Brick

I refuse to let you kill me
Wounded and scarred...
Bounded and bruised...
I'm too strong
Watch me fight back watch me claw
Get mauled

PEOPLE!

Transparency

I'm becoming too emotional...

it's okay that I show a little bit of vulnerability but I can't bare it all.  I have to try and convince myself that I don't care at all when really...I do...And I want to. I want to make moments last more than just minutes, more than just hours, more than just months...I want them to be infinite...time suspended.  But no...you have to go, you have to leave, you never stay.  God just didn't write the story that way and I've accepted it.  I accept the fact that my fairy tale may conclude with just I and my king...no Prince Charming and no manifestation of my dreams. But I'm still emotional about it.  I'm unable to say that I don't fantasize or get lost in my mind sometimes where those memories rewind and cause a few tears to fall from my eyes. I don't know what I'm feeling.  But I know there's healing.  There was for them and I know there will be for me.  Right now I just can't see.  Blinded by my emotions just waiting for love to find me...to hold me...to surround me...to be vulnerable with me so that I can bare it all and just be emotionally free

March 16, 2011

There have been countless times that I've been told "I love you..."
That same amount were lies.
Numerous nights I've been forced to wipe tears from my eyes but I always go back.
I always go back to the hurt...
I always go back to the heartache...
I always go back to the pain...
it pulls me back, I'm attached, like a fixture, like an immovable structure...a monument...
because throughout time the story I tell remains the same.
He loves me, he loves me not, he leaves me now me is all I got, time and time again.
Addicted to this game...think I'm winning but I lose.
But that's what I choose to do...
I place myself in these positions...it's an illness that can't be fixed with prescriptions.
It's an addiction.
Without this false sense of security I find in most men...I shake, I tremble, I can't breathe.
I'm trying to stay with him but it's way passed my time to leave.
I want to be free but... I can't.
I'll never change.
Addicted to the hurt, addicted to the game, I'm addicted to heartache, I'm addicted to pain.

How I'm Feeling...(a haiku)

I'm numb to the world

I can not feel anything

Nope...nothing at all

****FEATURE****A Letter From Son to Mother...

I will read your clues in due time... but in the meantime i really need you to give me my space... i also need you to speak to me like a human being when you ask me to do something instead of yelling. maybe ask a friend to speak if you cant u the gumption to actually explain why you are behaving in the way that you are and your direction for my life.

I have seen many things that you haven't. And vice versa. You have to acknowledge that many of these viewpoints have taken hold just like your fears have done for you. For example. your fear of dogs and weed. I was convinced that these things would tear me apart just like they allegedly did you. But when I got to college these fears naturally drifted away as my peers convinced me that they were truly rubbish. You're not going to always like what I do. But you have to accept it or your very presence in my life will be misconstrued and eventually neutralized to your detriment.

I know you care but worry isn't going to help. Instead of threatening you should let me find out the hard way. I need advice rather than a tight gripping hand. If you let the world beat me than you then we can both succeed because success is written into my plans automatically. If what I deem as success goes along the path that you map out then I will comply. If not I will ignore you.

Doo Doo Danitra (3D)

As I approached the finish line

I just knew a solid 2nd place was mine
I probably could have got #1
But something mushy leaked from my bum
How could this happen when I'm about to graduate
Why did I run and hold it in when I knew it was too late
I laughed so much I almost cried
There was no reason not to, it wasn't something I could hide
So I gathered my belonging and walked to leave the meet
But when I was walking it all sank to my feet...

Yup....I pooped on myself in 8th grade.  Hands down most embarrassing moment of my life.
My name went from Danitra Pope to Danitra Poop instantly...

*logs off and hangs head in shame*

Maybe...

