My Prayer 8-28-08

God - I'm waitin -
I know it's coming, but I know it has not reached me yet.
God - I'm tired -
I feel your works being done but I also feel the devil's work workin against you.
God - I'm hurtin -
Physically I'm tired and emotionally I'm drained
I'm in pain
God - I'm sorry
I feel as though I am a disgrace to your name and not worthy of your grace but you forgave
God - I thank you
Though I feel all these sorrows are infinite and never ending I know one day I will not feel this way.
One day I will see I am and always will be more than I am because my life is in your hands and you'll never steer me wrong.
You will make me strong.
But for now I know I'm where I belong.

It's hard to accept
but nevertheless

God - I'm stayin with you every step

9-8-09

It's painful
Not to kno what's going on in the minds of those who surround you
It's awkward
Who should initiate, who should go first, not even knowing if the others are willing 2 participate
But they already are participating in this game.
This challenge, this test of patience.
This silence.

1/22/12

It hurts...

to not know the source of my sorrow

It can be nothing but the devil trying to defeat...

me...

us...

the relationship we're building

the LOVE that we've found in each other

I'm terrified that it will fade

-that it will diminish

-that it will disappear

that is my greatest fear

because I don't see much use in me

but you do...

you have a vision,

you have a plan,

you have more for me than I could ever imagine

I just need to be able to look at myself

my potential

my strengths

my possibilities

and believe that

I can...

Why Not Love?

You distract me in the worst way...it's like I'm getting hit while crossing the street although I've looked both ways knowing which way was right...and unfortunately you're not it.  But the scenery with you is beautiful.  I take the detour delightfully because you excite me...you take a figure eight trip to paint a picture of how much you wanna be to me.  You're so sweet to me.  You very well may be what I need but every fear takes time to overcome, and I'm just taking heed because I don't wanna hurt you by filling your mind with things I can't be.  But know that I could be your everything if I just would, if we lived somewhere where time didn't matter and everything made sense before we even gained our common sense that we weren't supposed to get and only got because we robbed the flower of knowledge....Before we crossed those lines u coulda been mine, and you coulda been mine eternally. But where are we now? Look around.  Think about all of the people that need my love before you decide to settle down.  It's not about me, never will be and never was...Ask me why I love you...it's just because...

To a part of my heart...

