Day Eleven

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I ain't stupid God.  You know that though.  You've built me from scraps of much rubble.  fallen pieces and fragments of something much larger.  You.  God you are bigger than all of us and none of this would be possible without you.  The choices we have to make in life are never easy.  Things can be hard, but they won't be for long.  You make it so that it's not.  I'm gon be alright alone or with you.  I'll only last so long by myself though without crying.  I'll survive.  I'll still live and work - but I'll feel empty doing it alone, or if I have no one to share it with.  But, I know that I have the world now.  I know that I was created to do big things.  Thank you God.

Love you
Peace =)

10.21.2015

10.21.2015

The last journal I had was full of nasty things.  I made note of the boys that noticed me and what I thought of them and what transpired among us.  My mom found it and that was the end of that.  My interactions with man/men have been so informative.  I've learned a lot from mistakes that have been made, words that haven't been said, and hurts that I've caused and endured.  People are so interesting.  Answers can lie in front of a person for years before that person decides to acknowledge them as correct.  But everything takes time and more importantly, patience.  My patience is growing thanks to God.  I have a greater sense of urgency, but I'm learning not to rush.  "Fate will unwind as it must..." I still love that quote, but - I also believe and accept it now.  God has a plan for my life and for the lives of those around me.  I just gotta pay attention and keep moving

Day Five - 10.18.2015

I want to stop typing these up and sharing them but that would just add to my list of incompletions.  I start things without finishing them a lot.  I finish things and I'm not satisfied with them a lot. But, I'm going to keep sharing these.  For those who don't know, (I stated in a previous post), I recently lost my mind.  These entries are from a time where I was unsure of a lot and still coming to terms with who I was and who I wanted to be just in general.  Therefore if they don't make sense, hopefully you can understand that I was in the process of making my life make sense...though it still doesn't...there's a new found peace in it.
Anyway...here's what I wrote the fifth day...  

10.18.2015

It's funny that I explain my relationship with my first love as consistently inconsistent.  I fall in and out of love all too often.  It never dawned on me...until now...that I fall in and out of my faith as well.  God can, will, and is making LIFE happen.  Whether it be good or bad in my eyes, it's been orchestrated or ordained by God.  I'm thankful for this realization.  This new hope and this new love.  LOL and I love how everything happens whether or not we want it to happen.  We're not in control of anything.  We have a choice but that is the choice of having one...or not...truly putting everything in God's hands and just living.  BUT listening, staying focused, and practicing patience.  Man...God is good =)

10-9-15 "I'm in love..."

10-9-15

I'm in love.  I woke up with a smile today.  I'm happy.  Not even knowing what the day is going to bring.  I'm excited about it.  I see myself in the future and the future is bright.  The possibilities are endless.  Anything I want, is already mine.  I don't have to look anymore.  I don't have to worry about what ifs.  I just have to keep listening and living.  My eyes have to stay open in order to see.  By having my eyes open, even those things that are invisible begin to manifest and become reality.  Dreams are tangible.  I've been waking up next to one for the past few days.  I never even saw it before.  And what's crazy about that is that it was right there for so long.  The decisions we make can impede us.  Life can catch us off guard if we let it...but we should always be expecting.  What- is not even a question because that doesn't matter.  Faith shows us that it's impossible to fail.  But in faith, we can't lead ourselves.  We don't have the final say.  We choose whether or not to accept it.  We choose whether or not we love.  We choose to live.

10-8-15

10-8-15

God... I think  know what you want me to do.  I keep stopping to think about what I want although I know you'll fulfill it and make a way.  When I was in Bloomington, I saw  a whole community built to do what I've always dreamed.  I have work to do.  My want for a relationship and a family is clouding my vision slightly - it is making it harder for me to see you.  In my dream last night, I saw so many people creating.  The only people that weren't were the ones distracted by each other.  I don't want to lose you anymore.  I don't want to worry or have questions.  I just want to live.
Have your way God...I don't know my destination.  I keep trying to choose and decide but that's for you to do God.  I'm glad that I can at least recognize that now.

