Mirror Work

Sometimes you just have to face the facts.
Admit to yourself that you messed up,
that you let yourself down,
that you can't blame anyone but yourself,
that you made the decision!

But also that you're human...

We all do it.
Own up to it.
You'll be forgiven by those that really love you.

Proximity

Love is a desire for the unknown Wanting what you fear Knowing nothing but understanding everything Love is faith. And it seems as though it's brought me to this place of intimidation...A junction. But I turn away. Ignoring the fact that there are only two different paths I can take. There's the path where love gives and there's the path where love takes but those are kinda one in the same which is why I'm thinking in my mind it's best to stay in the middle lane actually not the middle lane but riding on the median trying to find a happy medium between pleasure and pain but I'm leaning towards the easy lane, the one that's right that my drive just kinda shifts towards due to the alignment if you're getting what I'm saying. Understanding that I only believe in one love and that's the love that's most demanding...the one that proceeds to break me down when I'm at my strongest then build me up. The one I don't have to wait on to grow up. The one that helps to grow me when the times are tough. What I need. Well...what I feel like I need and what will no doubt satisfy me. But this is territory unknown and the only time the ground is lit is when we're distant...we'll see what happens when we come close.

My thoughts...

I hope I get a window seat...then maybe I'll see you in the clouds. Angelic, pure, serene....The definition of love. Your physical pain was minor in comparison to the amount of pain inflicted by the people closest to you...The ones that didn't fully know you...The ones that didn't know love enough to know the need to love one another. I pray they know now...We're family...when my great grandpa died I watched as we screamed at each other and fought the day after. How ridiculous is that? How selfish can we be?...I just hope things change. I'm thankful that you knew I loved you, even if that was from afar. Great Grandma...I love you even if it is from afar. Family...I love you, even if it is from afar...just know that distance is determined by our ability to communicate

To a part of my heart...

With there being an us I didn't see a reason for just I.  I disregarded all feelings I should have possessed for myself and let me die.  Self mutilation led to my destruction. I was unable to feel the pain even as tears fell from my eyes and I was hurting because I refused to look in the mirror and see what scars had been left on me even tho i knew only magic mirrors could show what was inside.  i chose not to spend any time reflecting on the fact that the image of me was beautiful because once I realized that Snow White was the fairest Of them all i just knew that beautiful was something I could never be.  That is what I believed and therefore there was no going back for me.  Mentally I was trained to see myself as nothing physically and thus gave myself freely all the while suffering subconsciously while on the surface there was rising satisfaction in a life I was living lustfully, enjoying my ignorance and neglecting my necessities in order to provide pleasure to ppl at random taking pride in the ecstasies i provided them instantly, confidently stating that anyone could confide in me sexually and my ability to feed the needs of everyone but me i.e. I was thanking everybody and no one had to say please because I loved to do these things and I thought that by doing them that they would make me love me.  But making love is faking cuz nobody even made love to give birth to me, i mean if they did wouldn't it be something that I could still see.  The only things that are made are tangible things and last time I checked I ain't never felt love all over me but best believe I tried. I tried...to love you the best I knew how, and at this point I'm sure you can see that what I knew was nothing.  I thought that I was loving.  I wanted you to have my everything, I wanted to wear that wedding ring, I wanted you to marry me, but I failed us both cuz I expected you to carry me.  I expected you to be strong and know that I was weak, I expected you to know what I was going to say and for me to not have to even speak.  I expected you to say that we can wait and that you'd wait for me eternally but temptation came in and reality set in and I saw that you were just another human being and this love thing was not just something that got passed from person to person sexually even tho I was positive that I loved you and that you did indeed love me.  But because my definition of love was skewed I saw other ppl that deserved loving and that I knew would show me love as I perceived it to be.  I broke us because I was trying to please me and the route that we were headed I was afraid would be saddening and ultimately because I said I loved you not even knowing what love means.  But now...I'm ready because I've identified the only one that's loved me  all the way from the beginning.  He created you and me and gave us everything, all the tools that we'd be needing as we struggled through these lives that we're yet and still treading.  I know what love is now after seeing that He continues to bless me even after the smoking, the drinking, the lying, and the sexing.  Even though I thought I knew everything he taught me thru his word and life lessons that there was still room for bettering that I could not doing anything till I humbled myself and paid attention to the red lettering and what Jesus had said to me.  Darkness does not exist for people that follow me said he and I knew that it was time for me to adjust my lighting and see God shining, growing me and showing me what love is with a why that has no need for defining.  He led me back to you I did not pick the timing.  I was actually minding my own business.  Goin to church, reading, praying, trying to be a better Christian when suddenly I was told to just go and was subsequently asked..,why are you waiting.  So now I'm here, and I'm saying I love you, before I didn't know what it meant but now I do.  And you'll see it without me even needing to say it because my love for Him will always exceed my love for you. And I think he knows that too, I feel like that's the only reason that he's brought me back to you.  Sorry for everything, I know you forgave me but this time I forgive me too cuz I know that God will always love us even though he won't always love what we do, and even more so he doesn't get mad at you for doing the wrong things when the right things you don't know how to...but now that I'm aware and i understand what love is I am being held fully accountable for all that I do.  We can continue to show our friends, families, and the world God's love together but only if you want to...however...regardless of your decision, I will always love me and of course Romel Du'ane Moore II , I will always love you. 

