March 16, 2011

There have been countless times that I've been told "I love you..."
That same amount were lies.
Numerous nights I've been forced to wipe tears from my eyes but I always go back.
I always go back to the hurt...
I always go back to the heartache...
I always go back to the pain...
it pulls me back, I'm attached, like a fixture, like an immovable structure...a monument...
because throughout time the story I tell remains the same.
He loves me, he loves me not, he leaves me now me is all I got, time and time again.
Addicted to this game...think I'm winning but I lose.
But that's what I choose to do...
I place myself in these positions...it's an illness that can't be fixed with prescriptions.
It's an addiction.
Without this false sense of security I find in most men...I shake, I tremble, I can't breathe.
I'm trying to stay with him but it's way passed my time to leave.
I want to be free but... I can't.
I'll never change.
Addicted to the hurt, addicted to the game, I'm addicted to heartache, I'm addicted to pain.

How I'm Feeling...(a haiku)

I'm numb to the world

I can not feel anything

Nope...nothing at all

8/25/14

The things that were once beautiful to me have lost their luster or maybe the beauty i saw was just lust for them.
Desiring satisfactions that were not pure and wanting interactions that were fulfilling only to the temporary state.
But as I sit and look at people more and more...those people I once adored...I see so much more.
It's like a light has illuminated their imperfections...
But it's those flaws that are the most alluring.
The thing us people have in common is in fact the dirt that we're made from...
and dirt....being a part of nature...is one of the purest forms of beauty.

February 11, 2010

I'm sure there have been a lot of love poems written, but all disclosin' an aspect of it that is different.
Most love poems I've read are happy; filled with fascinations, infatuations, and I love this about hers and hims.  But I have yet to read a love poem that contains the arguments, fights, and struggles within.
We all have em and we all go through em and if your love doesn't well shoot I say screw em because there's no foundation.

When building any structure you start from the bottom then make your way to the top, but if you already at the peak then what exactly do you got?

You can't take it any higher and I don't know about you but to me that's boring. Some of the greatest moments in my life have come from overcoming. That is the greatest feeling...
you know they say love conquers all but with nothing to conquer your love is nothing at all.
Oh yeah good times are great but they'll turn bad if you can't recover from a fall.
That's what love is.
It's when it ain't all about he/she makes me feel good about myself, you should already feel good about yourself, and love them for who they are, it shouldn't be about anyone else.
Remove you from the equation and see what you have left.  And if there's nothing then there's nothing put them phony feelings back on the shelf it wasn't love...it ain't love...it is not love....and this...ain't a love poem.

My Prayer 8-28-08

God - I'm waitin -
I know it's coming, but I know it has not reached me yet.
God - I'm tired -
I feel your works being done but I also feel the devil's work workin against you.
God - I'm hurtin -
Physically I'm tired and emotionally I'm drained
I'm in pain
God - I'm sorry
I feel as though I am a disgrace to your name and not worthy of your grace but you forgave
God - I thank you
Though I feel all these sorrows are infinite and never ending I know one day I will not feel this way.
One day I will see I am and always will be more than I am because my life is in your hands and you'll never steer me wrong.
You will make me strong.
But for now I know I'm where I belong.

It's hard to accept
but nevertheless

God - I'm stayin with you every step

9-8-09

It's painful
Not to kno what's going on in the minds of those who surround you
It's awkward
Who should initiate, who should go first, not even knowing if the others are willing 2 participate
But they already are participating in this game.
This challenge, this test of patience.
This silence.

1/22/12

It hurts...

to not know the source of my sorrow

It can be nothing but the devil trying to defeat...

me...

us...

the relationship we're building

the LOVE that we've found in each other

I'm terrified that it will fade

-that it will diminish

-that it will disappear

that is my greatest fear

because I don't see much use in me

but you do...

you have a vision,

you have a plan,

you have more for me than I could ever imagine

I just need to be able to look at myself

my potential

my strengths

my possibilities

and believe that

I can...

