Proximity

Love is a desire for the unknown Wanting what you fear Knowing nothing but understanding everything Love is faith. And it seems as though it's brought me to this place of intimidation...A junction. But I turn away. Ignoring the fact that there are only two different paths I can take. There's the path where love gives and there's the path where love takes but those are kinda one in the same which is why I'm thinking in my mind it's best to stay in the middle lane actually not the middle lane but riding on the median trying to find a happy medium between pleasure and pain but I'm leaning towards the easy lane, the one that's right that my drive just kinda shifts towards due to the alignment if you're getting what I'm saying. Understanding that I only believe in one love and that's the love that's most demanding...the one that proceeds to break me down when I'm at my strongest then build me up. The one I don't have to wait on to grow up. The one that helps to grow me when the times are tough. What I need. Well...what I feel like I need and what will no doubt satisfy me. But this is territory unknown and the only time the ground is lit is when we're distant...we'll see what happens when we come close.

February 11, 2010

I'm sure there have been a lot of love poems written, but all disclosin' an aspect of it that is different.
Most love poems I've read are happy; filled with fascinations, infatuations, and I love this about hers and hims.  But I have yet to read a love poem that contains the arguments, fights, and struggles within.
We all have em and we all go through em and if your love doesn't well shoot I say screw em because there's no foundation.

When building any structure you start from the bottom then make your way to the top, but if you already at the peak then what exactly do you got?

You can't take it any higher and I don't know about you but to me that's boring. Some of the greatest moments in my life have come from overcoming. That is the greatest feeling...
you know they say love conquers all but with nothing to conquer your love is nothing at all.
Oh yeah good times are great but they'll turn bad if you can't recover from a fall.
That's what love is.
It's when it ain't all about he/she makes me feel good about myself, you should already feel good about yourself, and love them for who they are, it shouldn't be about anyone else.
Remove you from the equation and see what you have left.  And if there's nothing then there's nothing put them phony feelings back on the shelf it wasn't love...it ain't love...it is not love....and this...ain't a love poem.

To a part of my heart...

With there being an us I didn't see a reason for just I.  I disregarded all feelings I should have possessed for myself and let me die.  Self mutilation led to my destruction. I was unable to feel the pain even as tears fell from my eyes and I was hurting because I refused to look in the mirror and see what scars had been left on me even tho i knew only magic mirrors could show what was inside.  i chose not to spend any time reflecting on the fact that the image of me was beautiful because once I realized that Snow White was the fairest Of them all i just knew that beautiful was something I could never be.  That is what I believed and therefore there was no going back for me.  Mentally I was trained to see myself as nothing physically and thus gave myself freely all the while suffering subconsciously while on the surface there was rising satisfaction in a life I was living lustfully, enjoying my ignorance and neglecting my necessities in order to provide pleasure to ppl at random taking pride in the ecstasies i provided them instantly, confidently stating that anyone could confide in me sexually and my ability to feed the needs of everyone but me i.e. I was thanking everybody and no one had to say please because I loved to do these things and I thought that by doing them that they would make me love me.  But making love is faking cuz nobody even made love to give birth to me, i mean if they did wouldn't it be something that I could still see.  The only things that are made are tangible things and last time I checked I ain't never felt love all over me but best believe I tried. I tried...to love you the best I knew how, and at this point I'm sure you can see that what I knew was nothing.  I thought that I was loving.  I wanted you to have my everything, I wanted to wear that wedding ring, I wanted you to marry me, but I failed us both cuz I expected you to carry me.  I expected you to be strong and know that I was weak, I expected you to know what I was going to say and for me to not have to even speak.  I expected you to say that we can wait and that you'd wait for me eternally but temptation came in and reality set in and I saw that you were just another human being and this love thing was not just something that got passed from person to person sexually even tho I was positive that I loved you and that you did indeed love me.  But because my definition of love was skewed I saw other ppl that deserved loving and that I knew would show me love as I perceived it to be.  I broke us because I was trying to please me and the route that we were headed I was afraid would be saddening and ultimately because I said I loved you not even knowing what love means.  But now...I'm ready because I've identified the only one that's loved me  all the way from the beginning.  He created you and me and gave us everything, all the tools that we'd be needing as we struggled through these lives that we're yet and still treading.  I know what love is now after seeing that He continues to bless me even after the smoking, the drinking, the lying, and the sexing.  Even though I thought I knew everything he taught me thru his word and life lessons that there was still room for bettering that I could not doing anything till I humbled myself and paid attention to the red lettering and what Jesus had said to me.  Darkness does not exist for people that follow me said he and I knew that it was time for me to adjust my lighting and see God shining, growing me and showing me what love is with a why that has no need for defining.  He led me back to you I did not pick the timing.  I was actually minding my own business.  Goin to church, reading, praying, trying to be a better Christian when suddenly I was told to just go and was subsequently asked..,why are you waiting.  So now I'm here, and I'm saying I love you, before I didn't know what it meant but now I do.  And you'll see it without me even needing to say it because my love for Him will always exceed my love for you. And I think he knows that too, I feel like that's the only reason that he's brought me back to you.  Sorry for everything, I know you forgave me but this time I forgive me too cuz I know that God will always love us even though he won't always love what we do, and even more so he doesn't get mad at you for doing the wrong things when the right things you don't know how to...but now that I'm aware and i understand what love is I am being held fully accountable for all that I do.  We can continue to show our friends, families, and the world God's love together but only if you want to...however...regardless of your decision, I will always love me and of course Romel Du'ane Moore II , I will always love you. 