Missed Carriage by: Sean Vinson ***FEATURE***

My Jade..

"A smooth caramel complexion..

Almond eyes, small in size..

Gorgeous smile..

The mind of an intellectual coupled with the passion of an poet inspired.."

This.. was my imagined architecture of your uncompromised structure that was to be in company within 9 months..

I dreamed of the nights when the slow creeking of my bedroom door

Would signal your otherwise silent presence

Maneuvering under the veil of your favorite blanky across the floor in search of refuge from the Boogeyman's reach..

Maybe I did get ahead of myself by falling behind the lines at Walmart

Collecting a full shopping cart for the "Back to School" sale..

I figured I'd get your Crayola half-price,

That way, your classmates wouldn't even have to ask twice

About your artistic capability that you were bound to possess

But then, my unborn princess

I recognized error in thought process......

I never considered the prospect of you being male

My young Kal-El..

"Heir to my throne and presider over reign

Bearer of legacy and carrier of name

Towering beacon of charisma and fortitude..

Respected AND Respectful.."

Counterfeit flash forward scenes displayed the sight of you catching your first pigskin pass

Followed by an accomplishing laugh that warmed my heart like a Snuggie

My Princess..

My Young Hero..

I.. I love you

I love you though I was never given chance to hold you within the grip of my arms..

Never gifted opportunity to customize bedside tales for your ears only

Never granted fortune.. of fatherhood..

I shed a pint of tears every night I hear silence in place of your voices..

Poorly made choices interrupted the awaiting, weighted rejoices that would come attached to your arrival..

Your survival.. inhibited by annexed inhibitions

Result of poor nutrition of a relationship craving nourishment

We dropped the gifts that heaven sent and I can only pray God forgives us..

Ironically, your unlived life will outlive us..

My Princess..

My Young Hero..

You already have obtained what we so desperately yearn for..

Significance in time forever

Existing in history without ever making impression in the sands of age or experiencing expiration..

You live without death..

Live on

My First Time....

Everybody must remember their very first time...
that first intertwine...
that body on body...
mind focused on mind...
that mmmmm.
I definitely remember mine.
See it wasn't that romantically exquisite, intimate, candles lit,
it was me climbing on top taking it slowly, yet swiftly
at the tender age of 13.
Yea....me.
Exposed to sex prematurely I allowed the lust and his touch and his touch and his touch to consume me
Living by the motto "I'm just doin me" but realistically everybody was doin me
Shoot I was every man's best friend
Quick to lend a hand and fast to use my head
That...was me.
But look at me now
Not the sight you'd expect to see
Not pregnant, never burnt, nor infected with AIDs or HIV,
not raped, buried in the ground, prostituting or anything
Ya see cuz me...I'm blessed
All that mess was just a test and thankfully I've passed.
I've relinquished that temptation because I refuse to receive condemnation or damnation
 for satisfying some dude's need for ejaculation
That ain't me no more.
Go head and say it, "Danitra you was a whore"
Because I know that in the bible Hebrews 13:4, it says "God will judge"
And therefore I ain't worried none.
I've repented my sins and ain't relapsing again and for those of you that think I will...think again.

And for those of you out there still "doin you," I ain't mad at you, how could I be?...
It's just that one day I hope you've made it this far, and by the grace of God are proud enough to stand up and say...
Look at me.

Maybe...