With there being an us I didn't see a reason for just I.  I disregarded all feelings I should have possessed for myself and let me die.  Self mutilation led to my destruction. I was unable to feel the pain even as tears fell from my eyes and I was hurting because I refused to look in the mirror and see what scars had been left on me even tho i knew only magic mirrors could show what was inside.  i chose not to spend any time reflecting on the fact that the image of me was beautiful because once I realized that Snow White was the fairest Of them all i just knew that beautiful was something I could never be.  That is what I believed and therefore there was no going back for me.  Mentally I was trained to see myself as nothing physically and thus gave myself freely all the while suffering subconsciously while on the surface there was rising satisfaction in a life I was living lustfully, enjoying my ignorance and neglecting my necessities in order to provide pleasure to ppl at random taking pride in the ecstasies i provided them instantly, confidently stating that anyone could confide in me sexually and my ability to feed the needs of everyone but me i.e. I was thanking everybody and no one had to say please because I loved to do these things and I thought that by doing them that they would make me love me.  But making love is faking cuz nobody even made love to give birth to me, i mean if they did wouldn't it be something that I could still see.  The only things that are made are tangible things and last time I checked I ain't never felt love all over me but best believe I tried. I tried...to love you the best I knew how, and at this point I'm sure you can see that what I knew was nothing.  I thought that I was loving.  I wanted you to have my everything, I wanted to wear that wedding ring, I wanted you to marry me, but I failed us both cuz I expected you to carry me.  I expected you to be strong and know that I was weak, I expected you to know what I was going to say and for me to not have to even speak.  I expected you to say that we can wait and that you'd wait for me eternally but temptation came in and reality set in and I saw that you were just another human being and this love thing was not just something that got passed from person to person sexually even tho I was positive that I loved you and that you did indeed love me.  But because my definition of love was skewed I saw other ppl that deserved loving and that I knew would show me love as I perceived it to be.  I broke us because I was trying to please me and the route that we were headed I was afraid would be saddening and ultimately because I said I loved you not even knowing what love means.  But now...I'm ready because I've identified the only one that's loved me  all the way from the beginning.  He created you and me and gave us everything, all the tools that we'd be needing as we struggled through these lives that we're yet and still treading.  I know what love is now after seeing that He continues to bless me even after the smoking, the drinking, the lying, and the sexing.  Even though I thought I knew everything he taught me thru his word and life lessons that there was still room for bettering that I could not doing anything till I humbled myself and paid attention to the red lettering and what Jesus had said to me.  Darkness does not exist for people that follow me said he and I knew that it was time for me to adjust my lighting and see God shining, growing me and showing me what love is with a why that has no need for defining.  He led me back to you I did not pick the timing.  I was actually minding my own business.  Goin to church, reading, praying, trying to be a better Christian when suddenly I was told to just go and was subsequently asked..,why are you waiting.  So now I'm here, and I'm saying I love you, before I didn't know what it meant but now I do.  And you'll see it without me even needing to say it because my love for Him will always exceed my love for you. And I think he knows that too, I feel like that's the only reason that he's brought me back to you.  Sorry for everything, I know you forgave me but this time I forgive me too cuz I know that God will always love us even though he won't always love what we do, and even more so he doesn't get mad at you for doing the wrong things when the right things you don't know how to...but now that I'm aware and i understand what love is I am being held fully accountable for all that I do.  We can continue to show our friends, families, and the world God's love together but only if you want to...however...regardless of your decision, I will always love me and of course Romel Du'ane Moore II , I will always love you. 

****FEATURE****A Letter From Son to Mother...

I will read your clues in due time... but in the meantime i really need you to give me my space... i also need you to speak to me like a human being when you ask me to do something instead of yelling. maybe ask a friend to speak if you cant u the gumption to actually explain why you are behaving in the way that you are and your direction for my life.

I have seen many things that you haven't. And vice versa. You have to acknowledge that many of these viewpoints have taken hold just like your fears have done for you. For example. your fear of dogs and weed. I was convinced that these things would tear me apart just like they allegedly did you. But when I got to college these fears naturally drifted away as my peers convinced me that they were truly rubbish. You're not going to always like what I do. But you have to accept it or your very presence in my life will be misconstrued and eventually neutralized to your detriment.

I know you care but worry isn't going to help. Instead of threatening you should let me find out the hard way. I need advice rather than a tight gripping hand. If you let the world beat me than you then we can both succeed because success is written into my plans automatically. If what I deem as success goes along the path that you map out then I will comply. If not I will ignore you.

Missed Carriage by: Sean Vinson ***FEATURE***

My Jade..

"A smooth caramel complexion..

Almond eyes, small in size..

Gorgeous smile..

The mind of an intellectual coupled with the passion of an poet inspired.."

This.. was my imagined architecture of your uncompromised structure that was to be in company within 9 months..

I dreamed of the nights when the slow creeking of my bedroom door

Would signal your otherwise silent presence

Maneuvering under the veil of your favorite blanky across the floor in search of refuge from the Boogeyman's reach..

Maybe I did get ahead of myself by falling behind the lines at Walmart

Collecting a full shopping cart for the "Back to School" sale..

I figured I'd get your Crayola half-price,

That way, your classmates wouldn't even have to ask twice

About your artistic capability that you were bound to possess

But then, my unborn princess

I recognized error in thought process......

I never considered the prospect of you being male

My young Kal-El..

"Heir to my throne and presider over reign

Bearer of legacy and carrier of name

Towering beacon of charisma and fortitude..

Respected AND Respectful.."

Counterfeit flash forward scenes displayed the sight of you catching your first pigskin pass

Followed by an accomplishing laugh that warmed my heart like a Snuggie

My Princess..

My Young Hero..

