the understanding that us together just seems right.
We want it to be what it was, and what it was was unfinished.
So I wonder....
what will we become?

Cotton Club Performance 2k12

As you can see we've taken quite a journey through history, and have heard from some famous artists that people see as inspiring.
But while they're doing that, what is it that we're aspiring to be?
Yes "I am a woman phenomenally, phenomenal woman that's me," but what good is that if it's not something the world can see.
We are the generation that has the potential to make change.
The future lies within us and it truly pisses me off to see folks consistently tryna make dollars instead.
Yes Cash Rules Everything Around Me C.R.E.A.M., but this is life not a mug filled with caffeine.
Invest yourself in people cuz when you do it in banks nothing is really that interesting.
Do something more.
Learn something more.
Be something more.
Obama made history but us Kanyes out here doing it everyday and don't need a month will never get mentioning unless we're doin it for real.
Talk is cheap which definitely ain't a good deal; I'll use coupons on a shrink if I wanted that, someone to act like they care how I feel.
We need some repair, some restoration, rejuvenation.
We need everyone to get up and help rebuild this broke down nation.
Through the arts they made a difference back in the renaissance which you've seen; and through the decades when black power was their thing.
But today is a new day.
People are sick, sad, and hungry,
You wanna sit at the grown up table but what are you gonna bring?
The time is now and I'm just here asking how?

How are you gonna do better?  How are you gonna inspire others? How are you gonna be different?

How are YOU gonna be the the change you wanna see?

To dope...for this.

I'm the type of person that frees criminals because I see the imprisonment taking place in their mental state.
These people can't understand. They can't relate to common sense, they hate the world and fight in their own defense because they do not know true love.
They're not allowed to receive hugs...but they see that other people do.
They get kisses too.
But who wouldn't wanna wipe out the whole world by simply attacking our youth?
It's the lower class people that have parents who believe only white folks can b lethal and also anyone who points out that we are not all equals. That we are all different, we all have a deficit, we can't be equivalent, we're not positive people but we're the answer to this simple mathematical equation.
A negative and a negative equals more negative,...the cycle's repetitive.  So why not support the people that we define in our minds, probably because in our own minds we're held captive with the same strength we have to find freedom.

Simply reading,...but beyond just the letters and symbols and other physical representations.
Using our imaginations but creating the world we want to live in.
Every person, is a prisoner because who you are is within.
#PS #MoretoCome #LovePeaceProgressionLive

Mirror Work

Sometimes you just have to face the facts.
Admit to yourself that you messed up,
that you let yourself down,
that you can't blame anyone but yourself,
that you made the decision!

But also that you're human...

We all do it.
Own up to it.
You'll be forgiven by those that really love you.

Moment of Remembrance

Hey...hope all is well.
Just was thinking about you.
Talk to you later.

Love Haiku

I know I'm in love
When someone supports my dreams
By making them real

Creating an Artistic Community

Good Evening.

If it sounds like something worthwhile, please help me out if you can, and hit me up if you got questions, comments, or suggestions.  panitradope.blogspot.com

Barricaded

These keys hold freedom in their possession.
They lock in the depressed and are the source of my oppression,
I spend 40 plus hours a week redirecting
and trying to give people hope
in a place that sees no purpose in perpetuating progression
but rather making money off of special kids who need help dealing with life lessons
....these keys are weapons.
Harming to those that hold them and painful to those left behind because when the door to the outside closes it's magnetized, and both sides realize that this barricade exists not only physically but also in their minds.
..mine saying...
how could you?
Make these kids slaves, lock them up like they're caged, call them by patients and problems instead of by their names while the other side in their mind says...
I'm never leaving this place,
I'm tired of seeing the same faces, but I want to know what it's like, I need some space...
is this what my whole life will be like?
Keys open doors.
who is holding the key to yours?
the key to your life...
the keys to your home...???

Happy Birthday Father =)

Dear Father,
I love you.
When I was younger, I will admit,  I disregarded your existence.  Partly because I didn't want to be hurt is why I did that,  but mainly because I didn't understand. But dad...you are a great man.  As humans,  none of us are perfect.  But as children, which we all are,  we hold expectations of perfection from those who parent us.  It takes a certain level of maturity to love unconditionally,  and that's what my love for you is now.   We know what we've been through but I'm still your daughter and I still love you.   I know feelings are mutual when I say that there's nothin I wouldn't do for you.  I'm glad to be where we are.  I'm happy to have your nose and your freckles and your feet.  I'm happy to be me- and I'm only me because of you.  Thank you...and i thank God for you.   This is long overdue but here's your birthday letter.  I wrote mom a couple when I was younger and you and I were distant but happy birthday pops, hope to see you soon and always, always, always...love you.

Danitra (Neeti)...your baby

Love is a verb

He's stuck in my head playing video games that control the fate of the characterizations of us in my brain.... Washin my pain making me feel like I ain't goin insane. I'm happy Finally loving me Finally loving He Again =)

Proximity

Love is a desire for the unknown Wanting what you fear Knowing nothing but understanding everything Love is faith. And it seems as though it's brought me to this place of intimidation...A junction. But I turn away. Ignoring the fact that there are only two different paths I can take. There's the path where love gives and there's the path where love takes but those are kinda one in the same which is why I'm thinking in my mind it's best to stay in the middle lane actually not the middle lane but riding on the median trying to find a happy medium between pleasure and pain but I'm leaning towards the easy lane, the one that's right that my drive just kinda shifts towards due to the alignment if you're getting what I'm saying. Understanding that I only believe in one love and that's the love that's most demanding...the one that proceeds to break me down when I'm at my strongest then build me up. The one I don't have to wait on to grow up. The one that helps to grow me when the times are tough. What I need. Well...what I feel like I need and what will no doubt satisfy me. But this is territory unknown and the only time the ground is lit is when we're distant...we'll see what happens when we come close.