10.21.2015

10.21.2015

The last journal I had was full of nasty things.  I made note of the boys that noticed me and what I thought of them and what transpired among us.  My mom found it and that was the end of that.  My interactions with man/men have been so informative.  I've learned a lot from mistakes that have been made, words that haven't been said, and hurts that I've caused and endured.  People are so interesting.  Answers can lie in front of a person for years before that person decides to acknowledge them as correct.  But everything takes time and more importantly, patience.  My patience is growing thanks to God.  I have a greater sense of urgency, but I'm learning not to rush.  "Fate will unwind as it must..." I still love that quote, but - I also believe and accept it now.  God has a plan for my life and for the lives of those around me.  I just gotta pay attention and keep moving

Day Five - 10.18.2015

I want to stop typing these up and sharing them but that would just add to my list of incompletions.  I start things without finishing them a lot.  I finish things and I'm not satisfied with them a lot. But, I'm going to keep sharing these.  For those who don't know, (I stated in a previous post), I recently lost my mind.  These entries are from a time where I was unsure of a lot and still coming to terms with who I was and who I wanted to be just in general.  Therefore if they don't make sense, hopefully you can understand that I was in the process of making my life make sense...though it still doesn't...there's a new found peace in it.
Anyway...here's what I wrote the fifth day...  

10.18.2015

It's funny that I explain my relationship with my first love as consistently inconsistent.  I fall in and out of love all too often.  It never dawned on me...until now...that I fall in and out of my faith as well.  God can, will, and is making LIFE happen.  Whether it be good or bad in my eyes, it's been orchestrated or ordained by God.  I'm thankful for this realization.  This new hope and this new love.  LOL and I love how everything happens whether or not we want it to happen.  We're not in control of anything.  We have a choice but that is the choice of having one...or not...truly putting everything in God's hands and just living.  BUT listening, staying focused, and practicing patience.  Man...God is good =)

Everybody Learns and Communicates Differently

Proximity

Love is a desire for the unknown Wanting what you fear Knowing nothing but understanding everything Love is faith. And it seems as though it's brought me to this place of intimidation...A junction. But I turn away. Ignoring the fact that there are only two different paths I can take. There's the path where love gives and there's the path where love takes but those are kinda one in the same which is why I'm thinking in my mind it's best to stay in the middle lane actually not the middle lane but riding on the median trying to find a happy medium between pleasure and pain but I'm leaning towards the easy lane, the one that's right that my drive just kinda shifts towards due to the alignment if you're getting what I'm saying. Understanding that I only believe in one love and that's the love that's most demanding...the one that proceeds to break me down when I'm at my strongest then build me up. The one I don't have to wait on to grow up. The one that helps to grow me when the times are tough. What I need. Well...what I feel like I need and what will no doubt satisfy me. But this is territory unknown and the only time the ground is lit is when we're distant...we'll see what happens when we come close.

Lifesaver

Thank God for saving my life. I know I'm not the only one who has questioned their purpose here. I know I'm not the only one who has asked why to answers given and things we cannot change. I've cried for understanding and to be understood...to know why God has kept me so long through what has seemed like hell on earth. Deep down I think we all know why... there's something deep within that drives each of us and terrifies us to think about all at the same time. Our biggest fears tend to be our deepest desires. Typically it's those who do what we're afraid to do that inspire as we believe we're incapable. But there are always things that you can do that someone else can't; know that you are inspirational too...someone looks up to you, but you gotta be here for them to. Once you're gone the memory of you lives on but there's no one here to show them what to do and how to push through. I know I've made it far, moreover I know it's been hard, but I'm still here and it's time to stop sleeping on my dreams and make them reality. I take two steps forward and three steps back so frequently but I'm no longer settling, I'm not giving up, I know I'm still progressing. You can't let go of what you love although it's a struggle to love it, it'll help guide you to where you want to be and you'll be thankful because of it. Be thankful because it's a blessing to be alive...to feel, to heal, to create, to survive...we're power filled people...gifted with choice. Our minds are things that cannot be changed, not even by God himself, he gave us that before he gave us anything else. So decide on something and stop asking why...give yourself a reason to want to live your life, ask and God will supply. I almost didn't make it...to be honest...I wanted to die...but ain't no time like God's timing, patience surmounts pride, you'll get where you want to be. Just appreciate what you have, look forward to where you're going, fight for what u want, LOVE, don't be afraid and don't stop living.