Missed Carriage by: Sean Vinson ***FEATURE***

My Jade..

"A smooth caramel complexion..

Almond eyes, small in size..

Gorgeous smile..

The mind of an intellectual coupled with the passion of an poet inspired.."

This.. was my imagined architecture of your uncompromised structure that was to be in company within 9 months..

I dreamed of the nights when the slow creeking of my bedroom door

Would signal your otherwise silent presence

Maneuvering under the veil of your favorite blanky across the floor in search of refuge from the Boogeyman's reach..

Maybe I did get ahead of myself by falling behind the lines at Walmart

Collecting a full shopping cart for the "Back to School" sale..

I figured I'd get your Crayola half-price,

That way, your classmates wouldn't even have to ask twice

About your artistic capability that you were bound to possess

But then, my unborn princess

I recognized error in thought process......

I never considered the prospect of you being male

My young Kal-El..

"Heir to my throne and presider over reign

Bearer of legacy and carrier of name

Towering beacon of charisma and fortitude..

Respected AND Respectful.."

Counterfeit flash forward scenes displayed the sight of you catching your first pigskin pass

Followed by an accomplishing laugh that warmed my heart like a Snuggie

My Princess..

My Young Hero..

I.. I love you

I love you though I was never given chance to hold you within the grip of my arms..

Never gifted opportunity to customize bedside tales for your ears only

Never granted fortune.. of fatherhood..

I shed a pint of tears every night I hear silence in place of your voices..

Poorly made choices interrupted the awaiting, weighted rejoices that would come attached to your arrival..

Your survival.. inhibited by annexed inhibitions

Result of poor nutrition of a relationship craving nourishment

We dropped the gifts that heaven sent and I can only pray God forgives us..

Ironically, your unlived life will outlive us..

My Princess..

My Young Hero..

You already have obtained what we so desperately yearn for..

Significance in time forever

Existing in history without ever making impression in the sands of age or experiencing expiration..

You live without death..

Live on

J.R.L.

The first one I met was just like me and in him I saw things that other girls ain't see.  We started out as best friends, chillin together all the time, but I had deeper thoughts runnin through my mind.  He walked with me one night even though I was already close to home, I don't know how he was feelin but I wanted to get him alone.  He reached around with a friendly hug, his arms laid close around my hips, then I did what he never expected and kissed him on his beautiful lips.  WOW! was the expression on this boy's face, and then he called me up and asked me out when he got back to his place.  He never knew I liked him, that's something he would've never thought of, but from that moment on he was mine and I was his first love.  Five months or so the first time, but break ups and make ups add up to bout a year.  But we ended on a good note cause we still have a connection whether or not he's here.  Many times I reminisce about the times we spent together, but because of what him and I shared I will love him forever.

