Proximity

Love is a desire for the unknown Wanting what you fear Knowing nothing but understanding everything Love is faith. And it seems as though it's brought me to this place of intimidation...A junction. But I turn away. Ignoring the fact that there are only two different paths I can take. There's the path where love gives and there's the path where love takes but those are kinda one in the same which is why I'm thinking in my mind it's best to stay in the middle lane actually not the middle lane but riding on the median trying to find a happy medium between pleasure and pain but I'm leaning towards the easy lane, the one that's right that my drive just kinda shifts towards due to the alignment if you're getting what I'm saying. Understanding that I only believe in one love and that's the love that's most demanding...the one that proceeds to break me down when I'm at my strongest then build me up. The one I don't have to wait on to grow up. The one that helps to grow me when the times are tough. What I need. Well...what I feel like I need and what will no doubt satisfy me. But this is territory unknown and the only time the ground is lit is when we're distant...we'll see what happens when we come close.

For my Great-Grandpa

My Great-grandpa was a strong man.  Never showed a sign of weakness as he towered above us all, because my great-grandpa was tall.  He had more height than any of us physically and he had more might than the majority of us mentally, and he had a bigger appetite than most of us no matter how skinny he was.  Always tellin us to eat our meals with a piece of bread, my great-grandpa always made sure we were well fed.  Watering the seeds he planted and giving them what they needed while demanding no interference.  Ya see my great-grandpa had a green thumb when it came to gardening.  The fruits he produced provided life, love, and nourishment to the women who produced me.  And to be fortunate enough to feed and have fed off of the things that my great-grandpa grew is a blessing that I pray you have had the chance to experience too.  There was nothing that my great-grandpa couldn't do.  He built things from the ground up with his bare hands,...my great-grandpa was simply a great man.
But...I do believe we're falling short of his greatness, fighting to achieve nothing while fighting each other with obscenities, posting statuses and talking down to one another as though we're not all fam and we don't already have enough enemies. Is this what my great-grandpa gave birth to?  Even if you say it's not, that's how it seems.  Spending so much time bickering we're not catering to our loved ones needs and maybe if we were, the majority of us wouldn't be hurting.  My great-grandpa was a man to celebrate but we only cared when we had time and when we finally found the time we also found it was too late. 
Funerals bring families together from near and from afar.  I would think living in the same proximity does that but I guess that belief is sub-par.  I love my family with all my heart and I definitely love my great-grandpa, but looking around....I don't recognize ya'll.  This ain't what I remember...I'm kinda glad my great-grandpa stopped remembering because this ain't something that I would want him to see.  If he were to remember the seeds he planted he woulda also known that the roots seem to be dying and so with that great-grandpa...Rest in Peace. 

February 11, 2010

I'm sure there have been a lot of love poems written, but all disclosin' an aspect of it that is different.
Most love poems I've read are happy; filled with fascinations, infatuations, and I love this about hers and hims.  But I have yet to read a love poem that contains the arguments, fights, and struggles within.
We all have em and we all go through em and if your love doesn't well shoot I say screw em because there's no foundation.

When building any structure you start from the bottom then make your way to the top, but if you already at the peak then what exactly do you got?

You can't take it any higher and I don't know about you but to me that's boring. Some of the greatest moments in my life have come from overcoming. That is the greatest feeling...
you know they say love conquers all but with nothing to conquer your love is nothing at all.
Oh yeah good times are great but they'll turn bad if you can't recover from a fall.
That's what love is.
It's when it ain't all about he/she makes me feel good about myself, you should already feel good about yourself, and love them for who they are, it shouldn't be about anyone else.
Remove you from the equation and see what you have left.  And if there's nothing then there's nothing put them phony feelings back on the shelf it wasn't love...it ain't love...it is not love....and this...ain't a love poem.

1/22/12

It hurts...

to not know the source of my sorrow

It can be nothing but the devil trying to defeat...

me...

us...

the relationship we're building

the LOVE that we've found in each other

I'm terrified that it will fade

-that it will diminish

-that it will disappear

that is my greatest fear

because I don't see much use in me

but you do...

you have a vision,

you have a plan,

you have more for me than I could ever imagine

I just need to be able to look at myself

my potential

my strengths

my possibilities

and believe that

I can...

My First Time....