I.. I love you

I love you though I was never given chance to hold you within the grip of my arms..

Never gifted opportunity to customize bedside tales for your ears only

Never granted fortune.. of fatherhood..

I shed a pint of tears every night I hear silence in place of your voices..

Poorly made choices interrupted the awaiting, weighted rejoices that would come attached to your arrival..

Your survival.. inhibited by annexed inhibitions

Result of poor nutrition of a relationship craving nourishment

We dropped the gifts that heaven sent and I can only pray God forgives us..

Ironically, your unlived life will outlive us..

My Princess..

My Young Hero..

You already have obtained what we so desperately yearn for..

Significance in time forever

Existing in history without ever making impression in the sands of age or experiencing expiration..

You live without death..

Live on

***FEAUTURE*** Sean Vinson - "Save Chi"

I never knew a luh, luh luh, a love like this..

To tell the truth, I ain't been familiar with a hate like this either

That true love depicted on stained glass in cathedrals

Painted windows showing the untainted sacrifice made by Jesus because His people missed the mark..

Though the deep hate that prompted Yahweh to commission Noah to craft an ark

And spare his family from a wet wrath..

That love felt within a present dad there to witness a son come to recognize his own potential..

But the hate of a son towards an absent father

And adopted a 5 point star as his mentor

All is Well..

Well unless sidewalks blackened by gunpowder

And a forcibly made, now-single-child toddler's tear showers causes you the same sickness I've fallen victim to.

Coughing on words I just cannot seem to utter

To comfort a Queen.. a mother who's lost her young onyx prince to a shot through his heart delivered by a registered Smith and Wesson

That was legally carried due in part to the passing of a 3 dollar bill that never made any sense..

Even in this land of Lincoln, these legislators still wouldn't give a penny for your thoughts.

Only big boy cash accepted

In Illinois coin slots by these NRA "yes men", lobbied by trigger happy millionaires

That are deaf to the screams bellowed through wind pipes, out of wide open jaws by our scared..

In desperate need of repair..

Chicago youth.

Thus far, CPS halls are loudened by 28 less heartbeats..

And they want MORE guns on our streets?

That means more business for Gatling and Leak’s

More commemorative candles

More damsels in distress

More hammers in hands of men not wearing orange vests

More reasons to send my 8 year old cousins to bus stops with teflons on their chests..

Chicago, I guess.. This is a love-hate thing we got going huh?

Because in the night, there’s nothing like the love of just.. being in you

Then you give reason for hate by morning when I flip to NBC news am greeted by the face of Jesse Jackson.

Speaking in rhymes about yet another young voice made mime..

Mute.

Trapped by an invisible box made real

Red cedar and steel

Manufactured just to be submerged in earth 6 feet.

Now.. I speak

Cause they can’t..

Cause you don’t..

Cause they in Springfield won’t respond to your hot-anger.

Your fruitless attempts of displaying "social dissatisfaction" through flash mobs

And I'm not talking the kind that dance.

I mean the kind that ride up to the Gold Coast just to break hands on old folks

Terrorizing 70 year old men..

For what?

Recreation?

Playing "Point him out, Knock him out"

While CPD would rather play

"Point him out, Chalk him out"

And speaking of,

There's more chalk on our cold concrete streets than in our classrooms

Nowadays kids will go to school

Just to have sex with a classmate in the bathrooms.

You think these North Siders don't see us and think "Well look at these Baboons..

Don't even have a moral code

Or an ounce of integrity by which to live.

And yet these teachers want to protest for these kids?

Want to invest in these kids?"

Chicago, I hate the sour taste you leave in my mouth, but I'll tell you what the recipe is for a sweeter savor..

Stop looking for some white collar savior

In disguise, who's probably just another white hooded slaver.

Let's pull OURSELVES up from the status of another species endangered..

Redirect that pain, that anger into motivation for achievement..

I cant speak for us all, but I'M TIRED of bereavements..

Small caskets..

10 year-old girls shaking their.. Tails.

I know this relationship we got ain't exactly that of a fairy tale,

There's plenty to hate..