My First Time....

Everybody must remember their very first time...
that first intertwine...
that body on body...
mind focused on mind...
that mmmmm.
I definitely remember mine.
See it wasn't that romantically exquisite, intimate, candles lit,
it was me climbing on top taking it slowly, yet swiftly
at the tender age of 13.
Yea....me.
Exposed to sex prematurely I allowed the lust and his touch and his touch and his touch to consume me
Living by the motto "I'm just doin me" but realistically everybody was doin me
Shoot I was every man's best friend
Quick to lend a hand and fast to use my head
That...was me.
But look at me now
Not the sight you'd expect to see
Not pregnant, never burnt, nor infected with AIDs or HIV,
not raped, buried in the ground, prostituting or anything
Ya see cuz me...I'm blessed
All that mess was just a test and thankfully I've passed.
I've relinquished that temptation because I refuse to receive condemnation or damnation
 for satisfying some dude's need for ejaculation
That ain't me no more.
Go head and say it, "Danitra you was a whore"
Because I know that in the bible Hebrews 13:4, it says "God will judge"
And therefore I ain't worried none.
I've repented my sins and ain't relapsing again and for those of you that think I will...think again.

And for those of you out there still "doin you," I ain't mad at you, how could I be?...
It's just that one day I hope you've made it this far, and by the grace of God are proud enough to stand up and say...
Look at me.

Maybe...

Maybe it's not like that
Maybe it grew from a situation years ago that hurt the people that helped him grow
Maybe he really just doesn't know
...But I know, he listens
I know he tries to understand 
but i also know he is stubborn and his thoughts remain in demand
but one has to fall before one can stand
Maybe he just needed to make this one mistake
in order to realize what was truly at stake
Maybe I needed the hurt in order to stand the rain
Maybe I want him for reasons i can't explain 
but maybe he's finally tired of putting us thru pain
Either way whether it be me or her it will not happen again
No more hurt than what ive experienced can or will be inflicted 
Becuz thru the break in my heart that i felt i realized my feelings were restricted
My feelings...for myself
It is a relationship with me and only me that i need in order to succeed
No man, woman, nor object produced by the flesh can stop me in my tracks for
I will continue to proceed...thru the trials, thru the tears, thru the rain, ill fist fight the devil myself but
I WILL REIGN
Maybe a remnant of what was between us still remains
They say it aint over till the fat lady sangs
So maybe...it's not. maybe there's just been a change
Maybe there has been a change in him for i know there's been one in me
And with me not thru me maybe he can truly see...God
The Lord works in mysterious ways and it's crazy how my GOD can divide, in order to help me decide, whether or not that love was truly devine and then bring him back to me for me to pick him up when he feels as tho he's been denied. 
Maybe all this drama has just been to make us stronger so that i can truly have a real man on my side
Maybe he is meant to be mine
Maybe he's not and i should stop tryin
Maybe NOW is the time...
Time for me to make up my mind-
and stop sayin...
maybe

2/5/2010

I'll Wait

Many times God I've tried to fill your position with a worldly person that was not you
I placed all my faith into him and he placed of his into me
Unsuccessfully...because what we were trying to uphold was unGodly
And yet...with those thoughts beside me I failed to realize that one guy I needed was you
So...I continued to cry tear after tear not knowing why...but the answer was as simple as 2+2
You God...I needed you
You tested me and took away what i thought was best for me...
I thought I'd lost my other half but God your are the rest of me
All the pain i endured and time i spent weeping were just ingredients in your divine recipe
And now i know patience...
And now i know humility...
I find myself sitting back watching the clock tick-tock peacefully...
saying to my self I'll wait, I'll wait....
I'll wait for you God till eternity

Written June 11, 2010 at 12:26am