Everybody must remember their very first time...
that first intertwine...
that body on body...
mind focused on mind...
that mmmmm.
I definitely remember mine.
See it wasn't that romantically exquisite, intimate, candles lit,
it was me climbing on top taking it slowly, yet swiftly
at the tender age of 13.
Yea....me.
Exposed to sex prematurely I allowed the lust and his touch and his touch and his touch to consume me
Living by the motto "I'm just doin me" but realistically everybody was doin me
Shoot I was every man's best friend
Quick to lend a hand and fast to use my head
That...was me.
But look at me now
Not the sight you'd expect to see
Not pregnant, never burnt, nor infected with AIDs or HIV,
not raped, buried in the ground, prostituting or anything
Ya see cuz me...I'm blessed
All that mess was just a test and thankfully I've passed.
I've relinquished that temptation because I refuse to receive condemnation or damnation
 for satisfying some dude's need for ejaculation
That ain't me no more.
Go head and say it, "Danitra you was a whore"
Because I know that in the bible Hebrews 13:4, it says "God will judge"
And therefore I ain't worried none.
I've repented my sins and ain't relapsing again and for those of you that think I will...think again.

And for those of you out there still "doin you," I ain't mad at you, how could I be?...
It's just that one day I hope you've made it this far, and by the grace of God are proud enough to stand up and say...
Look at me.

Maybe...

Maybe it's not like that
Maybe it grew from a situation years ago that hurt the people that helped him grow
Maybe he really just doesn't know
...But I know, he listens
I know he tries to understand 
but i also know he is stubborn and his thoughts remain in demand
but one has to fall before one can stand
Maybe he just needed to make this one mistake
in order to realize what was truly at stake
Maybe I needed the hurt in order to stand the rain
Maybe I want him for reasons i can't explain 
but maybe he's finally tired of putting us thru pain
Either way whether it be me or her it will not happen again
No more hurt than what ive experienced can or will be inflicted 
Becuz thru the break in my heart that i felt i realized my feelings were restricted
My feelings...for myself
It is a relationship with me and only me that i need in order to succeed
No man, woman, nor object produced by the flesh can stop me in my tracks for
I will continue to proceed...thru the trials, thru the tears, thru the rain, ill fist fight the devil myself but
I WILL REIGN
Maybe a remnant of what was between us still remains
They say it aint over till the fat lady sangs
So maybe...it's not. maybe there's just been a change
Maybe there has been a change in him for i know there's been one in me
And with me not thru me maybe he can truly see...God
The Lord works in mysterious ways and it's crazy how my GOD can divide, in order to help me decide, whether or not that love was truly devine and then bring him back to me for me to pick him up when he feels as tho he's been denied. 
Maybe all this drama has just been to make us stronger so that i can truly have a real man on my side
Maybe he is meant to be mine
Maybe he's not and i should stop tryin
Maybe NOW is the time...
Time for me to make up my mind-
and stop sayin...
maybe

2/5/2010

(the night of) 9-9-09

My eyes overflow with tears constantly. i'm the diamond in the rough but nobody can seem to dig me out. they give up, and i'm left stuck...drowning in the puddles which my tears have pitter pattered on my pillows. sheltered only by darkness, which isn't a safe place at all. In the dark is where the bad things crawl. the negative thoughts, the pessimism, the anger, the confusion, and the downfall. All because of you. i'm left alone...to fend for myself, to live solely for myself, to love me and nobody else. You've extinguished the flame within me. My heart is ice now. Though it has the capability to melt it also is capable of being broken numerous times. shattering into lots of little pieces but never going back to its original state. i really don't kno what else to say or what i just said. i'm just writing...the only thing that can't steal my joy away, break my heart, or strand me and make me lonely. My outlet to express my emotions which u couldn't handle and what it seems u barely possessed now i'm a mess. The tears stopped flowing, but this pain i feel....this pain, is forever.

Living in Denial

We take the moments we have for granted and choose not to grab from them. To take away the things that drew us to them seems like a waste, when if we could place ourselves in the same shoes we were in when we were in those situations... things would be different.  In those places we have the want to remain but hate to admit it in the present day because it reminds us of our flaws, reminds us of our pain, reinforces our reality, the mundane day to day.  We're afraid to challenge ourselves and show our faith.  Afraid to be alone, we're afraid of leaving those we're with because it may make us seem selfish when really you're doing everyone a favor by just being honest.  You insult, place blame, point fingers, and call others out of their name because you're stuck.  You messed up.  You have to live with fact that you chose to eff yourself by denying yourself and lying to yourself about what it is you really wanted and still think about a good chunk of the time.  And it hurts for me to see you feel this way, it hurts that you choose to inflict this pain when cure has been given.  You're free.  But you choose not to be and psychologically place yourself in a box consumed by your thoughts.  I just want you to step out of that.  I can deal with the disgrace and lies you tell people because despite the mask you wear I see the real face.  Underneath the facade I see you about to suffocate, you're literally killing yourself.  You're letting your life waste away...but that's what happens when you let all your tomorrows remind you of your yesterdays, instead of doing what's best for you and living for today.