Maybe it's not like that
Maybe it grew from a situation years ago that hurt the people that helped him grow
Maybe he really just doesn't know
...But I know, he listens
I know he tries to understand 
but i also know he is stubborn and his thoughts remain in demand
but one has to fall before one can stand
Maybe he just needed to make this one mistake
in order to realize what was truly at stake
Maybe I needed the hurt in order to stand the rain
Maybe I want him for reasons i can't explain 
but maybe he's finally tired of putting us thru pain
Either way whether it be me or her it will not happen again
No more hurt than what ive experienced can or will be inflicted 
Becuz thru the break in my heart that i felt i realized my feelings were restricted
My feelings...for myself
It is a relationship with me and only me that i need in order to succeed
No man, woman, nor object produced by the flesh can stop me in my tracks for
I will continue to proceed...thru the trials, thru the tears, thru the rain, ill fist fight the devil myself but
I WILL REIGN
Maybe a remnant of what was between us still remains
They say it aint over till the fat lady sangs
So maybe...it's not. maybe there's just been a change
Maybe there has been a change in him for i know there's been one in me
And with me not thru me maybe he can truly see...God
The Lord works in mysterious ways and it's crazy how my GOD can divide, in order to help me decide, whether or not that love was truly devine and then bring him back to me for me to pick him up when he feels as tho he's been denied. 
Maybe all this drama has just been to make us stronger so that i can truly have a real man on my side
Maybe he is meant to be mine
Maybe he's not and i should stop tryin
Maybe NOW is the time...
Time for me to make up my mind-
and stop sayin...
maybe

2/5/2010

Living in Denial

We take the moments we have for granted and choose not to grab from them. To take away the things that drew us to them seems like a waste, when if we could place ourselves in the same shoes we were in when we were in those situations... things would be different.  In those places we have the want to remain but hate to admit it in the present day because it reminds us of our flaws, reminds us of our pain, reinforces our reality, the mundane day to day.  We're afraid to challenge ourselves and show our faith.  Afraid to be alone, we're afraid of leaving those we're with because it may make us seem selfish when really you're doing everyone a favor by just being honest.  You insult, place blame, point fingers, and call others out of their name because you're stuck.  You messed up.  You have to live with fact that you chose to eff yourself by denying yourself and lying to yourself about what it is you really wanted and still think about a good chunk of the time.  And it hurts for me to see you feel this way, it hurts that you choose to inflict this pain when cure has been given.  You're free.  But you choose not to be and psychologically place yourself in a box consumed by your thoughts.  I just want you to step out of that.  I can deal with the disgrace and lies you tell people because despite the mask you wear I see the real face.  Underneath the facade I see you about to suffocate, you're literally killing yourself.  You're letting your life waste away...but that's what happens when you let all your tomorrows remind you of your yesterdays, instead of doing what's best for you and living for today.

Questions

Would we all look the same if we never learned to tame our NATURAL ways? 
Maybe not the same but similar, surrounded by faces that look FAMILIAR.
If we were hunters and gatherers for all of our lives, would no one fall victim to the super-sized….would we all be HEALTHY? 
If we never created money would we all be WEALTHY? 
If no languages were created, how then would things be communicated?
If there were no schools would we all be fools? 
If we had no names wouldn’t we all be the same? 
And wouldn’t that make sense? 
BORN in iniquity yet EQUAL cuz we’re shaped in his image

What We Are

I can't help but notice that every time we're together it's storming...

See any couple can say that when they're with their significant other there's not a cloud in the sky,

that the sun shines high, and it's the perfect weather.

But it takes somethin' special to bring the storm out.  

Only a real connection can cause the moon to hide behind the clouds, the stars to fall from the sky, and the galaxy to cry ...and that's what we have.

even when we're not physically near each other there's a flash and a boom 'cause we're striking one another

no not hittin' or slapping but we're lightning...lightin' up with one another

gettin' high off one another

gazing upon the other's face...just to get by from one day to the other

we are thunderous, a force to be reckoned with shaking the world 

Startling them into uncertainty because we make it seem like the earth is quaking

We're powerful.  Overwhelming like a flood.

We're a storm.  Beautiful to watch but dangerous when you try to intervene, 

so know that nothing can come between 

and notice that every time we're together...it's storming

Written April 11, 2011 at 3:14am

For Jonylah...[the vigil] 3-14-2013

First thank you to the lovely men of Omega Psi Phi Fraternity, Inc. for hosting this vigil, your hearts were seen and heard, and these words were never meant to offend, but to inspire. #LovePeaceProgression 