Persevere

Lying to yourself 

Spending time that should be saved 

Maintain your focus 

Somethings are just hard

A test of patience and will

but we can do it

You are not alone

Just look around and smile

God is always good 

9-8-09

It's painful
Not to kno what's going on in the minds of those who surround you
It's awkward
Who should initiate, who should go first, not even knowing if the others are willing 2 participate
But they already are participating in this game.
This challenge, this test of patience.
This silence.

1/22/12

It hurts...

to not know the source of my sorrow

It can be nothing but the devil trying to defeat...

me...

us...

the relationship we're building

the LOVE that we've found in each other

I'm terrified that it will fade

-that it will diminish

-that it will disappear

that is my greatest fear

because I don't see much use in me

but you do...

you have a vision,

you have a plan,

you have more for me than I could ever imagine

I just need to be able to look at myself

my potential

my strengths

my possibilities

and believe that

I can...

Why Not Love?

You distract me in the worst way...it's like I'm getting hit while crossing the street although I've looked both ways knowing which way was right...and unfortunately you're not it.  But the scenery with you is beautiful.  I take the detour delightfully because you excite me...you take a figure eight trip to paint a picture of how much you wanna be to me.  You're so sweet to me.  You very well may be what I need but every fear takes time to overcome, and I'm just taking heed because I don't wanna hurt you by filling your mind with things I can't be.  But know that I could be your everything if I just would, if we lived somewhere where time didn't matter and everything made sense before we even gained our common sense that we weren't supposed to get and only got because we robbed the flower of knowledge....Before we crossed those lines u coulda been mine, and you coulda been mine eternally. But where are we now? Look around.  Think about all of the people that need my love before you decide to settle down.  It's not about me, never will be and never was...Ask me why I love you...it's just because...

My First Time....

Everybody must remember their very first time...
that first intertwine...
that body on body...
mind focused on mind...
that mmmmm.
I definitely remember mine.
See it wasn't that romantically exquisite, intimate, candles lit,
it was me climbing on top taking it slowly, yet swiftly
at the tender age of 13.
Yea....me.
Exposed to sex prematurely I allowed the lust and his touch and his touch and his touch to consume me
Living by the motto "I'm just doin me" but realistically everybody was doin me
Shoot I was every man's best friend
Quick to lend a hand and fast to use my head
That...was me.
But look at me now
Not the sight you'd expect to see
Not pregnant, never burnt, nor infected with AIDs or HIV,
not raped, buried in the ground, prostituting or anything
Ya see cuz me...I'm blessed
All that mess was just a test and thankfully I've passed.
I've relinquished that temptation because I refuse to receive condemnation or damnation
 for satisfying some dude's need for ejaculation
That ain't me no more.
Go head and say it, "Danitra you was a whore"
Because I know that in the bible Hebrews 13:4, it says "God will judge"
And therefore I ain't worried none.
I've repented my sins and ain't relapsing again and for those of you that think I will...think again.

And for those of you out there still "doin you," I ain't mad at you, how could I be?...
It's just that one day I hope you've made it this far, and by the grace of God are proud enough to stand up and say...
Look at me.

Maybe...

Maybe it's not like that
Maybe it grew from a situation years ago that hurt the people that helped him grow
Maybe he really just doesn't know
...But I know, he listens
I know he tries to understand 
but i also know he is stubborn and his thoughts remain in demand
but one has to fall before one can stand
Maybe he just needed to make this one mistake
in order to realize what was truly at stake
Maybe I needed the hurt in order to stand the rain
Maybe I want him for reasons i can't explain 
but maybe he's finally tired of putting us thru pain
Either way whether it be me or her it will not happen again
No more hurt than what ive experienced can or will be inflicted 
Becuz thru the break in my heart that i felt i realized my feelings were restricted
My feelings...for myself
It is a relationship with me and only me that i need in order to succeed
No man, woman, nor object produced by the flesh can stop me in my tracks for
I will continue to proceed...thru the trials, thru the tears, thru the rain, ill fist fight the devil myself but
I WILL REIGN
Maybe a remnant of what was between us still remains
They say it aint over till the fat lady sangs
So maybe...it's not. maybe there's just been a change
Maybe there has been a change in him for i know there's been one in me
And with me not thru me maybe he can truly see...God
The Lord works in mysterious ways and it's crazy how my GOD can divide, in order to help me decide, whether or not that love was truly devine and then bring him back to me for me to pick him up when he feels as tho he's been denied. 
Maybe all this drama has just been to make us stronger so that i can truly have a real man on my side
Maybe he is meant to be mine
Maybe he's not and i should stop tryin
Maybe NOW is the time...
Time for me to make up my mind-
and stop sayin...
maybe