Why Not Love?

You distract me in the worst way...it's like I'm getting hit while crossing the street although I've looked both ways knowing which way was right...and unfortunately you're not it.  But the scenery with you is beautiful.  I take the detour delightfully because you excite me...you take a figure eight trip to paint a picture of how much you wanna be to me.  You're so sweet to me.  You very well may be what I need but every fear takes time to overcome, and I'm just taking heed because I don't wanna hurt you by filling your mind with things I can't be.  But know that I could be your everything if I just would, if we lived somewhere where time didn't matter and everything made sense before we even gained our common sense that we weren't supposed to get and only got because we robbed the flower of knowledge....Before we crossed those lines u coulda been mine, and you coulda been mine eternally. But where are we now? Look around.  Think about all of the people that need my love before you decide to settle down.  It's not about me, never will be and never was...Ask me why I love you...it's just because...

To a part of my heart...

With there being an us I didn't see a reason for just I.  I disregarded all feelings I should have possessed for myself and let me die.  Self mutilation led to my destruction. I was unable to feel the pain even as tears fell from my eyes and I was hurting because I refused to look in the mirror and see what scars had been left on me even tho i knew only magic mirrors could show what was inside.  i chose not to spend any time reflecting on the fact that the image of me was beautiful because once I realized that Snow White was the fairest Of them all i just knew that beautiful was something I could never be.  That is what I believed and therefore there was no going back for me.  Mentally I was trained to see myself as nothing physically and thus gave myself freely all the while suffering subconsciously while on the surface there was rising satisfaction in a life I was living lustfully, enjoying my ignorance and neglecting my necessities in order to provide pleasure to ppl at random taking pride in the ecstasies i provided them instantly, confidently stating that anyone could confide in me sexually and my ability to feed the needs of everyone but me i.e. I was thanking everybody and no one had to say please because I loved to do these things and I thought that by doing them that they would make me love me.  But making love is faking cuz nobody even made love to give birth to me, i mean if they did wouldn't it be something that I could still see.  The only things that are made are tangible things and last time I checked I ain't never felt love all over me but best believe I tried. I tried...to love you the best I knew how, and at this point I'm sure you can see that what I knew was nothing.  I thought that I was loving.  I wanted you to have my everything, I wanted to wear that wedding ring, I wanted you to marry me, but I failed us both cuz I expected you to carry me.  I expected you to be strong and know that I was weak, I expected you to know what I was going to say and for me to not have to even speak.  I expected you to say that we can wait and that you'd wait for me eternally but temptation came in and reality set in and I saw that you were just another human being and this love thing was not just something that got passed from person to person sexually even tho I was positive that I loved you and that you did indeed love me.  But because my definition of love was skewed I saw other ppl that deserved loving and that I knew would show me love as I perceived it to be.  I broke us because I was trying to please me and the route that we were headed I was afraid would be saddening and ultimately because I said I loved you not even knowing what love means.  But now...I'm ready because I've identified the only one that's loved me  all the way from the beginning.  He created you and me and gave us everything, all the tools that we'd be needing as we struggled through these lives that we're yet and still treading.  I know what love is now after seeing that He continues to bless me even after the smoking, the drinking, the lying, and the sexing.  Even though I thought I knew everything he taught me thru his word and life lessons that there was still room for bettering that I could not doing anything till I humbled myself and paid attention to the red lettering and what Jesus had said to me.  Darkness does not exist for people that follow me said he and I knew that it was time for me to adjust my lighting and see God shining, growing me and showing me what love is with a why that has no need for defining.  He led me back to you I did not pick the timing.  I was actually minding my own business.  Goin to church, reading, praying, trying to be a better Christian when suddenly I was told to just go and was subsequently asked..,why are you waiting.  So now I'm here, and I'm saying I love you, before I didn't know what it meant but now I do.  And you'll see it without me even needing to say it because my love for Him will always exceed my love for you. And I think he knows that too, I feel like that's the only reason that he's brought me back to you.  Sorry for everything, I know you forgave me but this time I forgive me too cuz I know that God will always love us even though he won't always love what we do, and even more so he doesn't get mad at you for doing the wrong things when the right things you don't know how to...but now that I'm aware and i understand what love is I am being held fully accountable for all that I do.  We can continue to show our friends, families, and the world God's love together but only if you want to...however...regardless of your decision, I will always love me and of course Romel Du'ane Moore II , I will always love you. 