But there's yet room to save love..

To save lives..

To save Chi.

You...I...Us (Collaboetry: Sean Vinson ft. Yours Truly)

Sean:
There's alot of doubt about You... I... Us
But, what do they REALLY know about You... I... Us?
I...MUST trust that they're speaking out of ignorance.

They just don't know.
They just don't KNOW about You and I.
They just don't KNOW You take Me high.
Higher than than NASA's rockets could ever hope to fly
Higher than the ozone that wraps around our sky
So to them I reply... MIND YOUR BUSINESS!
It seems that they only take interest
In You and I
When they want to crticize the lives
Of You and I

On a scale from 1 to 10
The time I spend with You
Tips the scale at infinity
Sometimes I have to wonder
If You were born of divinity
For You are my angel...
And I'd do anything to make You happy
When you're feeling low from the blows delivered by your Pappy...
You are beautiful to me
With perm OR when you're nappy
You are as sweet as tapi...oca
I hope when You read this
You get all choked up,
Maybe shed a couple tears
With faith on our side,
Maybe we can share a couple years
Together as You... I... Us...

Danitra:
And then when You and I officially become Us
We will be intangible
Our love…
unfathomable
Our relationship…
never fragile
We will be unable to be broken, separated, and defeated
They’ll continue to criticize Us with their cold hearts
Not knowing we will only be reheated
An everlasting flame,
never burning out like the one in the Olympic Games
We… are fire
You…I…Us
Our intertwined spirits being the igniter
Together…
You and I are invincible
They’re throwing daggers
Cursing Us with their tongues
But You…I…Us…
We are a loaded gun
Cocked and ready to run
And They just don’t know…
They just don’t know about You and I
And therefore the world, is not ready… for Us

And THAT'S that piece!

Doo Doo Danitra (3D)

As I approached the finish line

I just knew a solid 2nd place was mine
I probably could have got #1
But something mushy leaked from my bum
How could this happen when I'm about to graduate
Why did I run and hold it in when I knew it was too late
I laughed so much I almost cried
There was no reason not to, it wasn't something I could hide
So I gathered my belonging and walked to leave the meet
But when I was walking it all sank to my feet...

Yup....I pooped on myself in 8th grade.  Hands down most embarrassing moment of my life.
My name went from Danitra Pope to Danitra Poop instantly...

*logs off and hangs head in shame*

J.R.L.

The first one I met was just like me and in him I saw things that other girls ain't see.  We started out as best friends, chillin together all the time, but I had deeper thoughts runnin through my mind.  He walked with me one night even though I was already close to home, I don't know how he was feelin but I wanted to get him alone.  He reached around with a friendly hug, his arms laid close around my hips, then I did what he never expected and kissed him on his beautiful lips.  WOW! was the expression on this boy's face, and then he called me up and asked me out when he got back to his place.  He never knew I liked him, that's something he would've never thought of, but from that moment on he was mine and I was his first love.  Five months or so the first time, but break ups and make ups add up to bout a year.  But we ended on a good note cause we still have a connection whether or not he's here.  Many times I reminisce about the times we spent together, but because of what him and I shared I will love him forever.

My First Time....

Everybody must remember their very first time...
that first intertwine...
that body on body...
mind focused on mind...
that mmmmm.
I definitely remember mine.
See it wasn't that romantically exquisite, intimate, candles lit,
it was me climbing on top taking it slowly, yet swiftly
at the tender age of 13.
Yea....me.
Exposed to sex prematurely I allowed the lust and his touch and his touch and his touch to consume me
Living by the motto "I'm just doin me" but realistically everybody was doin me
Shoot I was every man's best friend
Quick to lend a hand and fast to use my head
That...was me.
But look at me now
Not the sight you'd expect to see
Not pregnant, never burnt, nor infected with AIDs or HIV,
not raped, buried in the ground, prostituting or anything
Ya see cuz me...I'm blessed
All that mess was just a test and thankfully I've passed.
I've relinquished that temptation because I refuse to receive condemnation or damnation
 for satisfying some dude's need for ejaculation
That ain't me no more.
Go head and say it, "Danitra you was a whore"
Because I know that in the bible Hebrews 13:4, it says "God will judge"
And therefore I ain't worried none.
I've repented my sins and ain't relapsing again and for those of you that think I will...think again.