Socratic Irony

Reality is...we know less than we think we do, do less than we need to do, and feel as though no one else can tell us what we ought to do.  The reality in that is that we spend most of our lives trying to figure out who we were made to be and what we were made to do....all in all not really knowing ourselves as well as we think we do.  

Reality is...we're not supposed to be comfortable.  Each time we start to feel comfortable physically our bodies change and forcibly place us in situations of discomfort.  Learning to walk and subsequently fall.  The agonizing pain of teething.  The psychological challenges of puberty.  All things are necessary parts of growth.

That's why there's an eeriness to placidity.  When things are completely still, with no disruption, and no movement....sounds like death.  Even in our sleep we move because reality is we have to.

There's growth in education, whether you're the teacher or the student.  We're created to be both...but reality is...we don't know how...and we're the reason why we don't.

I'll Wait

Many times God I've tried to fill your position with a worldly person that was not you
I placed all my faith into him and he placed of his into me
Unsuccessfully...because what we were trying to uphold was unGodly
And yet...with those thoughts beside me I failed to realize that one guy I needed was you
So...I continued to cry tear after tear not knowing why...but the answer was as simple as 2+2
You God...I needed you
You tested me and took away what i thought was best for me...
I thought I'd lost my other half but God your are the rest of me
All the pain i endured and time i spent weeping were just ingredients in your divine recipe
And now i know patience...
And now i know humility...
I find myself sitting back watching the clock tick-tock peacefully...
saying to my self I'll wait, I'll wait....
I'll wait for you God till eternity

Written June 11, 2010 at 12:26am

For Jonylah...[the vigil] 3-14-2013

First thank you to the lovely men of Omega Psi Phi Fraternity, Inc. for hosting this vigil, your hearts were seen and heard, and these words were never meant to offend, but to inspire. #LovePeaceProgression 

I'm not gonna ask why this happened because I don't know how many more tears I can cry for questions with no answers.  We stand here unified but with the unsettling realization that our silence, this moment of silence will be unheard.  Why is it that we wait for things like this t happen in order to notice that things aren't right?  Ignorance is eradicating innocence and negligence holds all relevance in today's society.  How are we so blind when God has granted us the ability to witness so many times?  Lord knows that Chicago has seen enough people die and on a larger scale: 9/11, Sandy Hook, Virginia Tech, Colorado, and Columbine.  How do we not see those clear cut signs that there's something wrong with us?  I say us because of where we are now.  If it didn't have something to do with us, well then why are we here standing around?  It's because it does.  I'm related to a person who just last year murdered her two year old son.  It's 18 days prior to the one year anniversary and we're here having a vigil for an infant who died by the gun.  Shot 5 times they say...but now what can we do?  My only answer would be to pray.  There's no point in asking why, how, or who...People that commit crimes like these are sick and in my stomach create a feeling that's nauseous but to me they're no worse than me or you because believe it or not several of them know not what they do.  I do my best not to judge cuz that's what the bible says NOT to do, but most of us would feel better if the people that committed these crimes just dies too.  Don't you see that solves nothing?  Don't you see that we need to take action and actually do something?  Something more than just this, no offense but I doubt us standing here in the cold, candles lit, and mouths closed is making much difference.  We need to start rebuilding and reconstructing our beliefs.  We need to learn that love, the first and greatest commandment, actually can conquer everything.  If people received enough love they wouldn't wanna be in the streets, if they received positive reinforcement rather than conflict with police enforcers what reason would there be to pack heat?  If gangs respected each other when they crossed territorial lines, there wouldn't be collisions when they meet.  If we got up and raised our fists altogether there would be no declaration of defeat.  And I refuse to lose so I'm here telling you...WE have the power to change things, not by casting fake sorrows and temporary tears but by making the conscious effort to stop blaming, to stop hating, and to start loving one another again.  The only question that I stand here willing to ask is...when?  But for now, let's bow our heads....close our eyes...and prepare to say Amen.

4.24.13 - 12:21am

When I write I aim to capture the ears of the deaf and the eyes of the blind, to change a life one word at a time...if this world were mine I would rewrite history in a way that speaks uniquely to each and every individual mind.  But in a way of which they understand that I'm only here trying to help guide them, to help arrive them at a place not by mistake, but a place where they can realize that they're the authors of their own fate.  They just need to seek knowledge or find someone who's willing to translate.  Create conjunctions out of malfunctions and make sentences out of senselessness to write a novel about perfection and all of its censorship.  Not masking our errors or deciding what's fair or disguising the things that provide our most obvious perceptions.  Redirection is key and I just hope that one day I may prescribe you with the right lens to correct your astigmatisms and speak so loudly that people's ears ring...and the only thing they hear becomes their pulses's rhythm.  Then...with the right timing, I hope that one day I may change the entire world with my writing.