Is the space you're in affecting you?

Is the space you're in affecting you?

I feel distant...Not close to anything familiar...lost. I once wrote...”I'm so lost don't know where I am going...left...right...nowhere. Blinded, can't see. Invisible can't feel...me.”

That's where I've been.

Every person, place, or thing I've known for 25 years...has all at once vanished. It's insane. And that's where I've gone...literally.

I'm currently awaiting psychological evaluation for the second time due to a few incidents I had recently. I've had far too many questions and not enough answers. I haven't sought answers to these questions because I believe there are none. But here lies the answer.

Writing....

Placing my thoughts on paper.

Me, myself, and I.

A great poet...a gifted writer...

Trapped in negative space. Uncomfortable space...but livable.

Trapped right where I need to be.

Writer's block

R.I.P.

#LovePeaceProgression

I just be writin.....

Chapter 1

I was in the fifth grade when I realized I was different. I was able to look at things and recognize what bothered me about people. If my vocabulary were more extensive at that age, words and phrases like materialistic, self-centered, ignorant, and misguided would have ran through my mind. But instead words like stupid and hoes filled my mouth.

Ignorance and intelligence are birthed at an early age, sometimes simultaneously.

The Cost of Education

We spend a lot of our time on this earth not knowing things. We live in order to seek out and find answers. Where we find those answers however, differ from person to person. It is very easy to worsen your situation by looking for answers in the wrong places. You begin justifying yourself as opposed to seeking justification. We as people come up with a million reasons as to why we do certain things or as to why things are the way that they are. Even though in reality, gaining knowledge and knowing the real reasons behind these things is much more cost efficient.

It's free to educate yourself. But people consistently choose to wrap their minds around the physical cost of education rather than how readily accessible it already is, with or without the money. People allow cost to deter them from being determined. We should be so determined to gain knowledge that we will do whatever it takes to obtain it. Schools are not the only place to learn and I don't think that school is for everybody. However, in order to succeed in the way that society defines, a school education necessary. Now, that doesn't mean that you can't be successful without school. You can change the world without ever going to school.

The things we experience in life and the situations we're placed in teach lessons, lessons that can't be taught in school. I see myself as intelligent not because I got good grades in school and not because I have a degree, but because I've learned from my mistakes and have grown as a person. With knowledge comes growth. It's impossible to learn and there not be growth in some fashion. We get older, we get wiser, and our overall capacity for knowledge is heightened. Nobody can take away your ability to educate yourself. We innately manufacture excuses as to why we do not excel when really there are none valid. Think about it. We're created to interact with each other and our environment. As soon as we're born we respond to our surroundings, we adapt, and we learn. If an infant, fresh out of the womb has the ability to educate his or herself, then what's stopping you?

Don't let society discourage you. Money doesn't matter, otherwise we would have been born with it. You have everything you need to get whatever you need. The only question you must pose is what don't you know, what do you want to know, what do you need to know, and what do you want to do with that knowledge? Do you want to be happy or do you want to be wealthy?

February 18, 2015 @ work

Painted as weak but close to invincible.
Torn down, beaten, neglected, and abused...
but indestructible.
Strong enough to make others believe
But weak enough to crumble with a single touch
A beautiful flower - now withered,
but still rooted in hopes of rebirth.
Potential defined.
Lost...
Confused...
Denied the opportunity to experience life...
To grow...
To just be...
Some there's no saving....trying to find themselves...
wandering aimlessly...refusing help...ready to give up.
For them it's hard to hope
In them it's hard to believe
But change is unpredictable, always attainable, and infinite in its existence when someone reaches deep within them-self or decides to reach out.
To Believe....

To dope...for this.