****FEATURE****A Letter From Son to Mother...

I will read your clues in due time... but in the meantime i really need you to give me my space... i also need you to speak to me like a human being when you ask me to do something instead of yelling. maybe ask a friend to speak if you cant u the gumption to actually explain why you are behaving in the way that you are and your direction for my life.

I have seen many things that you haven't. And vice versa. You have to acknowledge that many of these viewpoints have taken hold just like your fears have done for you. For example. your fear of dogs and weed. I was convinced that these things would tear me apart just like they allegedly did you. But when I got to college these fears naturally drifted away as my peers convinced me that they were truly rubbish. You're not going to always like what I do. But you have to accept it or your very presence in my life will be misconstrued and eventually neutralized to your detriment.

I know you care but worry isn't going to help. Instead of threatening you should let me find out the hard way. I need advice rather than a tight gripping hand. If you let the world beat me than you then we can both succeed because success is written into my plans automatically. If what I deem as success goes along the path that you map out then I will comply. If not I will ignore you.

Missed Carriage by: Sean Vinson ***FEATURE***

My Jade..

"A smooth caramel complexion..

Almond eyes, small in size..

Gorgeous smile..

The mind of an intellectual coupled with the passion of an poet inspired.."

This.. was my imagined architecture of your uncompromised structure that was to be in company within 9 months..

I dreamed of the nights when the slow creeking of my bedroom door

Would signal your otherwise silent presence

Maneuvering under the veil of your favorite blanky across the floor in search of refuge from the Boogeyman's reach..

Maybe I did get ahead of myself by falling behind the lines at Walmart

Collecting a full shopping cart for the "Back to School" sale..

I figured I'd get your Crayola half-price,

That way, your classmates wouldn't even have to ask twice

About your artistic capability that you were bound to possess

But then, my unborn princess

I recognized error in thought process......

I never considered the prospect of you being male

My young Kal-El..

"Heir to my throne and presider over reign

Bearer of legacy and carrier of name

Towering beacon of charisma and fortitude..

Respected AND Respectful.."

Counterfeit flash forward scenes displayed the sight of you catching your first pigskin pass

Followed by an accomplishing laugh that warmed my heart like a Snuggie

My Princess..

My Young Hero..

I.. I love you

I love you though I was never given chance to hold you within the grip of my arms..

Never gifted opportunity to customize bedside tales for your ears only

Never granted fortune.. of fatherhood..

I shed a pint of tears every night I hear silence in place of your voices..

Poorly made choices interrupted the awaiting, weighted rejoices that would come attached to your arrival..

Your survival.. inhibited by annexed inhibitions

Result of poor nutrition of a relationship craving nourishment

We dropped the gifts that heaven sent and I can only pray God forgives us..

Ironically, your unlived life will outlive us..

My Princess..

My Young Hero..

You already have obtained what we so desperately yearn for..

Significance in time forever

Existing in history without ever making impression in the sands of age or experiencing expiration..

You live without death..

Live on

***FEAUTURE*** Sean Vinson - "Save Chi"

I never knew a luh, luh luh, a love like this..

To tell the truth, I ain't been familiar with a hate like this either

That true love depicted on stained glass in cathedrals

Painted windows showing the untainted sacrifice made by Jesus because His people missed the mark..

Though the deep hate that prompted Yahweh to commission Noah to craft an ark

And spare his family from a wet wrath..

That love felt within a present dad there to witness a son come to recognize his own potential..