I'm not gonna ask why this happened because I don't know how many more tears I can cry for questions with no answers.  We stand here unified but with the unsettling realization that our silence, this moment of silence will be unheard.  Why is it that we wait for things like this t happen in order to notice that things aren't right?  Ignorance is eradicating innocence and negligence holds all relevance in today's society.  How are we so blind when God has granted us the ability to witness so many times?  Lord knows that Chicago has seen enough people die and on a larger scale: 9/11, Sandy Hook, Virginia Tech, Colorado, and Columbine.  How do we not see those clear cut signs that there's something wrong with us?  I say us because of where we are now.  If it didn't have something to do with us, well then why are we here standing around?  It's because it does.  I'm related to a person who just last year murdered her two year old son.  It's 18 days prior to the one year anniversary and we're here having a vigil for an infant who died by the gun.  Shot 5 times they say...but now what can we do?  My only answer would be to pray.  There's no point in asking why, how, or who...People that commit crimes like these are sick and in my stomach create a feeling that's nauseous but to me they're no worse than me or you because believe it or not several of them know not what they do.  I do my best not to judge cuz that's what the bible says NOT to do, but most of us would feel better if the people that committed these crimes just dies too.  Don't you see that solves nothing?  Don't you see that we need to take action and actually do something?  Something more than just this, no offense but I doubt us standing here in the cold, candles lit, and mouths closed is making much difference.  We need to start rebuilding and reconstructing our beliefs.  We need to learn that love, the first and greatest commandment, actually can conquer everything.  If people received enough love they wouldn't wanna be in the streets, if they received positive reinforcement rather than conflict with police enforcers what reason would there be to pack heat?  If gangs respected each other when they crossed territorial lines, there wouldn't be collisions when they meet.  If we got up and raised our fists altogether there would be no declaration of defeat.  And I refuse to lose so I'm here telling you...WE have the power to change things, not by casting fake sorrows and temporary tears but by making the conscious effort to stop blaming, to stop hating, and to start loving one another again.  The only question that I stand here willing to ask is...when?  But for now, let's bow our heads....close our eyes...and prepare to say Amen.

4.24.13 - 12:21am

When I write I aim to capture the ears of the deaf and the eyes of the blind, to change a life one word at a time...if this world were mine I would rewrite history in a way that speaks uniquely to each and every individual mind.  But in a way of which they understand that I'm only here trying to help guide them, to help arrive them at a place not by mistake, but a place where they can realize that they're the authors of their own fate.  They just need to seek knowledge or find someone who's willing to translate.  Create conjunctions out of malfunctions and make sentences out of senselessness to write a novel about perfection and all of its censorship.  Not masking our errors or deciding what's fair or disguising the things that provide our most obvious perceptions.  Redirection is key and I just hope that one day I may prescribe you with the right lens to correct your astigmatisms and speak so loudly that people's ears ring...and the only thing they hear becomes their pulses's rhythm.  Then...with the right timing, I hope that one day I may change the entire world with my writing.

...Poem #2 [DISCLAIMER: I like to write using metaphors for things more meaningful] - 6/26

I love the way you snatch me out of my place of resting and excite me...grabbing me firmly and not letting go until you get what you want out of me.  Sometimes I feel like you're using me but I'm usually down for doing whatever you wanna do.  You slap my backside to punish me for not doing what I'm told - for running away and trying to escape your hold - for not submitting myself to you.  You try to force all of yourself on me or in me and although the thought of you controlling me is pleasing...I can't help but fear.  There is a satisfying pain in the strength that you have but what happens if I continue to make you mad? Will you strike me?  I mean it's rough nightly but sometimes I just want you to love me more politely.  But what would it then feel like - would that be real life?  I don't think so...You can't change without friction and so this painful affliction I endure with you...I'm more than happy to.  Because...you're helping me grow and one day I can hopefully show you that I like it rough - and I don't mind an occasional hard tap or grab - I'll take all of you in and in doing so be glad.

June 26th - Poem #1

I feel like I'm procrastinating when it comes to my progression.  The assignment that God has dealt me is just something I don't wanna turn in and I'm contemplating failing life's lessons.  It's crazy cuz it's not that I lack the knowledge or ability to get things done - it's just that my mind is encamped by my negligent wants to have fun- to turn up some - to let loose for a night but...it's never just one.  I'm gifted but I'm tempted by the pleasant taste of emptiness.  Not feeling too full to me is better than to be fed because when I'm fed there's no more reason for me to want things so I'm prolonging the process and pushing back my purpose while trying to persuade people to continually progress.  I'm a hypocrite.  Blocking myself from my betterment and the only interfering element is me.  I'm destined to succeed but right now successful is not a place I wanna be.  But the day is coming and it will only begin by me deciding to live out the life that God has already signed, sealed, and delivered to me through my writing.