I'm the type of person that frees criminals because I see the imprisonment taking place in their mental state.
These people can't understand. They can't relate to common sense, they hate the world and fight in their own defense because they do not know true love.
They're not allowed to receive hugs...but they see that other people do.
They get kisses too.
But who wouldn't wanna wipe out the whole world by simply attacking our youth?
It's the lower class people that have parents who believe only white folks can b lethal and also anyone who points out that we are not all equals. That we are all different, we all have a deficit, we can't be equivalent, we're not positive people but we're the answer to this simple mathematical equation.
A negative and a negative equals more negative,...the cycle's repetitive.  So why not support the people that we define in our minds, probably because in our own minds we're held captive with the same strength we have to find freedom.

Simply reading,...but beyond just the letters and symbols and other physical representations.
Using our imaginations but creating the world we want to live in.
Every person, is a prisoner because who you are is within.
#PS #MoretoCome #LovePeaceProgressionLive

Proximity

Love is a desire for the unknown Wanting what you fear Knowing nothing but understanding everything Love is faith. And it seems as though it's brought me to this place of intimidation...A junction. But I turn away. Ignoring the fact that there are only two different paths I can take. There's the path where love gives and there's the path where love takes but those are kinda one in the same which is why I'm thinking in my mind it's best to stay in the middle lane actually not the middle lane but riding on the median trying to find a happy medium between pleasure and pain but I'm leaning towards the easy lane, the one that's right that my drive just kinda shifts towards due to the alignment if you're getting what I'm saying. Understanding that I only believe in one love and that's the love that's most demanding...the one that proceeds to break me down when I'm at my strongest then build me up. The one I don't have to wait on to grow up. The one that helps to grow me when the times are tough. What I need. Well...what I feel like I need and what will no doubt satisfy me. But this is territory unknown and the only time the ground is lit is when we're distant...we'll see what happens when we come close.

Lifesaver

Thank God for saving my life. I know I'm not the only one who has questioned their purpose here. I know I'm not the only one who has asked why to answers given and things we cannot change. I've cried for understanding and to be understood...to know why God has kept me so long through what has seemed like hell on earth. Deep down I think we all know why... there's something deep within that drives each of us and terrifies us to think about all at the same time. Our biggest fears tend to be our deepest desires. Typically it's those who do what we're afraid to do that inspire as we believe we're incapable. But there are always things that you can do that someone else can't; know that you are inspirational too...someone looks up to you, but you gotta be here for them to. Once you're gone the memory of you lives on but there's no one here to show them what to do and how to push through. I know I've made it far, moreover I know it's been hard, but I'm still here and it's time to stop sleeping on my dreams and make them reality. I take two steps forward and three steps back so frequently but I'm no longer settling, I'm not giving up, I know I'm still progressing. You can't let go of what you love although it's a struggle to love it, it'll help guide you to where you want to be and you'll be thankful because of it. Be thankful because it's a blessing to be alive...to feel, to heal, to create, to survive...we're power filled people...gifted with choice. Our minds are things that cannot be changed, not even by God himself, he gave us that before he gave us anything else. So decide on something and stop asking why...give yourself a reason to want to live your life, ask and God will supply. I almost didn't make it...to be honest...I wanted to die...but ain't no time like God's timing, patience surmounts pride, you'll get where you want to be. Just appreciate what you have, look forward to where you're going, fight for what u want, LOVE, don't be afraid and don't stop living.

Persevere

Lying to yourself 

Spending time that should be saved 

Maintain your focus 

Somethings are just hard

A test of patience and will

but we can do it

You are not alone

Just look around and smile

God is always good 

Transparency

I'm becoming too emotional...

it's okay that I show a little bit of vulnerability but I can't bare it all.  I have to try and convince myself that I don't care at all when really...I do...And I want to. I want to make moments last more than just minutes, more than just hours, more than just months...I want them to be infinite...time suspended.  But no...you have to go, you have to leave, you never stay.  God just didn't write the story that way and I've accepted it.  I accept the fact that my fairy tale may conclude with just I and my king...no Prince Charming and no manifestation of my dreams. But I'm still emotional about it.  I'm unable to say that I don't fantasize or get lost in my mind sometimes where those memories rewind and cause a few tears to fall from my eyes. I don't know what I'm feeling.  But I know there's healing.  There was for them and I know there will be for me.  Right now I just can't see.  Blinded by my emotions just waiting for love to find me...to hold me...to surround me...to be vulnerable with me so that I can bare it all and just be emotionally free