But the hate of a son towards an absent father

And adopted a 5 point star as his mentor

All is Well..

Well unless sidewalks blackened by gunpowder

And a forcibly made, now-single-child toddler's tear showers causes you the same sickness I've fallen victim to.

Coughing on words I just cannot seem to utter

To comfort a Queen.. a mother who's lost her young onyx prince to a shot through his heart delivered by a registered Smith and Wesson

That was legally carried due in part to the passing of a 3 dollar bill that never made any sense..

Even in this land of Lincoln, these legislators still wouldn't give a penny for your thoughts.

Only big boy cash accepted

In Illinois coin slots by these NRA "yes men", lobbied by trigger happy millionaires

That are deaf to the screams bellowed through wind pipes, out of wide open jaws by our scared..

In desperate need of repair..

Chicago youth.

Thus far, CPS halls are loudened by 28 less heartbeats..

And they want MORE guns on our streets?

That means more business for Gatling and Leak’s

More commemorative candles

More damsels in distress

More hammers in hands of men not wearing orange vests

More reasons to send my 8 year old cousins to bus stops with teflons on their chests..

Chicago, I guess.. This is a love-hate thing we got going huh?

Because in the night, there’s nothing like the love of just.. being in you

Then you give reason for hate by morning when I flip to NBC news am greeted by the face of Jesse Jackson.

Speaking in rhymes about yet another young voice made mime..

Mute.

Trapped by an invisible box made real

Red cedar and steel

Manufactured just to be submerged in earth 6 feet.

Now.. I speak

Cause they can’t..

Cause you don’t..

Cause they in Springfield won’t respond to your hot-anger.

Your fruitless attempts of displaying "social dissatisfaction" through flash mobs

And I'm not talking the kind that dance.

I mean the kind that ride up to the Gold Coast just to break hands on old folks

Terrorizing 70 year old men..

For what?

Recreation?

Playing "Point him out, Knock him out"

While CPD would rather play

"Point him out, Chalk him out"

And speaking of,

There's more chalk on our cold concrete streets than in our classrooms

Nowadays kids will go to school

Just to have sex with a classmate in the bathrooms.

You think these North Siders don't see us and think "Well look at these Baboons..

Don't even have a moral code

Or an ounce of integrity by which to live.

And yet these teachers want to protest for these kids?

Want to invest in these kids?"

Chicago, I hate the sour taste you leave in my mouth, but I'll tell you what the recipe is for a sweeter savor..

Stop looking for some white collar savior

In disguise, who's probably just another white hooded slaver.

Let's pull OURSELVES up from the status of another species endangered..

Redirect that pain, that anger into motivation for achievement..

I cant speak for us all, but I'M TIRED of bereavements..

Small caskets..

10 year-old girls shaking their.. Tails.

I know this relationship we got ain't exactly that of a fairy tale,

There's plenty to hate..

But there's yet room to save love..

To save lives..

To save Chi.

You...I...Us (Collaboetry: Sean Vinson ft. Yours Truly)

Sean:
There's alot of doubt about You... I... Us
But, what do they REALLY know about You... I... Us?
I...MUST trust that they're speaking out of ignorance.

They just don't know.
They just don't KNOW about You and I.
They just don't KNOW You take Me high.
Higher than than NASA's rockets could ever hope to fly
Higher than the ozone that wraps around our sky
So to them I reply... MIND YOUR BUSINESS!
It seems that they only take interest
In You and I
When they want to crticize the lives
Of You and I

On a scale from 1 to 10
The time I spend with You
Tips the scale at infinity
Sometimes I have to wonder
If You were born of divinity
For You are my angel...
And I'd do anything to make You happy
When you're feeling low from the blows delivered by your Pappy...
You are beautiful to me
With perm OR when you're nappy
You are as sweet as tapi...oca
I hope when You read this
You get all choked up,
Maybe shed a couple tears
With faith on our side,
Maybe we can share a couple years
Together as You... I... Us...

