Rebirth

I'm going to start just sharing how I feel on here.

On Facebook, I posted a note about how I felt like I wasn't black.
It's about a month or so later and I can definitely say I'm feeling it now.

   Living in Chicago has been a new experience for me.  New but at the same time very familiar.  I grew up in the South Suburbs, got into my fair share of trouble, hung out with the "wrong" people, but lived a decent life.  I witnessed the police bein on bull with some of my friends, experienced them being of no help to me when I needed it, got followed in stores, all that good stuff and never argued with the fact that I was black.
   For some reason going to college changed everything.  Prior to college I had a lot more white friends...I don't think I hardly made any in college.  There was definite segregation.  Being involved in the black community and watching it transform, I began to separate myself from everyone.  I didn't want to be "black" anymore.
   Now when I say that, I don't mean it in the sense that I was ashamed of my race, or where I came from, or that I wanted to change anything at all about who I am/was.  I just didn't want to be herded into a group or be generalized.  I get upset when people talk about women as though we're all the same too, and that's how I felt.  We're all individuals and I couldn't bring myself to carry the same concerns or to be focused on the same trends as everyone else unless I believed in them or cared for them.  But everything was becoming the same.  Black people were trapping themselves in a place where there was so much diversity and knowledge to be gained.  I still struggle with it but....I've definitely grown to appreciate all the differences within black culture and outside of our culture...and also not speak as though I don't understand because I do understand.  We are all different, come from different places and ave different struggles.
At the end of the day I am black.
Black Lives Matter
There are a lot of black people that don't do ish.
There are lot of geniuses in the black community.
There are a lot of people that look at being black as a problem...
I didn't want to be black because we were becoming the problem.
But I'm proud to be black because how I represent myself....although small in comparison to the larger community have the potential to change it.

(Here's my post from Facebook)

Honestly...

With everything that is going on, I'm going to finally address this...

I don't feel black.

Everyday I see #Blacklivesmatter and yes they do and yes they should but...
I don't even know how to define black culture.
Aside from naturally looking different, our music, and maybe some of our homecookin...I don't know what else it is
Maybe because I grew up with white friends
Listened to "white people" music
And only knew about being black from school.
I didn't really watch TV...
Pretty much only heard the music that was played on the radio.
But I didn't see color.
I still don't.
I see people and people with issues.
People who discriminate and are racist, angry, ignorant, selfish, impatient, misinformed, misguided, and need help.
White people.
Black people.
All people.
Most issues being faced today require and effect all people.
I'm sorry but I do not have faith that the black population will come together and make their situation...our situation...better.
Are they able to? Yes.
Black people, whenever there is community, are capable of transgressing as history has shown.
But history has also shown us how often that that has occurred.
The blame can't be entirely on everybody else because
meanwhile, with blacks lacking consistent unification...
those Jim Crow laws have undergone transformation and are lowkey running this entire nation.
It's more than police brutality
Ya'll think this stuff just started happening
Folks die everyday.
The media has been and is still controlling what you see...
Most folks out here are motivated by rage and anger because of it
Why not just be motivated by the right to be free?
To be a human being?
To breathe.
I can't breathe by having to identify as black on everything...but maybe that's just me.
I don't know enough about my heritage to comfortably claim anything.
I'm still learning.
While doing that I'm fighting for what I feel is right and speaking against what I feel is wrong, but last I checked right and wrong wasn't divided racially.
Ya know...I think I'm Native American actually and African American secondly, but I was born in Germany so I could even argue that as my nationality.
What really does any of it mean?
It's just an easy way for someone else to define me...
even though who raised us and where we grew up more accurately display who we're going to be.

Honestly though...
I'm sorry
this is just stuff I needed to get off my chest....
this is stuff that I believe.
I feel lost.
Stuck in the midst of all this chaos.
But it's not new to me.
I just don't understand why,
if we want to be treated equal,
that we don't remove the adjectives
and just be people.

     

February 18, 2015 @ work

Painted as weak but close to invincible.
Torn down, beaten, neglected, and abused...
but indestructible.
Strong enough to make others believe
But weak enough to crumble with a single touch
A beautiful flower - now withered,
but still rooted in hopes of rebirth.
Potential defined.
Lost...
Confused...
Denied the opportunity to experience life...
To grow...
To just be...
Some there's no saving....trying to find themselves...
wandering aimlessly...refusing help...ready to give up.
For them it's hard to hope
In them it's hard to believe
But change is unpredictable, always attainable, and infinite in its existence when someone reaches deep within them-self or decides to reach out.
To Believe....