For the Hurt 10-28-12

I'm too strong, I'm too smart, I'm too brave...
When God created me, he built me with the capability to be anything I wanted to be.  He gave me hands so that I could write, fight, and feel.  He gave me feet so that I could walk, pave pathways, and leave footprints.  He gave me a voice so that I could speak...but I never did.  I once let a man dictate my every breath, direct my every step, and dominate my very existence.  He hurt me, abused me, broke me down, then built me up, killed me then resurrected me, cut me then stitched me up, stripped me then clothed me, grew me then mold me...
but I was too strong, too smart, and too brave.
 I knew better than to leave him, than to ever try and deceive him, but that's the same reason I'm here today...because I'm too strong, too smart, and too brave.  I knew better than to leave him and I knew better than to deceive Him....God...He made me for a purpose, not to be worthless, and never to spend time and energy on something that was worth less than the riches I've been blessed with.  I'm rich in His presence and there's nothing any man could claim to bless me with, and there's nothing man can test me with that my God would want me to stress with.  With man it is impossible but not with God for with God all things are possible.  Remember that in the midst of any and every obstacle.  Love yourself and don't expect someone else to do it.  Don't try to fight your Goliaths by yourself when you've got God to help you through it. 
Stay strong...stay smart...and be brave. 
Freedom is God given...man makes you a slave.  Domestic violence is the whip, lack of self and support are the chains.  So rise up and don't be defeated, do not quit, succeed it, when it comes to domestic violence...no pun intended...just beat it.

Blame - 8/4/08

Whose fault is it?  Mine - all the time - mine, mine, mine.
There is always a way 4 my name 2 fill the blank when the question is asked who's to blame?
My mind is in a constant state of pessimism.  Negative insight can be seen in the sight of many when they see the site of me. 
I'm misunderstood.
But- the way people look at me is clearly a correct perception + reflection of me, becuz it is me constantly in a state of lacrimation and me, I, Danitra then take that - meaning their interpretations - or my imagination twists their contemplations in2 fuel 4 my ever flowing frustrations. 
I can't get over myself - in a bad way.
God says I am 4given but my flesh has another say.
Though I'm in this world not of this world the world is fightin 4 me. Tryin 2 damage my mind + corrupt it into thinking faith is not the heavenly key.
I'm hurtin.
This can't be me but everything is God's plan - I'm so happy yet hatin myself so I just don't understand.  But I guess nobody really can.
 All I can say is soon I'll be okay maybe not 2morrow or 2day.  But the lord keeps tellin me the best is yet 2 come so don't throw it away.  Just wait.
Next time I'm asked if I'm okay, I'll just say not yet.
I'm waiting on the day that I can live + not regret. 
And that day is just not here yet... 

16 Haikus for you

What else have I done?

Why are you forgiving me?

I'm done with the past 

You've said this before

Did you not mean it last time?

Do you mean it now?

Am I in the wrong?

I'm just not sure if it's true

only time can tell

You've said many things

I thought I was your best friend

But what am I now?

You up and left me

you threw everything away

I'm just letting you

I don't burn bridges

but we know things need to change

the bridge is just drawn

I've done all I can

I have no more words for you

I'm just loving me

I'll always love you

no matter what was or is

because that is love

I'll keep on praying 

for you, for me...for the world

that's all I can do

God makes things happen

If not he allows them to.