2/5/2010

Living in Denial

We take the moments we have for granted and choose not to grab from them. To take away the things that drew us to them seems like a waste, when if we could place ourselves in the same shoes we were in when we were in those situations... things would be different.  In those places we have the want to remain but hate to admit it in the present day because it reminds us of our flaws, reminds us of our pain, reinforces our reality, the mundane day to day.  We're afraid to challenge ourselves and show our faith.  Afraid to be alone, we're afraid of leaving those we're with because it may make us seem selfish when really you're doing everyone a favor by just being honest.  You insult, place blame, point fingers, and call others out of their name because you're stuck.  You messed up.  You have to live with fact that you chose to eff yourself by denying yourself and lying to yourself about what it is you really wanted and still think about a good chunk of the time.  And it hurts for me to see you feel this way, it hurts that you choose to inflict this pain when cure has been given.  You're free.  But you choose not to be and psychologically place yourself in a box consumed by your thoughts.  I just want you to step out of that.  I can deal with the disgrace and lies you tell people because despite the mask you wear I see the real face.  Underneath the facade I see you about to suffocate, you're literally killing yourself.  You're letting your life waste away...but that's what happens when you let all your tomorrows remind you of your yesterdays, instead of doing what's best for you and living for today.

Questions

Would we all look the same if we never learned to tame our NATURAL ways? 
Maybe not the same but similar, surrounded by faces that look FAMILIAR.
If we were hunters and gatherers for all of our lives, would no one fall victim to the super-sized….would we all be HEALTHY? 
If we never created money would we all be WEALTHY? 
If no languages were created, how then would things be communicated?
If there were no schools would we all be fools? 
If we had no names wouldn’t we all be the same? 
And wouldn’t that make sense? 
BORN in iniquity yet EQUAL cuz we’re shaped in his image

The Markings of My Temple

I loved you, you were my everything.  You brought me to Christ and made me realize through his eyes that I'm here because of his grace.  Face it and you'll see where my heart lays.  For real...but that don't mean that it's always okay which is why I say that clouds that are gray are a good thing because you can't ever grow without rain.  I tell the world when you get raised you will get praised for not being or saying the same as everyone.  But still don't get crazed although life is a maze, stay on the right path or get buried for days.  RIP to your fam because he ain't walk the right way although he was created to.  They slated you as a criminal because of your physical I just pray that your spiritual was destined for eternal shining...but I mean a lot of the world needs to know to keep their lights shining.  You're not the only one.  Which is why I try to show them by exposing a part of me.  So that they may see that although scarred on the surface our meaning lies deeper within.


Map

1. A cross at the top of my spine and the base of my neck with a heart in the middle composed of a bass clef and treble clef.

2. Ecclesiastes 7:3 - Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better. Located on my left rib-cage, nearest my heart.

3. Romans 12:2 - ...be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind,... Located on my right rib-cage, upper right side.

4. Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Located on my lower right side, nearest my hip.

5. Psalms 115:7 - ...feet have they, but they walk not...Located on my right foot

6. II Corinthians 4:18 - ...look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. Located down my spine.

7. Luke 11:35 - Take heed therefore that the light which is in thee be not darkness. Located on my left thigh.

I'll Wait

Many times God I've tried to fill your position with a worldly person that was not you
I placed all my faith into him and he placed of his into me
Unsuccessfully...because what we were trying to uphold was unGodly
And yet...with those thoughts beside me I failed to realize that one guy I needed was you
So...I continued to cry tear after tear not knowing why...but the answer was as simple as 2+2
You God...I needed you
You tested me and took away what i thought was best for me...
I thought I'd lost my other half but God your are the rest of me
All the pain i endured and time i spent weeping were just ingredients in your divine recipe
And now i know patience...
And now i know humility...
I find myself sitting back watching the clock tick-tock peacefully...
saying to my self I'll wait, I'll wait....
I'll wait for you God till eternity

Written June 11, 2010 at 12:26am