Love Haiku

I know I'm in love
When someone supports my dreams
By making them real

Barricaded

These keys hold freedom in their possession.
They lock in the depressed and are the source of my oppression,
I spend 40 plus hours a week redirecting
and trying to give people hope
in a place that sees no purpose in perpetuating progression
but rather making money off of special kids who need help dealing with life lessons
....these keys are weapons.
Harming to those that hold them and painful to those left behind because when the door to the outside closes it's magnetized, and both sides realize that this barricade exists not only physically but also in their minds.
..mine saying...
how could you?
Make these kids slaves, lock them up like they're caged, call them by patients and problems instead of by their names while the other side in their mind says...
I'm never leaving this place,
I'm tired of seeing the same faces, but I want to know what it's like, I need some space...
is this what my whole life will be like?
Keys open doors.
who is holding the key to yours?
the key to your life...
the keys to your home...???

Life

Abuse and accusations from so called accidents
Business, bravery, babies born, and blood shed
Cultures converged collectively as one
Death from all different direction, with dishonesty, and disgrace to be dismissed
Evil things and deeds on this place we call Earth with little ecstatic energy
Families, friends, and fake followers with fiery and furious facades
Good, gracious, and sometimes greedy feelings gather inside of me
Humor, hiding, and hateful messages heard here and there
Intelligent individuals interested in improving imperfection.
Jealousy and joy through a living journey
Kind kinfolk keeping me safe and happy
Love and lies, a long learning experience
Music and media are many masterpieces/massacres made by man
Negative news throughout the nation a natural nuisance to my ears
Overly ostracized from the inside to the outdoors
Proud people full of plenty personality, sometimes too much and it's a pity
Quite a couple quarrels quashed quietly and completely
Relentless, rowdy, and ruthless behavior from wrong doing teens
Sorrow, salvaging, surprises and sports are things found under our sky
Tinkles of turmoil, terror, and treachery throughout this world trapped in a twilight zone
United States we live in under a God to whom we pledge though we are unusually unconcerned for each other we still say we're as one
Very valuable, vivacious, and timid our lives should be varnished and revived
Wishing, wondering, waiting to be welcome in the world
X-rays should be enhanced so we can look into our lives and realize that we may fall and we may rise
Yesterday will never come again so make yours live till today
Zooming through our lives can make us miss our zeniths so we should make them zesty

*written by my 8th grade self*

Arts

Different ways to express feelings and emotions
Through music, acting, singing, drawing, writing, and speaking.
All these things bring happiness, sadness, and many thoughts
Art is a part of all of our lives.
As human beings we are art.
Art is everything.

R. M. S. (For my bestfriend)

Reggie is his real name, I don't call him that though

Maurice is his middle name, that is what he goes by

Silly, strange, and extremely special, that explains
                   Why he acts so stupid

D. R. P.

Danitra is devoted, determined, and distinguishable
Reliable, Respectful, yet rowdy she really is
Positive, proud, and full of pride
Poetically perfect in every way

PLEASE SUPPORT #RT #RT "This is the Dedication Page of my book"

I dedicate this book to myself.
The reason why I chose this dedication was
that I've done a lot for myself.  I've never
turned my back on me and I lived my life.
No one else lived my life for me, made my decisions,
influenced, or wrote this book.  I did it
all, that's why I dedicate this book to me.

Sexy Brown Eyes Vlog-Blog

Sexy Brown Eyes

He's a nice guy...sexy brown eyes...and I realized he's eyeing me constantly.  I must be out my mind, on a trip, while he slowly licks his lips.  I think about the song "I dip, you dip, we dip," but then we strip and then we both be naked - nude - standing side by side but acting prude.  We both know what we could do or be doing, we're both thinkin' "Me and you <3" and...the many ways to put it in....slow motion not fast, but romantically exotic; feelin' higher than the weedhead who lives and breathes the chronic. " Isn't it ironic, don't you think?" that we met this way when just the other other day, I began to say, "It's over, I give up! My life, I can no longer live it up!"  But that's what's up, cuz you...you came through and made me do what and now it's me and you, my new boo =).  The only one that makes me scream, makes me cream, and that is only in my dreams.  I'm thinkin' one day you'll get in between my sheets, not talkin' paper, I'm a lyrical love raper, never let my love taper.  Taking advantage of it, handle of it...but not sure if you can manage it, don't damage it.  My heart is weak.  You leave me with no words to speak call me a little geek.  Cuz I study you baby, your mind and what you do baby, just basically all of you lately you got me goin' too crazy because your body's bangin', got my bottom jaw a hangin', and I know you keeps it swangin', and you make me feel like sangin', but NOT like the Snickers guy.  I'm not even gonna lie, you my caramel, nuts, and nougat; hunger only you can satisify.  I tell them other dudes don't try cuz like Talib Kweli, I need you just to get by.  Just start this ish off, step to me, and say hi =D!!!!! *waves and smiles*