Danitra:
And then when You and I officially become Us
We will be intangible
Our love…
unfathomable
Our relationship…
never fragile
We will be unable to be broken, separated, and defeated
They’ll continue to criticize Us with their cold hearts
Not knowing we will only be reheated
An everlasting flame,
never burning out like the one in the Olympic Games
We… are fire
You…I…Us
Our intertwined spirits being the igniter
Together…
You and I are invincible
They’re throwing daggers
Cursing Us with their tongues
But You…I…Us…
We are a loaded gun
Cocked and ready to run
And They just don’t know…
They just don’t know about You and I
And therefore the world, is not ready… for Us

And THAT'S that piece!

Doo Doo Danitra (3D)

As I approached the finish line

I just knew a solid 2nd place was mine
I probably could have got #1
But something mushy leaked from my bum
How could this happen when I'm about to graduate
Why did I run and hold it in when I knew it was too late
I laughed so much I almost cried
There was no reason not to, it wasn't something I could hide
So I gathered my belonging and walked to leave the meet
But when I was walking it all sank to my feet...

Yup....I pooped on myself in 8th grade.  Hands down most embarrassing moment of my life.
My name went from Danitra Pope to Danitra Poop instantly...

*logs off and hangs head in shame*

J.R.L.

The first one I met was just like me and in him I saw things that other girls ain't see.  We started out as best friends, chillin together all the time, but I had deeper thoughts runnin through my mind.  He walked with me one night even though I was already close to home, I don't know how he was feelin but I wanted to get him alone.  He reached around with a friendly hug, his arms laid close around my hips, then I did what he never expected and kissed him on his beautiful lips.  WOW! was the expression on this boy's face, and then he called me up and asked me out when he got back to his place.  He never knew I liked him, that's something he would've never thought of, but from that moment on he was mine and I was his first love.  Five months or so the first time, but break ups and make ups add up to bout a year.  But we ended on a good note cause we still have a connection whether or not he's here.  Many times I reminisce about the times we spent together, but because of what him and I shared I will love him forever.

My First Time....

Everybody must remember their very first time...
that first intertwine...
that body on body...
mind focused on mind...
that mmmmm.
I definitely remember mine.
See it wasn't that romantically exquisite, intimate, candles lit,
it was me climbing on top taking it slowly, yet swiftly
at the tender age of 13.
Yea....me.
Exposed to sex prematurely I allowed the lust and his touch and his touch and his touch to consume me
Living by the motto "I'm just doin me" but realistically everybody was doin me
Shoot I was every man's best friend
Quick to lend a hand and fast to use my head
That...was me.
But look at me now
Not the sight you'd expect to see
Not pregnant, never burnt, nor infected with AIDs or HIV,
not raped, buried in the ground, prostituting or anything
Ya see cuz me...I'm blessed
All that mess was just a test and thankfully I've passed.
I've relinquished that temptation because I refuse to receive condemnation or damnation
 for satisfying some dude's need for ejaculation
That ain't me no more.
Go head and say it, "Danitra you was a whore"
Because I know that in the bible Hebrews 13:4, it says "God will judge"
And therefore I ain't worried none.
I've repented my sins and ain't relapsing again and for those of you that think I will...think again.

And for those of you out there still "doin you," I ain't mad at you, how could I be?...
It's just that one day I hope you've made it this far, and by the grace of God are proud enough to stand up and say...
Look at me.

Maybe...