And for those of you out there still "doin you," I ain't mad at you, how could I be?...
It's just that one day I hope you've made it this far, and by the grace of God are proud enough to stand up and say...
Look at me.

Maybe...

Maybe it's not like that
Maybe it grew from a situation years ago that hurt the people that helped him grow
Maybe he really just doesn't know
...But I know, he listens
I know he tries to understand 
but i also know he is stubborn and his thoughts remain in demand
but one has to fall before one can stand
Maybe he just needed to make this one mistake
in order to realize what was truly at stake
Maybe I needed the hurt in order to stand the rain
Maybe I want him for reasons i can't explain 
but maybe he's finally tired of putting us thru pain
Either way whether it be me or her it will not happen again
No more hurt than what ive experienced can or will be inflicted 
Becuz thru the break in my heart that i felt i realized my feelings were restricted
My feelings...for myself
It is a relationship with me and only me that i need in order to succeed
No man, woman, nor object produced by the flesh can stop me in my tracks for
I will continue to proceed...thru the trials, thru the tears, thru the rain, ill fist fight the devil myself but
I WILL REIGN
Maybe a remnant of what was between us still remains
They say it aint over till the fat lady sangs
So maybe...it's not. maybe there's just been a change
Maybe there has been a change in him for i know there's been one in me
And with me not thru me maybe he can truly see...God
The Lord works in mysterious ways and it's crazy how my GOD can divide, in order to help me decide, whether or not that love was truly devine and then bring him back to me for me to pick him up when he feels as tho he's been denied. 
Maybe all this drama has just been to make us stronger so that i can truly have a real man on my side
Maybe he is meant to be mine
Maybe he's not and i should stop tryin
Maybe NOW is the time...
Time for me to make up my mind-
and stop sayin...
maybe

2/5/2010

(the night of) 9-9-09

My eyes overflow with tears constantly. i'm the diamond in the rough but nobody can seem to dig me out. they give up, and i'm left stuck...drowning in the puddles which my tears have pitter pattered on my pillows. sheltered only by darkness, which isn't a safe place at all. In the dark is where the bad things crawl. the negative thoughts, the pessimism, the anger, the confusion, and the downfall. All because of you. i'm left alone...to fend for myself, to live solely for myself, to love me and nobody else. You've extinguished the flame within me. My heart is ice now. Though it has the capability to melt it also is capable of being broken numerous times. shattering into lots of little pieces but never going back to its original state. i really don't kno what else to say or what i just said. i'm just writing...the only thing that can't steal my joy away, break my heart, or strand me and make me lonely. My outlet to express my emotions which u couldn't handle and what it seems u barely possessed now i'm a mess. The tears stopped flowing, but this pain i feel....this pain, is forever.

(the mornin after...)

Sealed shut by the secretion of pain from my eyes
I can't see. I can't show my face. Swollen by hurt.
I wake up just to find the same tears rolling down my cheek
I thought it was a nightmare
and that when i woke i would still be living like the princess of a fairytale
But i was wrong...
my face feels disfigured and my heart is torn
i'm scarred to the bone, lost, afraid, and alone.
How can i explain it to my royal subjects?
I guess i'll say "I....so satisfied and high upon my throne have fallen, have gone from the top to barely rock bottom. I've been pushed out of that high seat and now i'm crawlin for scraps, tryna keep my mind right but the time for that has elapsed. I'm goin crazy, not sane but insanely. Sickly in the heart and in the mind, thought u were one of a kind but u broke me. You've killed me internally and you didn't even choke me. You let me go and you let...me...down. My prince with whom i shared the crown has let...me...down, with no safety net or harness you let...me...down. Nobody to catch me, nobody to hold me you let...me...down. Nobody to turn to, nobody to love me, nobody to run to whatever my needs b you let...me...down. And u may as well not even search for me on the ground because i'm under, i'm buried by my sorrows, resting in the darkness, waitin for a smile, but i don't think i will find one. I think time is just up for me and love and im done tryin. I don't think i will ever stop cryin..." 