For Jonylah...[the vigil] 3-14-2013

First thank you to the lovely men of Omega Psi Phi Fraternity, Inc. for hosting this vigil, your hearts were seen and heard, and these words were never meant to offend, but to inspire. #LovePeaceProgression 

I'm not gonna ask why this happened because I don't know how many more tears I can cry for questions with no answers.  We stand here unified but with the unsettling realization that our silence, this moment of silence will be unheard.  Why is it that we wait for things like this t happen in order to notice that things aren't right?  Ignorance is eradicating innocence and negligence holds all relevance in today's society.  How are we so blind when God has granted us the ability to witness so many times?  Lord knows that Chicago has seen enough people die and on a larger scale: 9/11, Sandy Hook, Virginia Tech, Colorado, and Columbine.  How do we not see those clear cut signs that there's something wrong with us?  I say us because of where we are now.  If it didn't have something to do with us, well then why are we here standing around?  It's because it does.  I'm related to a person who just last year murdered her two year old son.  It's 18 days prior to the one year anniversary and we're here having a vigil for an infant who died by the gun.  Shot 5 times they say...but now what can we do?  My only answer would be to pray.  There's no point in asking why, how, or who...People that commit crimes like these are sick and in my stomach create a feeling that's nauseous but to me they're no worse than me or you because believe it or not several of them know not what they do.  I do my best not to judge cuz that's what the bible says NOT to do, but most of us would feel better if the people that committed these crimes just dies too.  Don't you see that solves nothing?  Don't you see that we need to take action and actually do something?  Something more than just this, no offense but I doubt us standing here in the cold, candles lit, and mouths closed is making much difference.  We need to start rebuilding and reconstructing our beliefs.  We need to learn that love, the first and greatest commandment, actually can conquer everything.  If people received enough love they wouldn't wanna be in the streets, if they received positive reinforcement rather than conflict with police enforcers what reason would there be to pack heat?  If gangs respected each other when they crossed territorial lines, there wouldn't be collisions when they meet.  If we got up and raised our fists altogether there would be no declaration of defeat.  And I refuse to lose so I'm here telling you...WE have the power to change things, not by casting fake sorrows and temporary tears but by making the conscious effort to stop blaming, to stop hating, and to start loving one another again.  The only question that I stand here willing to ask is...when?  But for now, let's bow our heads....close our eyes...and prepare to say Amen.

4.24.13 - 12:21am

When I write I aim to capture the ears of the deaf and the eyes of the blind, to change a life one word at a time...if this world were mine I would rewrite history in a way that speaks uniquely to each and every individual mind.  But in a way of which they understand that I'm only here trying to help guide them, to help arrive them at a place not by mistake, but a place where they can realize that they're the authors of their own fate.  They just need to seek knowledge or find someone who's willing to translate.  Create conjunctions out of malfunctions and make sentences out of senselessness to write a novel about perfection and all of its censorship.  Not masking our errors or deciding what's fair or disguising the things that provide our most obvious perceptions.  Redirection is key and I just hope that one day I may prescribe you with the right lens to correct your astigmatisms and speak so loudly that people's ears ring...and the only thing they hear becomes their pulses's rhythm.  Then...with the right timing, I hope that one day I may change the entire world with my writing.

...Poem #2 [DISCLAIMER: I like to write using metaphors for things more meaningful] - 6/26

I love the way you snatch me out of my place of resting and excite me...grabbing me firmly and not letting go until you get what you want out of me.  Sometimes I feel like you're using me but I'm usually down for doing whatever you wanna do.  You slap my backside to punish me for not doing what I'm told - for running away and trying to escape your hold - for not submitting myself to you.  You try to force all of yourself on me or in me and although the thought of you controlling me is pleasing...I can't help but fear.  There is a satisfying pain in the strength that you have but what happens if I continue to make you mad? Will you strike me?  I mean it's rough nightly but sometimes I just want you to love me more politely.  But what would it then feel like - would that be real life?  I don't think so...You can't change without friction and so this painful affliction I endure with you...I'm more than happy to.  Because...you're helping me grow and one day I can hopefully show you that I like it rough - and I don't mind an occasional hard tap or grab - I'll take all of you in and in doing so be glad.