Maybe it's not like that
Maybe it grew from a situation years ago that hurt the people that helped him grow
Maybe he really just doesn't know
...But I know, he listens
I know he tries to understand 
but i also know he is stubborn and his thoughts remain in demand
but one has to fall before one can stand
Maybe he just needed to make this one mistake
in order to realize what was truly at stake
Maybe I needed the hurt in order to stand the rain
Maybe I want him for reasons i can't explain 
but maybe he's finally tired of putting us thru pain
Either way whether it be me or her it will not happen again
No more hurt than what ive experienced can or will be inflicted 
Becuz thru the break in my heart that i felt i realized my feelings were restricted
My feelings...for myself
It is a relationship with me and only me that i need in order to succeed
No man, woman, nor object produced by the flesh can stop me in my tracks for
I will continue to proceed...thru the trials, thru the tears, thru the rain, ill fist fight the devil myself but
I WILL REIGN
Maybe a remnant of what was between us still remains
They say it aint over till the fat lady sangs
So maybe...it's not. maybe there's just been a change
Maybe there has been a change in him for i know there's been one in me
And with me not thru me maybe he can truly see...God
The Lord works in mysterious ways and it's crazy how my GOD can divide, in order to help me decide, whether or not that love was truly devine and then bring him back to me for me to pick him up when he feels as tho he's been denied. 
Maybe all this drama has just been to make us stronger so that i can truly have a real man on my side
Maybe he is meant to be mine
Maybe he's not and i should stop tryin
Maybe NOW is the time...
Time for me to make up my mind-
and stop sayin...
maybe

2/5/2010

(the night of) 9-9-09

My eyes overflow with tears constantly. i'm the diamond in the rough but nobody can seem to dig me out. they give up, and i'm left stuck...drowning in the puddles which my tears have pitter pattered on my pillows. sheltered only by darkness, which isn't a safe place at all. In the dark is where the bad things crawl. the negative thoughts, the pessimism, the anger, the confusion, and the downfall. All because of you. i'm left alone...to fend for myself, to live solely for myself, to love me and nobody else. You've extinguished the flame within me. My heart is ice now. Though it has the capability to melt it also is capable of being broken numerous times. shattering into lots of little pieces but never going back to its original state. i really don't kno what else to say or what i just said. i'm just writing...the only thing that can't steal my joy away, break my heart, or strand me and make me lonely. My outlet to express my emotions which u couldn't handle and what it seems u barely possessed now i'm a mess. The tears stopped flowing, but this pain i feel....this pain, is forever.

(the mornin after...)

Sealed shut by the secretion of pain from my eyes
I can't see. I can't show my face. Swollen by hurt.
I wake up just to find the same tears rolling down my cheek
I thought it was a nightmare
and that when i woke i would still be living like the princess of a fairytale
But i was wrong...
my face feels disfigured and my heart is torn
i'm scarred to the bone, lost, afraid, and alone.
How can i explain it to my royal subjects?
I guess i'll say "I....so satisfied and high upon my throne have fallen, have gone from the top to barely rock bottom. I've been pushed out of that high seat and now i'm crawlin for scraps, tryna keep my mind right but the time for that has elapsed. I'm goin crazy, not sane but insanely. Sickly in the heart and in the mind, thought u were one of a kind but u broke me. You've killed me internally and you didn't even choke me. You let me go and you let...me...down. My prince with whom i shared the crown has let...me...down, with no safety net or harness you let...me...down. Nobody to catch me, nobody to hold me you let...me...down. Nobody to turn to, nobody to love me, nobody to run to whatever my needs b you let...me...down. And u may as well not even search for me on the ground because i'm under, i'm buried by my sorrows, resting in the darkness, waitin for a smile, but i don't think i will find one. I think time is just up for me and love and im done tryin. I don't think i will ever stop cryin..." 

I Get Around

How many times have you screamed at God or cried out to him? How many times have you thanked him? How many times have you told him that you loved him? How many more to come?

Life cycles and we find ourselves back in the same places, same situations, and surrounded by similar faces...but do we approach them with patience, ignorant frustration, or crumbling devastation. We have to stay strong. We live, we learn, we grow. Just know that no matter which way you go, chances are you'll end up back at ground zero.
But.... that's where you start to build, you need a foundation and plans focused on resurrection. However, if you fail or feel a little loss, by continuing to follow him, you'll be led in the right direction.

Love, Peace, & Progression

Class of 2014- This is for You....

You have to click the link to see the actual post...sorry =/ My Speech at Last Year's Black Congratulatory

My Dedication to the Class of 2013 at Black Congratulatory last year.  Class of 2014 and classes to come, the message applies to you too.  CONGRATULATIONS EVERYONE!!!!!!! #KNOCK #LovePeaceProgression #PS #MoreToCome #EverythingIsGr8