In The Zone

Hey everyone, sorry I didn't post anything yesterday.  I'm thinking about moving away from the daily posts to something less frequent like maybe 2-3 times a week, I don't know, haven't decided yet.  I'd love to hear what ya'll think.  But anyway CHICAGO dwellers!!!!!!!!! COME SEE ME and my friends (no shade to my friends because they're lowercased lol) perform TONIGHT at 6PM at LOGAN ARTS CENTER 915 E 60th ST.  $5 before 7PM.  It's gonna be a positive place and I'd love to see ya'll there =) #LovePeaceProgress

I Get Around

How many times have you screamed at God or cried out to him? How many times have you thanked him? How many times have you told him that you loved him? How many more to come?

Life cycles and we find ourselves back in the same places, same situations, and surrounded by similar faces...but do we approach them with patience, ignorant frustration, or crumbling devastation. We have to stay strong. We live, we learn, we grow. Just know that no matter which way you go, chances are you'll end up back at ground zero.
But.... that's where you start to build, you need a foundation and plans focused on resurrection. However, if you fail or feel a little loss, by continuing to follow him, you'll be led in the right direction.

Love, Peace, & Progression

Living in Denial

We take the moments we have for granted and choose not to grab from them. To take away the things that drew us to them seems like a waste, when if we could place ourselves in the same shoes we were in when we were in those situations... things would be different.  In those places we have the want to remain but hate to admit it in the present day because it reminds us of our flaws, reminds us of our pain, reinforces our reality, the mundane day to day.  We're afraid to challenge ourselves and show our faith.  Afraid to be alone, we're afraid of leaving those we're with because it may make us seem selfish when really you're doing everyone a favor by just being honest.  You insult, place blame, point fingers, and call others out of their name because you're stuck.  You messed up.  You have to live with fact that you chose to eff yourself by denying yourself and lying to yourself about what it is you really wanted and still think about a good chunk of the time.  And it hurts for me to see you feel this way, it hurts that you choose to inflict this pain when cure has been given.  You're free.  But you choose not to be and psychologically place yourself in a box consumed by your thoughts.  I just want you to step out of that.  I can deal with the disgrace and lies you tell people because despite the mask you wear I see the real face.  Underneath the facade I see you about to suffocate, you're literally killing yourself.  You're letting your life waste away...but that's what happens when you let all your tomorrows remind you of your yesterdays, instead of doing what's best for you and living for today.

Socratic Irony

Reality is...we know less than we think we do, do less than we need to do, and feel as though no one else can tell us what we ought to do.  The reality in that is that we spend most of our lives trying to figure out who we were made to be and what we were made to do....all in all not really knowing ourselves as well as we think we do.  

Reality is...we're not supposed to be comfortable.  Each time we start to feel comfortable physically our bodies change and forcibly place us in situations of discomfort.  Learning to walk and subsequently fall.  The agonizing pain of teething.  The psychological challenges of puberty.  All things are necessary parts of growth.

That's why there's an eeriness to placidity.  When things are completely still, with no disruption, and no movement....sounds like death.  Even in our sleep we move because reality is we have to.

There's growth in education, whether you're the teacher or the student.  We're created to be both...but reality is...we don't know how...and we're the reason why we don't.

Questions

Would we all look the same if we never learned to tame our NATURAL ways? 
Maybe not the same but similar, surrounded by faces that look FAMILIAR.
If we were hunters and gatherers for all of our lives, would no one fall victim to the super-sized….would we all be HEALTHY? 
If we never created money would we all be WEALTHY? 
If no languages were created, how then would things be communicated?
If there were no schools would we all be fools? 
If we had no names wouldn’t we all be the same? 
And wouldn’t that make sense? 
BORN in iniquity yet EQUAL cuz we’re shaped in his image