Maybe it's not like that
Maybe it grew from a situation years ago that hurt the people that helped him grow
Maybe he really just doesn't know
...But I know, he listens
I know he tries to understand 
but i also know he is stubborn and his thoughts remain in demand
but one has to fall before one can stand
Maybe he just needed to make this one mistake
in order to realize what was truly at stake
Maybe I needed the hurt in order to stand the rain
Maybe I want him for reasons i can't explain 
but maybe he's finally tired of putting us thru pain
Either way whether it be me or her it will not happen again
No more hurt than what ive experienced can or will be inflicted 
Becuz thru the break in my heart that i felt i realized my feelings were restricted
My feelings...for myself
It is a relationship with me and only me that i need in order to succeed
No man, woman, nor object produced by the flesh can stop me in my tracks for
I will continue to proceed...thru the trials, thru the tears, thru the rain, ill fist fight the devil myself but
I WILL REIGN
Maybe a remnant of what was between us still remains
They say it aint over till the fat lady sangs
So maybe...it's not. maybe there's just been a change
Maybe there has been a change in him for i know there's been one in me
And with me not thru me maybe he can truly see...God
The Lord works in mysterious ways and it's crazy how my GOD can divide, in order to help me decide, whether or not that love was truly devine and then bring him back to me for me to pick him up when he feels as tho he's been denied. 
Maybe all this drama has just been to make us stronger so that i can truly have a real man on my side
Maybe he is meant to be mine
Maybe he's not and i should stop tryin
Maybe NOW is the time...
Time for me to make up my mind-
and stop sayin...
maybe

2/5/2010

(the night of) 9-9-09

My eyes overflow with tears constantly. i'm the diamond in the rough but nobody can seem to dig me out. they give up, and i'm left stuck...drowning in the puddles which my tears have pitter pattered on my pillows. sheltered only by darkness, which isn't a safe place at all. In the dark is where the bad things crawl. the negative thoughts, the pessimism, the anger, the confusion, and the downfall. All because of you. i'm left alone...to fend for myself, to live solely for myself, to love me and nobody else. You've extinguished the flame within me. My heart is ice now. Though it has the capability to melt it also is capable of being broken numerous times. shattering into lots of little pieces but never going back to its original state. i really don't kno what else to say or what i just said. i'm just writing...the only thing that can't steal my joy away, break my heart, or strand me and make me lonely. My outlet to express my emotions which u couldn't handle and what it seems u barely possessed now i'm a mess. The tears stopped flowing, but this pain i feel....this pain, is forever.

(the mornin after...)

Sealed shut by the secretion of pain from my eyes
I can't see. I can't show my face. Swollen by hurt.
I wake up just to find the same tears rolling down my cheek
I thought it was a nightmare
and that when i woke i would still be living like the princess of a fairytale
But i was wrong...
my face feels disfigured and my heart is torn
i'm scarred to the bone, lost, afraid, and alone.
How can i explain it to my royal subjects?
I guess i'll say "I....so satisfied and high upon my throne have fallen, have gone from the top to barely rock bottom. I've been pushed out of that high seat and now i'm crawlin for scraps, tryna keep my mind right but the time for that has elapsed. I'm goin crazy, not sane but insanely. Sickly in the heart and in the mind, thought u were one of a kind but u broke me. You've killed me internally and you didn't even choke me. You let me go and you let...me...down. My prince with whom i shared the crown has let...me...down, with no safety net or harness you let...me...down. Nobody to catch me, nobody to hold me you let...me...down. Nobody to turn to, nobody to love me, nobody to run to whatever my needs b you let...me...down. And u may as well not even search for me on the ground because i'm under, i'm buried by my sorrows, resting in the darkness, waitin for a smile, but i don't think i will find one. I think time is just up for me and love and im done tryin. I don't think i will ever stop cryin..." 

In The Zone

Hey everyone, sorry I didn't post anything yesterday.  I'm thinking about moving away from the daily posts to something less frequent like maybe 2-3 times a week, I don't know, haven't decided yet.  I'd love to hear what ya'll think.  But anyway CHICAGO dwellers!!!!!!!!! COME SEE ME and my friends (no shade to my friends because they're lowercased lol) perform TONIGHT at 6PM at LOGAN ARTS CENTER 915 E 60th ST.  $5 before 7PM.  It's gonna be a positive place and I'd love to see ya'll there =) #LovePeaceProgress