It's all in his hands

Silence is empty

It does not need to be filled

but...it is needed

There's peace in silence 

When your thoughts don't consume you

That's when you've found it

No more I'm sorry

and no more I forgive you

no more need for that

Keep putting God first

Keep growing and keep loving

and I'll do the same

We know what we had

But right now we are nothing 

you're you and I'm me 

You don't have to text

It only confuses me

Love you...be happy 

For my Great-Grandpa

My Great-grandpa was a strong man.  Never showed a sign of weakness as he towered above us all, because my great-grandpa was tall.  He had more height than any of us physically and he had more might than the majority of us mentally, and he had a bigger appetite than most of us no matter how skinny he was.  Always tellin us to eat our meals with a piece of bread, my great-grandpa always made sure we were well fed.  Watering the seeds he planted and giving them what they needed while demanding no interference.  Ya see my great-grandpa had a green thumb when it came to gardening.  The fruits he produced provided life, love, and nourishment to the women who produced me.  And to be fortunate enough to feed and have fed off of the things that my great-grandpa grew is a blessing that I pray you have had the chance to experience too.  There was nothing that my great-grandpa couldn't do.  He built things from the ground up with his bare hands,...my great-grandpa was simply a great man.
But...I do believe we're falling short of his greatness, fighting to achieve nothing while fighting each other with obscenities, posting statuses and talking down to one another as though we're not all fam and we don't already have enough enemies. Is this what my great-grandpa gave birth to?  Even if you say it's not, that's how it seems.  Spending so much time bickering we're not catering to our loved ones needs and maybe if we were, the majority of us wouldn't be hurting.  My great-grandpa was a man to celebrate but we only cared when we had time and when we finally found the time we also found it was too late. 
Funerals bring families together from near and from afar.  I would think living in the same proximity does that but I guess that belief is sub-par.  I love my family with all my heart and I definitely love my great-grandpa, but looking around....I don't recognize ya'll.  This ain't what I remember...I'm kinda glad my great-grandpa stopped remembering because this ain't something that I would want him to see.  If he were to remember the seeds he planted he woulda also known that the roots seem to be dying and so with that great-grandpa...Rest in Peace. 

ReminiSCENT

Your scent lingers...stained flesh from you being pressed up against me and the fabrics and fibers of which you laid upon softly tempt me. It's like I'm inhaling ecstasy and every breath I take is recollection of when we rested in each other's presence.  The peace found there is so pleasant, but it doesn't remain.  Lost in the aroma again, you're just a figment of my fantasies that I will never capture.  Time with you is always temporary, and permanency is a dream to me that I doubt will come true...not with you. But maybe with your scent...which while you're gone seems everlasting...filling the void of emptiness and warming my heart, placing a smile on my face.  Smell so rich I can still taste your lips and feel your kiss and you pressed up against me, staining my flesh, atop the fabrics and fibers so soft and comforting.  Just a lingering memory...a lingering scent 

Life

Abuse and accusations from so called accidents
Business, bravery, babies born, and blood shed
Cultures converged collectively as one
Death from all different direction, with dishonesty, and disgrace to be dismissed
Evil things and deeds on this place we call Earth with little ecstatic energy
Families, friends, and fake followers with fiery and furious facades
Good, gracious, and sometimes greedy feelings gather inside of me
Humor, hiding, and hateful messages heard here and there
Intelligent individuals interested in improving imperfection.
Jealousy and joy through a living journey
Kind kinfolk keeping me safe and happy
Love and lies, a long learning experience
Music and media are many masterpieces/massacres made by man
Negative news throughout the nation a natural nuisance to my ears
Overly ostracized from the inside to the outdoors
Proud people full of plenty personality, sometimes too much and it's a pity
Quite a couple quarrels quashed quietly and completely
Relentless, rowdy, and ruthless behavior from wrong doing teens
Sorrow, salvaging, surprises and sports are things found under our sky
Tinkles of turmoil, terror, and treachery throughout this world trapped in a twilight zone
United States we live in under a God to whom we pledge though we are unusually unconcerned for each other we still say we're as one
Very valuable, vivacious, and timid our lives should be varnished and revived
Wishing, wondering, waiting to be welcome in the world
X-rays should be enhanced so we can look into our lives and realize that we may fall and we may rise
Yesterday will never come again so make yours live till today
Zooming through our lives can make us miss our zeniths so we should make them zesty

*written by my 8th grade self*