Rebirth

I'm going to start just sharing how I feel on here.

On Facebook, I posted a note about how I felt like I wasn't black.
It's about a month or so later and I can definitely say I'm feeling it now.

   Living in Chicago has been a new experience for me.  New but at the same time very familiar.  I grew up in the South Suburbs, got into my fair share of trouble, hung out with the "wrong" people, but lived a decent life.  I witnessed the police bein on bull with some of my friends, experienced them being of no help to me when I needed it, got followed in stores, all that good stuff and never argued with the fact that I was black.
   For some reason going to college changed everything.  Prior to college I had a lot more white friends...I don't think I hardly made any in college.  There was definite segregation.  Being involved in the black community and watching it transform, I began to separate myself from everyone.  I didn't want to be "black" anymore.
   Now when I say that, I don't mean it in the sense that I was ashamed of my race, or where I came from, or that I wanted to change anything at all about who I am/was.  I just didn't want to be herded into a group or be generalized.  I get upset when people talk about women as though we're all the same too, and that's how I felt.  We're all individuals and I couldn't bring myself to carry the same concerns or to be focused on the same trends as everyone else unless I believed in them or cared for them.  But everything was becoming the same.  Black people were trapping themselves in a place where there was so much diversity and knowledge to be gained.  I still struggle with it but....I've definitely grown to appreciate all the differences within black culture and outside of our culture...and also not speak as though I don't understand because I do understand.  We are all different, come from different places and ave different struggles.
At the end of the day I am black.
Black Lives Matter
There are a lot of black people that don't do ish.
There are lot of geniuses in the black community.
There are a lot of people that look at being black as a problem...
I didn't want to be black because we were becoming the problem.
But I'm proud to be black because how I represent myself....although small in comparison to the larger community have the potential to change it.

(Here's my post from Facebook)

Honestly...

With everything that is going on, I'm going to finally address this...

I don't feel black.

Everyday I see #Blacklivesmatter and yes they do and yes they should but...
I don't even know how to define black culture.
Aside from naturally looking different, our music, and maybe some of our homecookin...I don't know what else it is
Maybe because I grew up with white friends
Listened to "white people" music
And only knew about being black from school.
I didn't really watch TV...
Pretty much only heard the music that was played on the radio.
But I didn't see color.
I still don't.
I see people and people with issues.
People who discriminate and are racist, angry, ignorant, selfish, impatient, misinformed, misguided, and need help.
White people.
Black people.
All people.
Most issues being faced today require and effect all people.
I'm sorry but I do not have faith that the black population will come together and make their situation...our situation...better.
Are they able to? Yes.
Black people, whenever there is community, are capable of transgressing as history has shown.
But history has also shown us how often that that has occurred.
The blame can't be entirely on everybody else because
meanwhile, with blacks lacking consistent unification...
those Jim Crow laws have undergone transformation and are lowkey running this entire nation.
It's more than police brutality
Ya'll think this stuff just started happening
Folks die everyday.
The media has been and is still controlling what you see...
Most folks out here are motivated by rage and anger because of it
Why not just be motivated by the right to be free?
To be a human being?
To breathe.
I can't breathe by having to identify as black on everything...but maybe that's just me.
I don't know enough about my heritage to comfortably claim anything.
I'm still learning.
While doing that I'm fighting for what I feel is right and speaking against what I feel is wrong, but last I checked right and wrong wasn't divided racially.
Ya know...I think I'm Native American actually and African American secondly, but I was born in Germany so I could even argue that as my nationality.
What really does any of it mean?
It's just an easy way for someone else to define me...
even though who raised us and where we grew up more accurately display who we're going to be.

Honestly though...
I'm sorry
this is just stuff I needed to get off my chest....
this is stuff that I believe.
I feel lost.
Stuck in the midst of all this chaos.
But it's not new to me.
I just don't understand why,
if we want to be treated equal,
that we don't remove the adjectives
and just be people.